


Bold in Deed

by daisygal18



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Character Death, Drama & Romance, F/M, Love Triangles, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-15 04:57:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 51,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7208684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisygal18/pseuds/daisygal18
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bretta Trevelyan is no stranger to loss, being ripped away from her family at a young age for possessing magic, loss is an old friend of hers. Read as a young mage is handed the impossible task of saving the world, and the weight of losing those she loves threatening to drown her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I originally posted this over on Fanfiction but the site wigged and decided that the format I had been using from the beginning wasn't working for them, needless to say, I wanted to finish telling Bretta's tale, so here it is.

I smiled and spun around as I looked at the dress mother had bought me for my birthday in the mirror. Today was my eleventh birthday and I had been looking forward to this for months. My older brother Simon joined the guard when he turned eighteen so we hadn't seen much of him lately. He was coming to my birthday dinner tonight and I couldn't wait. When Simon left it was only my sister Sutton and I. Sutton was three years older than me and also a constant thorn in my side. She was beautiful just like mother, with long red hair and bright green eyes. The sons of the other nobles noticed her already and I think she would have received many marriage proposals if she hadn't already said she would join the Chantry as soon as she turned eighteen. I couldn't wait for that day. Sutton may have been beautiful on the outside but her inside was anything but. She was cruel and judgmental, it was hard to picture her as a soft spoken Chantry sister.

"Bretta! Darling hurry up!" Mother's voice called to me as she walked down the hallway.

"Coming!" I shouted back and I heard a sigh outside my door before it opened. Mother stood there with a disapproving look, but she was also smiling.

"Really, Bretta, must you shout? It's so unladylike." I rolled my eyes at her in the mirror and then turned to face her.

"You were just shouting!" I said excitedly and she laughed at me.

"Yes, but I am the mother now aren't I? So I can do whatever I want." I shook my head at her and twirled for her. "How does it look?" I asked as I spun.

Mother came forward to smooth my dark brown hair from my face. "You look beautiful, like a little lady." I blushed at her compliment. "Sutton is the beautiful one..." I said quietly as I looked at my feet.

Mother lifted my chin with her finger and smiled down at me. "Now you listen to me, dear girl. You are every bit as beautiful as your sister, but you need to know my sweet little Bee that outer beauty is fleeting" She pressed her hand to my heart. "It's the beauty of your heart that is lasting, you must never let that beautiful heart diminish, do you promise me?" She waited for my response and I nodded slowly.

Mother smiled at me and pinched my chin softly, making me giggle. "Now come, Simon just arrived and I know he cannot wait to ruin that pretty dress with his horseplay." She sighed in disapproval and I giggled again. My brother treated me more like a boy than a girl and it drove mother mad.

We turned to leave but then I remembered my favorite necklace, a locket with a tiny portrait of my entire family, even Sutton, in it. "Wait! My necklace!"

I rushed back over to the vanity where the necklace lay and I must have gotten tangled in my skirts because suddenly I was falling. I gasped and braced myself, waiting for the impact of my face to hit the floor but it never came. My eyes were shut tight and I opened them to see what had happened only to find the floor hovering a few inches in front of me, or rather I was hovering a few inches from the floor. I gasped again and then fell the last few inches. I sat up quickly and looked to mother who was looking at me with a horrified expression.

"Mother?" I said quietly.

I had heard about what happened to young boys and girls when they showed that they had the gift of magic. They were ripped away from their families, never to see them again, and then thrown into the Circle like prisoners. I didn't want to go to the Circle. What was happening? Why had this suddenly happened to me? I felt tears well up in my eyes.

Mother rushed over and knelt on the floor beside me. Her face was pale and her eyes were watery but she didn't cry.

"You listen to me, Bretta. You will tell no one of this, do you promise me?" I sniffled and she grabbed my shoulders and shook me. "Do you promise?" She said a little louder.

I nodded, "I promise" I sobbed into mother's shoulder. "They'll take me away." I cried. Mother hugged me tightly.

"No!" She said forcefully, "No one is going to take you anywhere, no one is going to find out about this. No one." She held me as I cried.

I was a mage, my life was never going to be the same.

\----

Two weeks passed and no more magical abilities surfaced. I was careful not to try anything, but I could feel it now; the tingly feeling in the tips of my fingers. The magic hummed within me, but I was determined to ignore it. Mother hadn't mentioned it again and I wasn't going to either.

Simon's visit had been too short, his presence had taken my mind off of the life altering thing that had happened to me. I loved my brother, father traveled often so Simon had been the one to teach me how to ride a horse, how to shoot a bow. He was my best friend and I was sad when he had to leave again.

Father would also be leaving soon, refugees fleeing the Blight had flooded Kirkwall and father was going there to help as best he could. Father was a stoic man, he wasn't very good at showing his emotions. I missed him when he would leave though, and when he would return I liked to sit with him in his study and read aloud. I knew he loved me too, he would smile at me when I had trouble pronouncing the bigger words and then glance over and help me out. He would laugh when I asked him about his adventures.

"Hardly adventures" he would say, "But I did meet a pirate captain once..." I loved hearing about his travels. I hadn't been out of the Free Marches at all. Mother said I was too young, and I hoped that one day she would let me go with father when he visited the foreign kingdoms.

We were all seated in the large parlor on the evening it happened. Sutton and I were both reading a book for our studies. Mother was writing in her journal, and father was responding to letters at the desk. It was quiet and I was very enveloped in my book when a crumpled piece of paper smacked me in the face. I glared from my spot on the lounge at Sutton, who sat staring at me with an evil grin on her pretty face. She stuck her tongue out at me and I huffed and turned back to my book. I knew she was going to throw another one. I heard the paper crumpling. Anger boiled inside of me and I stood just as she launched the paper, it was inches from my face and with a wave of my hand it burst into flames and then I flicked my wrist and it flew at Sutton's head. She screamed and dodged out of the way and I felt my eyes widen.

What had I done?

Mother was looking at me with a stunned expression and father as well. Sutton was cowering behind a column staring at me in fear. A gasp from the doorway caused us all to look, it was an elven servant carrying a tray of tea, she dropped it and it clamored loudly to the floor, and then she fled the room.

"No!" Mother shouted as she tried to follow after her. Father stood and grabbed her arm to stop her. "Let her go, Evelyn."

Mother looked to him horrified, "Charles! They'll take her away!"

Father glared at mother, "It's what must be done!"

Mother then looked to me and I wanted to cry but I was too shocked. I disliked Sutton, she was vain and disagreeable but she was still my sister, and I had nearly harmed her. I was a monster.

I fell back onto the lounge and looked at my hands. Mother rushed over to me and grabbed my face in her hands. She was crying and she looked at me with fear and sadness. "You listen to me, Bretta, you are my daughter. I will always love you, nothing is ever going to change that. Do you understand?" I nodded slowly, numb to everything.

"She's a witch!" Sutton shouted. We all looked to my sister who was no longer cowering behind the column and was instead staring at me in disgust. I couldn't blame her.

"She tried to kill me!" She shrieked. I thought of the Trevelyan motto then. Modest in temper, bold in deed. Modest is not what I would describe my sister's temper as.

"Sutton, that's enough." Mother said quietly but sternly.

"No! She's a bloody witch and you still love her better! I hope they come! I hope they lock her up like the monster she is!" her shouts were louder now and I flinched at her harsh words. Mother opened her mouth to respond but father beat her to it.

"Your mother said enough, young lady!" Father bellowed and we all looked at him in shock. My dear father, who never got excited over anything was shouting at my sister.

Sutton's mouth opened and closed in her shock. Father pointed his finger towards the door, "Go to your room... now." He said quieter now, but his tone said he was not to be trifled with. Sutton shot me one last murderous glare before she stormed from the room.

Mother openly sobbed now as she held me. "My baby, my dear girl" she said over and over again. I couldn't find it in me to cry. Sutton was right, I deserved to be locked away. I felt a strong hand on my shoulder and looked up at my father whose eyes were filled with sadness.

We sat there as mother cried until the Templars entered the room. "Ban and Lady Trevelyan, we have received a report that your youngest daughter, Bretta Trevelyan, has showed magical talents. Do you confirm or deny this claim?" The man stated coldly and I felt fear grab ahold of me.

Father looked to the man and nodded solemnly. "We confirm it."

The Templar nodded at the other two men behind me and they walked over to me and each grabbed me by an arm. Mother held tight to me as they tried to pull me away from her.

"Please! Let me say goodbye!" She sobbed as they drug me from the room.

"We must take the mage to the circle immediately, my lady." He said again, just as coldly.

"She's only a child! She is not a prisoner!" Mother shouted as she tried to follow after us. Father stopped her once again and I looked over my shoulder at my mother.

The last time I saw her, she was sobbing as she fell into my father's arms.

I turned my head away and walked with the Templars. Magic had plagued my life, and now my life as I knew it was over.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Still getting used to how things work here so bare with me. I'm trying to get these chapters up as quickly as I can but I work 46+ hours a week so it might be a random upload schedule.

10 Years later...

\----

I was awakened by hands shaking my shoulder violently. "Bretta! Wake up!"

It was Sylvia, my roomate and dearest friend. Her voice was terrfied and when I opened my eyes I noticed that hers were wide and nervous as she looked around the room as if someone were watching us.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes and felt the Fade drift away from my consciousness. I waved my hand and the candles on my bedside table lighted. I could better see Sylvia then, she was breathing heavily as if she had been running for hours, and sweat beaded on her forehead. I scooted forward on the bed and put my hands on her shoulders. "What is it, Syvie?"

My mind wondered to what could have happened. I had heard horror stories of templars cornerning young girls and taking them against their will. Anger boiled behind my eyes, if anyone touched her they would pay dearly. "Did someone hurt you?" I asked her frantically.

She shook her head quickly and took a deep breath to right herself. "No, but I fear soon we will all hurt."

She looked over her shoulder and scooted close to me. Her voice lowered to a whisper. "I was holed up in a corner of the library when a missive came just at midnight."

I grabbed her hand reassuringly and she sighed before continuing. "I thought to myself 'now why would a courier be coming at this hour?' So I cloaked myself and stayed in the shadows to listen. There were only a few voices, but one of them was unmistakingly Knight-Commander John's. He read the letter and spoke hurriedly to the courier. He wrote a hasty letter and sent the boy on his way and then turned to a few of the other templars and told them what he had done." Her voice trailed off and her shoulders shook.

"What Sylvia? What did he do, what happened?" She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and I felt fear come to me. "A mage in Kirkwall blew up the Chantry and everyone inside of it. Kirkwall has gone mad, the templars and mages openly fight. Knight-Commander Meredith declared every mage in Kirkwall a danger and now they war in the streets. This is it, Bretta, it's the rebellion." I fell back against my headboard at her words.

For months talks of rebellion had been stirring. Mages escaped the Circles to join other apostates. The tension had been growing but I had tried to ignore it. There couldn't be a mage rebellion, it would cause utter chaos. Yet here we were. A thought occured to me then. "What did the Knight-Commander do Sylvia?" I asked her hurriedly as I sat up straight once more.

She looked to me sadly. "He has sent the request for the Right of Annulment on our Circle. He's going to kill us all." Sylvia cried and fell into my lap. I smoothed her hair soothingly as she cried, like mother used to when I would have a nightmare.

No one was smoothing my hair, however. I couldn't believe they were going to slaughter us all like animals. One mage's actions would condemn us all? I was not content to sit there and wait for death to come to me.

I pushed Sylvia upright and wiped her tears away with my hands. "Listen to me, Syvie. We are getting out of here. I need you to be as quiet as you can and wake as many people as you can get to. Tell them what you just told me."

She nodded in understanding and I climbed from my bed to grab my robes from the chair at my vanity. I pulled them on quickly and braided my hair down my back. I grabbed my staff and then turned to Sylvia who was sitting on the bed with a dazed expression on her face. I rushed over to her and grabbed her arm. "No one is dying tonight, Sylvia. Not if I have anything to say about it. I am going to wake the First Enchanter to tell her what is happening. You go and wake everyone and I'll meet you back here in less than an hour. Okay?" Sylvia seemed to grab her strength and she stood with a determined expression on her face.

I exstinguished the candles by my bed and looked to her. We shared a determined nod before she went left and I went right.

\----

It was easy to sneak through the castle at night. There weren't as many templars on guard and if you kept to the shadows you could go pretty much unseen if you were quiet. I kept my hood pulled tightly around my shoulders as I walked. I had to get to First Enchanter Angelica.

I walked up the stairs to her room quickly and silently. Once I was in her room and the door closed tight behind me I removed my hood and rushed to her bed.

"Angelica!" I whispered as I shook her. She wouldn't move at all.

I said her name again and then I felt a warm wetness on my hands. I waved a hand to light the candles and then gasped. Blood dripped from my hands onto my light blue robes. I looked to Angelica and saw the wound. A clean cut across her neck.

I sobbed and touched her face. Angelica had become a mother figure to me when I came to the Circle. I was scared and bitter and she had taken me under her wing, she was just an apprentice at that time. When she had been chosen as First Enchanter when the older one passed away our relationship hadn't changed. Others said she favored me and that it wasn't proper, but she was a dear friend to me and a comfort to a young girl who had been cruelly ripped from her mother, and now she was dead.

"Apprentice Trevelyan" a deep voice said and I screamed as I stood. I turned around and there sat Knight-Commander John in a darkened corner, cleaning his blade with one of Angelica's cowls. He stepped forward and inspected his blade before putting it back into the scabbard.

My shoulders were shaking in grief and anger as I looked at the man. I always knew the Knight-Commander was a cruel man, but I didn't think he would murder someone in cold blood. "I'm sorry you had to see our dear Angelica like this..." he said, and he didn't sound sorry in the slightest.

He strolled over to me and I felt bile rise as he touched my chin softly. I jerked my face away from him and glared. He chuckled and had an amused expression on his face.

"Pretty little thing, aren't you? Angelica always made sure to keep you close, protecting you. You know what happens to pretty little witches in the Circle. You could even ask Angelica... oh but you really can't can you?" He looked down beside me at Angelica's body and then laughed evilly. I felt rage burn within me.

I let out a cry of grief as fire exploded from my hands. He barely dodged it. He rolled out of the way and into a crouch as he unsheathed his sword.

"Ah, there it is, I always knew you were a little spitfire under all of that shyness." His smile was even wider now and I felt sick, he was enjoying this.

I cried out again as I shot a piece of ice at him, it grazed his arm and cut through, but not deep enough to cripple him. I didn't give him time to recover as I shot another fire ball. He blocked it with his sheild but the force made him fall backwards. He sat up and glared at me. Finally the amused demeanor was gone and he was in full templar mode. He let out a war cry as power erupted from him. Holy Smite, that's what they called it. It drained a mage's mana and weakened them. It was discouraged to use it on mages, unless they were abominations or in danger of murdering innocents. It appeared that all bets were off with Knight-Commander John, however.

I felt myself weaken and I fell against the wall for support. John stood and righted himself before walking over to me. He touched my chin again and let it trail down my face to my collar bone. I spit on him and he sighed as he wiped the saliva from his face.

"No matter, soon the Right of Annulment will be here and I will slay every last mage in this tower like the monsters you are. Although..." he said quietly as he touched my face again. "It might be interesting to have a little fun before we have to kill you all..." He chuckled again and turned to leave.

"Now return to your rooms like the good little witch you are, I don't want to anger the Chantry by killing you before I have proper permission. Angelica was just an investment you see, couldn't have her filling your minds with hopes of escaping." He called over his shoulder as he turned to leave.

I was weak, and I thought I might pass out, but somehow I mustered enough power to build a fireball between my palms. His back was turned, and I suppose he thought me no longer a threat. So when I launched the fire at him I took great pleasure in the surprised scream he let out.

He turned around as his clothes caught fire and he looked at me with a surprised expression. Then he shouted as he tried to pat out the fire, but it had already caught. It licked at his skin and he ran around the room frantically trying to put it out before he finally fell to the ground. There was a darkness in me that smiled as I watched him burn.

I walked over to his burning corpse and spat. "That was for Angelica, and all the other mages you have hurt." I said quietly.

I walked over to Angelica as John turned to ash. I closed her eyes and kissed her forehead before pulling the sheet over her head.

I turned to leave her tower with a determined expression on my face. Tonight I would leave this blighted circle, and I would take down any templar that tried to stop me.

\----

 

I hurried back to my rooms. Sylvia was already there waiting on me with about thirty other apprentices and the senior enchanters. Four dead templars lay at their feet. Sylvia rushed to me.

"Bretta! It's been an hour and a half, I feared the worse!" She pulled away as she noticed the blood on my hands and robes. She looked at me in question and I felt Angelica's death grow heavy on my heart.

"The First Enchanter is dead, as well as the Knight-Commander." People gasped but there was no time to explain, we had to leave.

"We need to destroy the phylactery chamber, it's our only hope of a true escape. I want you all to know that we must fight for our lives tonight. You cannot hesitate. For a moments hesitation could determine if you live or die. I can tell you one thing for certain, a templar won't hesitate. We must be swift, and we must be strong." I finished my speech and everyone nodded in affirmation.

So we left my rooms and entered the hallway. Let the rebellion begin.

\----

The escape was gruesome. We destroyed the phylactery chamber, it erupted into flames and then we fled. The templars tried to block off our exits but we were diligent. I burned them just like I did John.

Many were lost, my dear friend Sylvia amongst them. A templar stabbed her in the back with his sword. I looked upon her face as the life left her. The templar pulled the sword from her body and kicked her lifeless form to the side. Something changed in me, watching as Sylvia died. I screamed and locked the templar in a magic hold. He squirmed and shouted as I lifted him into the air. We locked eyes, "You're a monster!" he spat. I smiled, tonight, yes I was. I waved my hands apart and the man was split in half.

"Maker be with you, Sylvia." I said as I looked at her body.

I couldn't let the grief overtake me, I had to survive and help the others escape.

Dawn was upon us when we finally fled into the forest. We were all tired, and we had lost much. There were no excited murmurs of freedom. Only quiet contemplations of dear friends being slaughtered before us. All of this death because of a mad man's ambitions.

I traveled with them for a while, we all kept quiet and moved throughout villages quickly. Never staying more than two days at a time. News of what had happened at the Ostwick Circle had spread and I knew more templars would come to try and hunt us down. Most of the others talked of finding the strongholds and joining the rebellion. I didn't have any ambitions for that. I had seen enough death for my liking in the past two weeks. I couldn't remember how many lives I myself had taken, but I remembered the two friends that the templars had brutally murdered. Two innocents, and they had died for what? For the foolish rebellion.

I wanted freedom as much as the next mage, but I didn't want it like this, not at the cost of loved one's lives.

So that's when I parted from them. They all wanted me to stay, they had made me their leader in a way. My speech and determination at the escape had inspired them. I ignored their pleas and wished them all luck as I left.

It took me about a week to get there. I traveled in the forests, careful to stay away from main roads. I finally made it though. My childhood home. The Trevelyan estate sat in the small valley below me. It was larger than I remembered, and for the first time in nearly a month I felt safe.

For the first time in ten years, I was home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all enjoying this.

I told the guard at the door that I carried a message from the Chantry. I didn't want my family implicated for harboring an apostate. I kept my hood pulled tightly around my shoulders as I followed him through the main entryway. Pictures of my ancestors adorned the walls and I stared up at them. I remembered looking at those pictures as a girl and wondering why they all looked so sad. I was beginning to understand them. Life was full of sadness, and in these dark times it seemed death waited at every corner to tear the ones you loved away from you.

The guard didn't speak as we walked, but when we got to the door of mother's private parlour he turned to me. "The Lady Trevelyan has been very distraught over the last few weeks, you will probably do well to relay your message and then leave her to her thoughts." He nodded at me and then left.

I pushed the door open slowly and saw mother sitting on a lounge. Her back was to me and her shoulders were rigid. I wanted to run to her but she spoke before I could.

"Go ahead and say what you have come to say, I know of what happened at the Cirlce of Ostwick. My daughter is dead, please just say it and leave me to my grief." She slumped slightly and I felt empathy fill me. She had been scared I was dead.

I removed my hood and rushed over to her, I rounded the lounge and then knelt at her feet. Her eyes were wide as she looked at me and I grabbed her hands. "Mother, it's me, it's Bretta. I am not dead."

She looked at me for a moment. She reached her hand out and stopped as if she thought I might disappear. She smoothed my hair back and ran her thumb over my cheek and then a brilliant smile lit up her face.

"My darling, Bee! It is you!" She cried as she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly.

We were both crying as we embraced. She pulled away and looked me over, "Let me look at you, oh my baby, I cannot believe you are really here." I wiped at my eyes and moved to sit beside her on the lounge.

"I am sorry you worried. I would have came here sooner but I wanted to make sure I came without being seen. I am an apostate now, you could be in danger."

She waved her hand to dismiss my worries. "We will think about that later. Come and walk with me in the gardens and we will talk about the last ten years, letters are hardly enough. You have become such a beautiful young lady." I blushed and nodded.

We stood and I pulled my hood back over my head. Then we left out the large doors to the left and into the garden.

\----

Mother and I walked for a long time. She asked me all about the Circle, I had laughed when she asked because she already knew everything from my letters.

"I want to hear it from you though, in your voice." I looked at my dear mother then. I had always thought the last ten years were hardest on me; but as I looked at my mother whose eyes were swimming in sadness. I thought maybe I hadn't got the short end of the stick after all.

So I told her everything, I told her of Angelica and how she had been a motherly figure to me. I told her about Sylvia and our two different worlds. Sylvia was elven. She grew up in the alienage at Ostwick, her family was large and she had told me once that her mother was happy when the templars came. One less mouth to feed, she had said. I shook my head at that. I turned to mother and smiled at her. I had received a letter a week from mother, sometimes more than that. I told her once that Sylvia never heard from her family, and the next time I received a letter so did Sylvia. She had read it with a smile on her face and I remembered patting her arm and leaving her to her thoughts. She carried that letter with her everywhere.

"What did you say when you wrote her that time?" I asked mother.

She smiled as she picked a daisy from the ground. "I told her, that there is no greater family than friendship. I thanked her for being such a dear friend to you, and told her that she was my family now. Regardless of origins." I smiled at mother as she put the daisy behind my ear. She pinched my chin like she did when I was a child and I laughed lightly.

"What happened to dear Sylvia?" Mother asked conversationally.

I stopped walking as Sylvia's face came to mind. Her bright brown eyes looking at me as the life left them, the way she crumpled to the ground and the bastard templar kicking her to the side like she were vermin under his boots.

Mother walked a few steps ahead of me and realized I was no longer beside her, she turned around and looked at me. Her eyes were instantly worried. "Bretta? What is it? You've gone pale." She came to me and tucked my hair behind my ear.

"They killed Sylvia when we escaped." I said evenly.

That was all I said before I began walking again, leaving a stunned mother behind me.

\----

Mother and I had retired to father's study. She told me that he had gone to Kirkwall about a week after the initial chaos began. All letters from him had stopped and mother feared the worse. We were sitting amongst his books, casually flipping through them when Simon suddenly entered the room.

"Mother, I went to the Circle and I found her no where. Maker, mother, the bodies. No sign of Bretta though. I'm not sure if that's a-" He stopped suddenly when he noticed me sitting on father's desk.

I grinned widely at him, oh how I had missed him. "Hello brother" I said.

Simon returned my smile and laughed loudly before crossing the room to envelope me in one of his tight bear hugs.

"By the Maker, Bee. Is it really you?" He pulled away and looked at me. I laughed and nodded as I returned his hug.

"What do they feed you at those Circle's? Where did my knobby kneed baby sister go?" I mock glared at him and punched him in the arm. Simon feigned injury and looked from me to mother. "Any news from father?"

Mother, who had been smiling at our reunion, grew solemn as she shook her head. Simon sighed and began taking off his gloves. "The whole damn world has gone mad." He grumbled.

I returned to my perch on father's desk and then looked to mother. "How is Sutton?" We hadn't spoken much of my sister since I returned. Mother had wanted me to do all of the talking.

Mother opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by Simon's grunt. "Oh, our dear sister is just the picture perfect Chantry maiden." His tone dripped with sarcasm and mother looked to him in shock.

"Simon Maxwell Trevelyan! Don't talk ill of your sister! Especially in times like this!" Simon ignored mother's reprimand and then turned to me again.

"Sutton, if at all possible, has become even more high and mighty in her years at the Chantry. She also has a deep hatred for all things magical." I looked down at my hands as he said that. I didn't blame her for that, I had nearly killed her.

"Well, I suppose it's a comfort that some things never change." I said lightly and Simon laughed loudly.

"It's good to have you home, Bee. You have been greatly missed."

I smiled at my brother and then looked over at mother who seemed happy to have us both there with her. In that moment I felt lucky, I had lost much in the last couple of weeks but I still had a family. I still had people that loved me. In that moment I didn't let the weight of the impending war rest on my shoulders. I enjoyed the company of my kind mother and my loud brother. I felt happy.

\----

"I will not allow it!" Mother said sternly as we sat and ate dinner. We had told the servants and the guards that I was a visiting cousin from Ferelden. I wanted as few people as possible to know I was here. I shuddered at what might happen to mother if they found out she was hiding me.

We had been having the same argument for a week now. I had been here for nearly a month and I needed to leave. People would start to put two and two together eventually and I needed to protect my family.

I sighed as I drank the rest of my wine. "Mother, it's not about you letting me. I have to go."

She shook her head stubbornly. "No, I just got you back, you can't leave again." Her voice broke and I felt guilty.

I reached over and grabbed her hand. "It won't be forever, mother. Just until things cool down a bit, I need to stay moving."

Mother clenched her jaw and shook her head again tightly. "You'll be killed, or worse, it's dangerous. You must stay here where it's safe."

I sighed and mouthed thank you to Simon as he passed me the wine. I poured a full glass and took a big gulp from it. "Mother, if I stay here then you won't be safe."

Mother looked at me sharply. "To hell with what happens to me! I would rather us stay together as a family than to be separated. As if I will be able to live my life peacefully anyway with you out there vulnerable to everything."

I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed heavily. "I am not a child mother!" My own temper was beginning to rise. How could I make her understand that I had to leave?

"You are my child!" She shouted and I flinched.

It was awkwardly quiet then, the only noise was the large clock in the corner as it ticked. I breathed heavily has I stared at my lap and mother was leaning back in her chair massaging her temples. I bit my lip and fiddled with the hem of my sleeve. I didn't want to fight with mother, but she needed to understand that we were living in a crazy world. If something happened to any of them because of me... I would never be able to forgive myself. Simon had been silent during our arguement and he finally cleared his throat.

"I have a propostition." He said calmly. Mother and I both looked at him and he gave us a half smile before leaning forward in his chair.

"Go with me to Kirkwall. I had planned to go anyway to try and find out information about father. You can go with me." He sat back with a satisfied expression on his face and crossed his arms. I laughed at him.

"Are you mad?! Why don't I just put an apple in my mouth and offer myself to the templars on a silver platter?" Kirkwall was full of templars, and I was sure they were even less tolerant of mages after all that had happened.

Simon rolled his eyes at my dramatics. Mother wasn't saying anything. She still didn't seem satisfied but she wasn't outwardly refusing the idea. Simon suddenly clapped his hands together and leaned forward again, this time with a mischevious glint in his eye. "I've got it! We tell them that you're Sutton! If anyone asks you are a Chantry sister from Ostwick." I guffawed at this. Simon had went completely bonkers. I looked to mother to see if she shared my disbelief at his wild scheme.

Mother didn't look amused, she smiled as she mulled things over. "It's not a bad idea, Bretta. I would feel better if you traveled with your brother and saying you're Sutton gives you more coverage." I looked between the two. They had both gone mad.

I sighed and downed the rest of my wine. If it meant no more arguments with mother, and also helped ease her mind about my safety then I would do it.

"Well then brother, prepare the horses."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I figured I would give you a brief description of Bretta. 
> 
> Bretta is about 5'7", she's not fat by any means but not super thin, a very womanly figure. She is very pale with a light dusting of freckles over her nose and a scar going through her eyebrow that she got climbing a tree when she was nine. Her hair is dark brown and naturally wavy, she usually wears it in a bun or braid. Her eyes are blue but sometimes grey depending on what color she's wearing. Her face is round and her features are soft. She was a bit of an ugly duckling as a child, so she's very insecure with herself. 
> 
> So there you go, that's what she looks like, I just hate doing the whole "character looks in the mirror and describes her appearance" thing.

The city of chains was just as ominous as I remembered it. I had been there a few times as a child, the tall walls and the strange golden statues always made me feel small, I would always bury my face in father's side to hide. I had heard that when Knight-Commander Meredith went mad she had brought the statues to life somehow. Talk about a nightmare come true for a young Bretta.

This time I simply hid my face under my hood. Simon and I had perfected our story should I be discovered but I still didn't want to draw attention to us. We got a couple of rooms at a tavern called The Hanged Man, not the classiest establishment I had ever stayed at but the drinks flowed and the bed was soft so I wasn't complaining.

We were trying to be discreet in our inquiries about father, we didn't know why he hadn't been writing but if things had gone south with him then the name Trevelyan might not be a welcomed one. I mostly stayed at The Hanged man while Simon went out into Lowtown and Darktown to try and find information. After a few days of that though I was going stir crazy so I pulled my hood on and walked out onto the Lowtown streets.

The suffering on the streets of Kirkwall was hard to stomach. The destruction left behind by the battle was never ending and the entire city smelled of death. There was no end to the people on the street whose homes had been destroyed. It was a hard thing to see and I once again felt lucky. When I was a child at the circle and I was feeling sorry for myself, Angelica would tug on the end of my braid and say, "Someone always has it worse, Bretta." In her flowing Antivan accent. As I looked around at all of these homeless people, I thought she was very right.

\----

I was kicking stones as I wandered through the streets when I heard a woman crying very loudly. I looked up to see a young woman, about my age, going from person to person asking for help. She had a small bundle in her arms.

"Please! Someone! My baby is dying, someone please help me!" She sobbed loudly as another person brushed her off.

My feet were moving before I even realized. I reached her and looked down at the small baby who wasn't crying or moving in the slightest. "What's wrong with your baby?" I asked hurriedly.

The girl looked up at me with wide green eyes and sniffled, "She's got a fever, ma'am. She won't suckle and no one will help me." She sobbed again as she stroked the little thing's face.

Compassion welled inside of me. I looked around to see if anyone was paying us any attention, they weren't. I looked at the woman again. "Follow me, quickly!" I said quietly and motioned for her to follow me.

We weaved throughout the people swiftly and when I found a dark alleyway I grabbed her arm and pulled her into it with me. I removed my hood and my gloves. She was looking at me in confusion. I smiled at her reassuringly and pulled the baby's swaddle away. I pressed my hand to her chest and took a deep breath. The healing magic was cool as it flowed from my hand. Suddenly the baby cried out and the mother sobbed in joy and pulled her breast out so the baby could latch on. The baby began feeding greedily, she would live.

The mother looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Thank you, my lady. How can I ever repay you?"

I reached into my cloak and pulled out my entire coin purse. Mother had sent us with enough money to feed a small army. I handed it over to her, "Keep that well hidden. Get yourself some food and a warm place to sleep. That's all the payment I require."

Her eyes grew wide as she maneuvered the baby so she could take the money. I gave her one last smile before I put my hood back on and began to leave the alley. The woman stopped me with a hand on my shoulder and I turned to look at her. Her eyes were full of gratitude.

"Andraste sent you to save my baby. Bless you, I will never forget this." She said with conviction.

I smiled, feeling truly happy that I was able to bring comfort to at least one person as I turned and left the alley. No sooner had I left the alley that I was grabbed roughly and shoved into another dark corner. I tried to scream but a gloved hand came over my mouth.

"I saw what you did to that baby." A voice murmured.

My heart began beating fast. I blinked my eyes against the darkness and saw the tell tale armor. It was a templar, I was dead, this was it. I looked up at his face. He was a handsome man with curly blonde hair cropped short. Hazel eyes were looking at me with a searching expression. I fought against his hold on me.

"I am going to remove my hand, but I need your word that you won't scream. You don't want anymore attention drawn to you." I narrowed my eyes at him. What was he playing at?

"Do I have your word?" He asked in a low voice. I nodded slowly and he watched me with a careful expression as he pulled his hand away slowly.

I took a deep breath once I was free and pulled my hood away. He cleared his throat and stepped away. I was still breathing heavily, he was strange. Most templars would have already dragged me away by my hair, why was he beating around the bush?

"So what now? Do you take me into custody, or would you rather kill me now, since that seems to be how things go these days?" I asked in a quiet voice, I tried to not let fear into my voice.

He looked at me and sighed before looking around him. "You took a great risk in helping that woman, if it had been one of my fellow templars they wouldn't have hesitated to kill you."

He was a most confusing man, "So I am lucky then, that it's you and not someone else?" Was he going to let me go?

We stared at each other, mage and templar. At this point we were supposed to be enemies, but I didn't feel afraid anymore. The man who looked to be about six or seven years older than me seemed different. He didn't look like the monsters templars had become in my mind; he just looked tired. He broke eye contact first by clearing his throat and I looked at my feet and blushed.

"Just... be more careful, Kirkwall is not safe right now. Next time you might not be so lucky." His voice had become stern. I nodded and put my hood back on. I gave him one last searching look before I turned to leave.

"Why did you help her?" He asked suddenly.

I turned back around, he was looking at me with a searching expression as well, as if he was just as confused by me as I was by him. I shrugged a shoulder.

"She needed help, so I helped her."

He took a step forward at my words, "But you could have been discovered, killed, why risk that for a complete stranger?"

I thought about his words for a moment before I answered him.

"If we can't take the time to help others in times like this, then we let the darkness and the suffering win. I think that my life just seems a little insignificant in the grand scheme of things, don't you think?" I sounded like my mother but my words seemed to resonate with him.

He nodded and looked at me again, my face was hidden to him, but I could see something different in his eyes. Some emotion that I couldn't place. It occurred to me then that this was the longest conversation I had ever had with a templar and that made me smile slightly.

Before I knew what I was doing, I walked over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Thank you... for being different." I said quietly before I left him standing in the alley with a dumbfounded look on his face.

\----

I smiled the entire way back to The Hanged Man. Helping the woman had lifted my spirits and then being helped by a templar of all people; what a strange day it had been. Simon was in my room when I opened the door, he was in the middle of pacing and he stopped when he saw me.

"Sweet Andraste's ass, Bee! Where have you been?" I glanced out of the window and saw that the sun was starting to go down, had I really been gone that long?

I took my cloak off, "Maker, Simon, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize I was gone that long." He sighed and fell into the chair by the fireplace.

"It's okay, just please leave a note or something next time. I thought the templars had found you." Simon's shoulders visibly relaxed and I felt guilty for worrying him.

"Well, a templar did find me." I said quietly and Simon was at full alert, his green eyes that matched mother's and Sutton's were wide.

I held my hand up to stop him before he could demand answers, and then I told him everything. I told him of the girl and her baby, and then the templar finding me but letting me go. Simon sighed as he leaned back in his chair.

"You didn't give him a name or tell him where you're staying did you? I don't want him to change his mind and come here looking for you."

I shook my head to relieve his worries, "No brother, I didn't tell him my name."

Simon nodded in approval and then suddenly he grinned widely. "I found out where father is." I squealed and threw one of my gloves at him.

"You nug humper! Why didn't you say anything?" I demanded.

Simon dodged the glove and mock glared at me, "Well, excuse me! I was too worried about you and your templar Knight in shining armor."

I threw my other glove at him and he laughed. "Stop!" I laughed as I blushed. "So what's the news on father?"

We chuckled for a bit before Simon took a deep breath and told me everything he had found out. A passing guard had done a random check on Simon and when Simon said his name the guard fumbled and apologized. Apparently father was staying at the Viscount Keep with several other Bans who were trying to get things in order. He said father had probably stopped writing because the post in Kirkwall wasn't secure anymore with the chaos.

I stood and reached toward the fire to warm my hands as Simon finished his tale. Today had truly been a great day. "So we can't relay the message to mother?" I asked suddenly.

Simon shook his head apologetically, "I'm afraid not, but I figure we will stay here for another few weeks and then head back to Ostwick to ease her mind of the worry."

"You will return, I will part ways with you once we leave Kirkwall." I said as I watched the flames dance in the fire.

Simon stood beside me and rested his arm on the mantle. "Sister, you will break mother's heart if you don't return."

I sighed and looked over at him, "If I go back she won't ever let me leave, I must go, Simon. Surely you understand? I am lucky that templar was so kind today, next time I won't be so lucky."

Simon ran a hand through his hair. "Very well then, but you could still come and check in every so often. Forgive us for wanting to keep you close after we haven't seen you in ten years."

I nodded, I understood that, but I had to keep them safe. We both stood there lost in our thoughts for a moment. Simon finally pushed away from the mantle and yawned as he stretched. "Well, Bee, I am going to bed. You should get some rest too. We will see our father in the morning."

\----

"Ban Trevelyan, your children, Sister Sutton and ser Simon are here." The guard said as he led us into the office.

Father stood as we entered and when he saw me his eyes widened a bit before he righted himself and dismissed all of the guards. Once we were alone he came around the desk and hugged me tightly. "My dear child" he said in a watery voice.

I was taken aback at the emotion my usually stoic father was showing, but I still returned the hug. He smelled like spindleweed tea and fine leather. Maker, I had missed him. He pulled away, "I am surprised to see you, Sutton..." He raised an eyebrow and I chuckled as I lifted one shoulder.

"It was Simon's idea, actually a good one this time, I was surprised as well." Father grinned and Simon let out a grunt.

"I am standing right here!" He said in a whiny voice and father chuckled before walking over to hug Simon as well.

Simon looked at me over father's shoulder with a confused expression and I held up my hands to show I didn't understand either. Once we had all said our hellos father led us to the chairs in the corner of the office and bid us to sit.

He smiled at me again as we all sat, "When I heard of what happened at the Ostwick circle I didn't dare to hope you had lived. I am truly happy to be wrong."

I tucked my hair behind my ear, "I have missed you, father."

"Child, you have no idea just how much you have been missed. Seeing you two here, it brings comfort to me that I haven't felt in months."

We all talked for a while. Father told us of all the goings ons in Kirkwall. The city was without a viscount or a chantry. The people were hungry and scared. Father seemed tired and I wished there was something I could do to help him. We told him of mother's worry and he seemed guilty. He told us he would send us with a letter for her to ease her mind.

One thing he told us stuck out with me, he said that he head heard Divine Justinia was trying to get the leaders of the mage rebellion and the templars together to talk peace. The Conclave she was calling it. Father said for right now it was just talk but he hoped it came to fruition. I hoped too, the world was in an uproar.

I just had to make sure my family was safe, until order was restored.


	5. Chapter 5

9 months since Kirkwall...

I stood on a snowy hillside as I looked down at the small village of Haven. The newly built Temple of Sacred Ashes sat on another hill, that's where the talks were to be held. Today though, I would be attending a meeting at the Chantry.

Mother had told me of the talks finally happening when I visited home last month. I wondered why the Divine had chosen the tiny village to host this many people, perhaps she thought the peaceful aura of the Sacred Ashes would bring kindness into the hearts of those battling.

I snorted at that thought as I slowly inched down the icy hill. I had traveled all over the Free Marches and even through Ferelden during my journeys. I had seen more suffering than I had ever thought possible, and it was all caused by the two groups here that were talking peace. That seemed an impossible thing to me at this point. I had watched as men had been slaughtered in front of their children. Families' livelihoods taken from them, and it was all because of the stubbornness of the mages, and the hatred the templars held in their hearts.

I had tried to help as many people as I could as I traveled, it comforted me in a way. I had made many friends, and my healing talents were sharper than they had ever been before. When mother and father told me of the Conclave finally happening I asked father if I could go to represent House Trevelyan, he had agreed. Simon was to meet me here this evening and I was excited to see my brother again. It seemed every time I was home, he had just left. I had had a few run ins with Sutton however, and those had gone as well as you might have expected. Still, she hadn't demanded mother turn me in like I had thought she would, she simply told me to keep my filthy mage hands away from her. I thought that might have been the nicest thing my sister had ever said to me.

I chuckled as I walked. I finally reached the gates and the guards there opened them for me with a nod of their heads. It was odd to be carrying a staff so openly. I hadn't been able to have one in months, it was too conspicuous. The other mages eyed me with curiosity as I walked through the camps. They thought I was one of them, how disappointed they would be if they knew I thought they were all on a fool's errand. I wanted freedom, I craved it when I was growing up confined within the walls of the circle. Those were dreams of a young girl, I had seen much death in the year I had had my 'freedom' and I wondered now if it was even worth it.

\----

I was late to the meeting so I had to squeeze into the back of the Chantry. Divine Justinia stood at the head of the room on a small platform. She was giving a speech about peace and the Maker, and how she hoped these talks went well for the good of everyone.

I listened idly as she spoke. I hoped with all of my heart that this plan of hers worked. I hoped the mages and templars saw reason. I was tired of living in the shadows, fearful of being discovered. I had seen women cry over their husbands that would never return home, and children lose their older siblings. I would gladly offer myself up to go back to a circle at this point, if it would just end the madness.

When I noticed the Divine was wrapping things up I decided to try and slip out before the crowd gathered. As I was opening the door as quietly as I could I bumped into someone on the other side of it. I shut the door to the Chantry quickly before people could see me being a clumsy freak and turned to apologize to the person I had nearly trampled.

"I am so sorry, I didn't even see-" I stopped talking when my eyes met with the person's.

It was the templar from Kirkwall, except now he wore different armor. My voice caught in my throat as I looked at him. Had he been that handsome last I saw him?

"You" he said softly as we both stared at each other with dumb looks on our faces.

I laughed and tucked my hair behind my ear nervously, "Me" I said.

He laughed in an awed fashion and rubbed the back of his neck.

"What are you-"

"Who are-"

We spoke at the same time. I laughed softly and he blushed. Maker, this was awkward.

I cleared my throat, "Sorry, you go first."

He was smiling at me and looking at me the way the boys in the tower used to look at Sylvia when she wasn't paying attention. It made me nervous.

"I didn't get your name when we last met." He said in a conversational tone.

"My name is Bretta Trevelyan, of Ostwick." I said with a smile.

He bowed to me slightly with a mocking expression, "Well forgive my impropriety, my lady." I laughed and waved him off.

"No, no please that's not necessary. I lost my title the day I showed I had magic."

He returned to standing up straight, "I am Cullen Rutherford, formerly Knight-Captain at the Kirkwall Circle of magi." I nodded and bowed my head slightly.

"It's nice to meet you, Cullen Rutherford, officially I mean."

Cullen smirked and opened his mouth to say something else before he was interrupted.

"Maker, Bee! There you are! I have been all over the place looking for you. Did I miss the meeting? Please tell me I missed the meeting, I detest speeches." It was Simon. He rushed over and hugged me.

I returned his hug before turning to Cullen who now had a frown on his face. "Simon, this is Cullen, do you remember the templar who spared me when we were in Kirkwall?"

Simon turned to offer his hand to Cullen, which Cullen shook firmly. "So this is him? Thank you man, thank you for what you did for my sister."

Cullen suddenly smiled again, "Sister?" he said.

Simon chuckled and threw his arm over my shoulder. "Yes, and you don't have to tell me, I know I got all of the good looks." He leaned closer as if he and Cullen were having a private conversation, "But we don't tell Bee that."

I glared at him and pinched his side, he howled in pain and pulled on my braid in retaliation. It was good to see him again. Cullen chuckled at our banter. "Well, Bretta Trevelyan of Ostwick. It was good to see you again. Simon, it was nice to meet you. I must be going now."

I was surprised that I was disappointed he was leaving but I nodded and smiled at him as he left. I watched him walk away with a smile on my face. I was taken away from my thoughts when Simon let out a low whistle. I looked over at him and glared. "What?"

Simon started pushing my shoulders lightly, "Look at Bee, all googly eyed over a templar! Oh, mother will love this, just wait until I write her!" I opened my mouth in shock and pushed him away from me.

"I was not googly eyed! He helped me a long time ago, it was nice to see him again!"

Simon rolled his eyes and snorted, "Yeah, good to see him again. Good too see his behind again as he walked away." I gasped loudly and picked up a handful of snow to throw at him as my face flamed.

"Simon!" I shouted as he ran away from me.

"Bretta and Cullen sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g!" he sang as he ran and dodged my snow balls. I was laughing now as I chased him. I had missed my brother.

I suddenly slammed into Simon's back as he came to an abrupt stop. "Sutton" he said and I peaked around him to see.

There was my darling sister in all her glory, wearing the red and white robes of the chantry and glaring at us. "Really, you two, couldn't you try to act like civilized adults? You are here representing the Trevelyan name and I would prefer it if people didn't think we were savages."

Simon sighed as he wiped snow from his armor, "Oh c'mon sister, we were only having a bit of fun."

She glared at both of us before turning her nose in the air, "I really don't know how we're related." She said in a snooty voice before walking in the direction of the Chantry.

When she was gone Simon turned to me. "I really don't know how we're related." Simon said trying to imitate Sutton's high pitched voice. I laughed at his antics.

"Honestly, I don't know how we are either." I said quietly as I watched my poised sister walk away.

\----

Pain filled me as I opened my eyes. I hurt everywhere, but no where hurt as badly as my left hand. I glanced down at the appendage in question and opened my palm. Bright green light pulsed from it and I gasped in pain. Why was I in metal cuffs? I looked around and flinched at the multiple guards who had their swords trained on me. What was happening?

The door to the cell opened suddenly and two women entered. They both seemed really familiar but my mind was so hazy. One with dark hair cropped short advanced on me.

"Tell me why we shouldn't kill you now. The Conclave is destroyed, everyone who attended is dead... except for you."

My mind grasped to what she said and I suddenly swayed slightly. Everyone was dead? Simon was there. My brother, my dear brother and best friend.

"Everyone is dead?" I croaked and the woman glared at me.

"That's what I said, an unexplained explosion leveled the Temple of Sacred Ashes, and you're the only one that survived."

Tears swam behind my eyes and I started breathing heavily. How had this happened? He was right beside me, walking with me, and then my mind was blank. Simon couldn't be dead.

Memories flashed through my mind. His loud laugh as I fell off a horse. Ruffling my hair as he passed me in the hallway. Just yesterday we had played in the snow like a couple of children.

My brother was dead.

Simon was dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me...


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends, here's another chapter. I have up to chapter 15 already written. I just have to get them uploaded. Hang with me!

Grief threatened to pull me under. I fell backwards onto the cell floor and began breathing heavily. This was a dream, it was a demon messing with me, trying to get into my head. Simon couldn't be dead, he was too full of life. He hadn't even gotten married yet. He was too young. Mother would be devastated. Oh, maker, mother, she would never recover from this. I would never recover from this.

Fingers snapped in front of my face, bringing me out of the darkness my mind was trying to succumb to. "Did you hear me?" It was the dark haired woman again and she was glaring at me as she circled me.

"Explain yourself" she said quietly, full of venom.

I looked up at her. My head was so hazy, and I was trying really hard not to have a breakdown.

"You think that I'm responsible?" I couldn't believe it. I had no idea what had happened but I knew that whatever caused that explosion was not my fault.

"Explain this." She said as she roughly grabbed my hand that held the strange green mark. I gasped in pain as it pulsed again.

"I-I can't" I stuttered.

"What do you mean you can't?" She circled me slowly, like a wolf that was about to pounce on a ram.

"I don't know what that is, or where it came from." My voice broke, all I could think of, all I could see was Simon.

"You're lying!" She shouted as she grabbed me roughly.

The red head restrained her quickly, "We need her, Cassandra!" She said firmly.

I sighed as my body ached, at that moment, however, nothing ached like my heart. "So what happens now?" I said surprisingly evenly.

The red head turned to me and watched me with a calculating eye, "Do you remember what happened? How this all began?"

I closed my eyes and tried to force my brain to remember something, anything. I saw flashes of green light. I was running, running for my life. My lungs hurt from the exertion and then a bright light, a woman reaching out to me.

"I remember running, there were things chasing me... and a woman?" Then the memory was gone. It was like there was some sort of block in my mind keeping me from remembering.

Her eyes peaked in curiosity, "A woman?"

The dark haired woman, Cassandra, stepped forward then. She seemed calmer now. "Go to the forward camp, Leliana. I will take her to the rift."

Leliana nodded and then looked at me once more before leaving.

Cassandra moved forward and released me from the cuffs, "What did happen?" I asked as she fumbled with the locks.

"It will be easier to show you." She said solemnly.

"Where are you taking me?"

\----

The next few hours of my life were absolutely grueling. Besides the pain radiating through my left hand and all through my body, the loss of Simon threatened to pull me apart. I didn't even have time to think about it, to grieve. Cassandra told me what had happened, apparently I stepped out of a rift at the Conclave, people thought they saw a woman behind me but no one was for sure.

I had been asleep for three days before I started showing signs of consciousness. The explosion had opened a giant tear in the veil that they were calling The Breach. Other smaller rifts had appeared everywhere, demons were ravaging the land. I thought the world was madness before, and now we'd added demons to the mix.

As we fought through the demons and pushed ourselves forward we grouped up with an elven mage called Solas and a dwarf called Varric. Solas seemed to know a lot about the mark, he showed me how to seal the rifts with the power. It was a useful trick to stop the demons from coming through. Varric was witty and seemed to take in all of the chaos like the punchline of a horrible joke. I wasn't in the mood for laughter, but it was slightly amusing to watch him get a rise out of Cassandra.

I had regained some strength when we finally reached the forward camp. Leliana had made it there safe much to Cassandra's relief, and I was surprised to see Sutton standing behind a man I recognized as Grand Chancellor Roderick. Sutton didn't say anything as we approached. I was happy to see she was alive, but I was cautious. Did she believe I was guilty?

Roderick very obviously showed his belief of my guilt. He and Cassandra exchanged words. Their bickering was annoying me.

"Isn't closing the Breach the more pressing issue?" I said suddenly.

Roderick glared at me, "You're the reason we're in this mess in the first place!" he shouted at me.

Sutton looked to him and glared. "Chancellor, my sister has many faults, but she is no monster." She said defensively. I looked to her in surprise but she wouldn't look at me.

Chancellor waved a hand to dismiss her and then he and Cassandra argued again about how we would get to the Breach. My eyes widened when they turned and asked me what they should do.

"Now you're asking me what I think?" I said incredulously.

"You have the mark." Solas quipped.

"And you are the one we must keep alive."

I sighed and agreed with Cassandra's plan to charge. She smirked smugly at the Chancellor who glared at us all. We readied ourselves and began to walk away.

"Bretta!" Sutton called. I turned to look at her, and her eyes were sad.

"Maker watch over you, sister." She said with a solemn nod. I gave her a half-hearted smile and turned to leave again.

So we charged.

\----

More fighting, more blood. Not human blood, but the black innards of demons that smelled of rotting flesh. I wiped my face after one battle and we heard fighting ahead and rushed to see a rift and several soldiers fighting.

We jumped in quickly and began the same dance we had been doing for two hours. The four of us had become attuned to each other in the hours we had been fighting. Cassandra charged forward and watched my flank as I threw primal spells. Varric picked them off from afar and Solas watched for any injuries and healed us before we could become crippled. It was working and the constant action was taking my mind off the fact that my brother had just died.

After the demons had been slain and the rift closed I caught my breath as I rested my hands on my knees. "Cassandra, you found a way to close the rift. Good work." A familiar velvet voice said.

Cullen. I looked up and met eyes with him. He sighed and nodded when he saw me, "Bretta, I had heard it was you they were holding as a suspect but I hoped it was a mistake."

I stepped forward and held my hands up, "I am not responsible for this."

He shook his head and waved a hand, "No matter, I just hope they're right about you being able to close the Breach." His tone was cold and clipped and it broke my heart.

He shared a nod with Cassandra and walked over to a wounded soldier to help them, and then he was gone. I thought again to how different my life had been three days ago. I had a brother three days ago. I shared a semi flirty conversation with an ex-templar three days ago. Now today I was the most hated woman in Thedas. My brother was dead, and the handsome ex-templar looked at me like a templar usually looks at a mage.

I had to set this right.

\----

My stomach dropped as we reached the Temple of Sacred Ashes. It was just a skeleton of a building now, and inside the skeleton of a building there were actual skeletons. Flames still burned the people and I felt my stomach lurch as I looked at the death. There was no way I had done this.

"That is where you stepped out of the fade." Cassandra pointed and I walked over to inspect the area.

I looked around the surroundings and gasped when a piece of metal flashed before me. The blade was black with ash but I recognized the hilt. I rubbed the ash away with my cloak and the words I knew would be there became visible. Modest in temper, bold in deed. The Trevelyan motto, this was Simon's sword. I hugged the sword to me, a single tear fell from my eye and I hurried to wipe it away.

"A fine blade to have survived the explosion." Solas said, he was watching me with a curious expression. I didn't want to talk about Simon. If I talked about him I would lose it, and I had to close the Breach. I couldn't afford to fall apart.

"Yes it is." I said quietly and strapped the blade to my back along with my staff.

Solas didn't press me more, and for that I was grateful. I walked over to rejoin Cassandra, she was speaking with Leliana who had just showed up with several rogues. "Do you have a way for me to get to that thing?" I asked as the giant rift came to view.

"This rift was the first, and it is the key. Close it, and you close the Breach." Solas said. I nodded to them all. Cassandra directed Leliana and her archers to get into position and we made the track through the wreckage to get to the rift.

As we maneuvered through the rubble we heard voices. My voice, and the Divine's voice and another deep voice that didn't sound entirely human and then I heard Simon, shouting my name and my heart clenched. We were all surprised to hear the Divine call for my help and then nothing. Cassandra once again demanded answers and I looked to her with a glare.

"I don't remember what happened." I said lowly. I had told her this, and I was hardly in the mood to be called a liar once again. She must have heard something in my voice because she dropped it.

Everyone got into position. In order to seal the rift properly I had to first open it. Solas warned us that it would attract attention from the other side and we all braced ourselves for the impending attack.

A pride demon exploded from the rift and we started the dance once again. Shades followed the large demon and I took them out from a distance and disrupted the rift in an attempt to cripple the pride demon. The fight could have lasted minutes but it felt like hours. Once the demon was dead and had been pulled back into the rift I aimed my hand at the rift and let the power flow from my hand. Pain shot through me again and I shouted as it pulsed through me.

Please work, I thought.

Finally the pain stopped and the rift disappeared. It was done. The events from the day finally came down on me and I felt myself falling to the ground quickly. I don't know if I made impact or if someone caught me before I hit the ground. The darkness filled my eyes before I knew.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Hope everyone had a great weekend.

When I opened my eyes this time I felt much more rested. My body felt stiff, but the radiating pain in my hand was gone. I sat up quickly and looked at my hand. The green mark was still there, but it was silent, I could feel a small tingling of power from it but no pain. A small gasp pulled my eyes to the door where a young elven girl stood.

"Forgive me my lady!" She said as her eyes widened in fear.

"Why are you afraid?" I said as I pulled my legs over the side of the bed.

She fell to the floor in a submissive bow and I looked at her in confusion. "I am but a humble servant. You are back in Haven, my lady. They say you stopped the Breach from getting any bigger." She slowly began to stand.

I looked at my hand, "So they're... pleased?" I asked slowly.

"That's what they say. I need to tell Lady Cassandra you've awakened She'll be waiting for you at the Chantry. At once! she said." I tried to stop her as she turned to leave but she had already rushed from the small cabin

I sighed when I was alone again. So Cassandra was no longer demanding my head, had everyone else had a change of heart as well? I hoped so.

I looked around the room and saw a cup of water sat on the nightstand, my throat was dry and I grabbed the cup and downed it greedily. I stood and swayed slightly. My back cracked as I straightened. I sat the cup back down on the table and walked over to the vanity on the other side of the room. I gasped at my appearance, no wonder the poor girl was terrified. I looked like a despair demon. My dark brown hair was all over the place, I looked much paler than usual and my blue eyes had dark circles under them. I sighed as I grabbed the small comb from the vanity and began trying to work through the tangles. It took a few minutes but I finally got it smoothed out enough to braid it to the side and out of the way. There was a clean set of leather armor thrown over the back of a chair and I pulled it on quickly. I laced up the boots by the door and then pushed the door of the cabin open. It was bright outside and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust but when they did I stumbled a bit at all of the people.

There were two guards standing there saluting me with a hand over their hearts. I tried to ignore the curious stares of the villagers as I walked towards the Chantry. They all stared at me in awe.

"They say Andraste herself helped her out of the fade."

"That's her, that's the Herald of Andraste."

What in the maker were they on about? I squared my shoulders and headed towards the Chantry. There was a group of Chantry sisters standing at the door. I scanned their faces but it appeared Sutton wasn't among them. Her words at the camp came to my mind then. I hoped she wasn't hurt.

I pushed the doors open and as I made my way to the room at the head of the Chantry I heard voices. One was unmistakably Cassandra and I was more than certain that the one demanding my head was Chancellor Roderick. I took a deep breath and prepared myself mentally before opening the door.

\----

The Inquisition was born. Cassandra and Leliana had told me that they just wanted to restore order, and that was something that I had wanted since my bloody escape from the Circle. I just wanted peace. If that's what they were trying to do then I would help them all I could.

I was relieved that Cassandra no longer thought I was guilty. That didn't mean all people felt that way. When something terrible like this happened people needed someone to place blame on, someone to hate. I knew that feeling. Simon's face was constantly in my mind. I would find whoever did this, and I would kill them. I would kill them for my brother.

I sat in my cabin quietly. We would leave for the Hinterlands tomorrow. I had just left the war room where I saw Cullen for the first time since our encounter at the rift. He was no longer cold, but he was still guarded. I was guarded myself. He had truly thought me guilty... had I not shown him my true self in Kirkwall? He knew Simon was there, did he truly think I would murder my brother? My heart squeezed... Simon. I had sent the letter to mother the day before. It was something I should have told her in person, but to be honest I was a coward. I didn't want to look her in the eyes and tell her that her first born, her only son, was dead. I had tried to find Sutton to see if she planned to go back to our parent's home. She had left before I had awoken, headed to Val Royeaux to help the people there that mourned the Divine.

I walked over to the small chest that sat at the end of my bed and opened it. I lifted Simon's sword from the chest. I walked over to the wash basin and dipped a wash cloth in it then sat down on my bed. I heated the cloth slightly with my hand and then began to clean the grime away from the blade. I had never seen this blade in such a shape, Simon sharpened it weekly and made sure it was always clean.

I didn't realize it at first, but tears began falling from my eyes as I scrubbed the blade. My movements became quicker and more violent. I sobbed loudly. I hadn't truly cried in a long time and it felt cleansing in a way. I dropped the rag and pushed my hands into my hair as I cried. I didn't understand why this was happening to me. Hadn't I done enough? Had I not helped people and truly enjoyed doing it? Why was I being punished so severely? Why had I lost two of my dearest friends, and now my beloved brother in the course of a year? How many more would die?

"Is this what you want!" I shouted to the heavens. I was angry, I was angry at the Maker.

I sobbed again and fell onto my bed and buried my face in the pillow as I cried. A knock at my door startled me and I stood quickly and tried to wipe the tears away. I walked over to the door and opened it, Solas stood there smiling at me slightly.

"Solas" I said as I wiped at my eyes once more, "Please, come in."

The elven mage nodded at me and entered my cabin. "What brings you here?" I asked as I walked over to pick up Simon's blade. I was about to put it away but Solas stopped me with a hand on my arm.

"May I?" he said softly. I watched him suspiciously but finally handed the sword over to him.

He placed his hand on the blade and closed his eyes, purple magic came from his hand and he glided it over the blade slowly. I watched as the grime fell from the blade, and it was restored. It was glorious again.

"Nice trick." I said, trying to lighten the situation as Solas handed me back the blade.

Solas smiled at me, "As I said, it's a fine blade to have survived the explosion. I assume it belonged to someone you hold dear to you?"

Tears threatened to fall again and I nodded slowly as I ran my hand over the blade. "My brother" I croaked. I turned away to place the blade back in the chest and then I walked over and sat on the bed. Solas joined me and we sat in silence for a bit. Suddenly I found myself talking.

"He was so loud" I said with a laugh. "You could hear him coming from a mile away, but he had the kindest heart..." A sob left me and Solas placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"It is good to speak of those that are no longer with us, it keeps their spirit alive and talking of them heals us." He said and I sobbed loudly. Solas pulled me so that my face was on his shoulder and he let me cry.

I cried for a long time, Solas was silent, just a quiet comforting presence letting me grieve for a lost brother. Solas and I were friends after that. I would go to him and ask him questions of the fade and his journeys. He had very interesting views on the fade and spirits and I found myself agreeing with a lot of them. It was a comfort to find a friend in a dark time.

\----

I pulled my staff blade from the chest of the templar I had just killed. The war had ravaged the Hinterlands. We had originally come here to meet Mother Giselle but now I stayed because I needed to help the refugees. We had been here for two weeks already and the mages and templars were still going at it. We were currently trying to work to find out where they were camped so we could wipe them out and hopefully bring some peace to the people. We hunted for food every other day, the Inquisition's soldiers were the only ones trained enough to venture into the forests without getting killed immediately.

Cassandra, Solas, Varric and myself were currently trying to map out the locations of some hidden apostate caches. It was hard for the Crossroads to receive supplies with the templars and mages fighting. Things such as blankets and healing herbs were hard to come by, and I wasn't going to watch as children froze to death.

"We need to make camp, this area is secure now and the sun will be setting soon." Cassandra said as we found a clearing close to a stream. I nodded in agreement and Solas sat his pack on the ground that held our tents.

"Hey seeker, want to help me pitch my tent?" Varric said with an evil grin.

"Varric!" Cassandra shouted at him as her cheeks flamed.

Varric looked innocent as he held up his dismembered tent, "What? Oh! You thought I meant-? Wow, seeker, what a dirty mind you have." He shook his head disapprovingly at Cassandra who glared at him as she stalked over to the stream. Varric winked at me slyly and I laughed loudly as I began putting up my tent.

\----

I couldn't sleep. I hadn't truly been able to sleep since I had awoken at Haven. Nightmares plagued me, but I could never remember them. They left me as soon as my eyes were opened. One voice would always stay with me though and that was Simon's. He was always shouting my name, over and over again.

I sighed and rolled over on my bedroll, trying to think of anything else. Suddenly Cullen's face came to my mind. He hardly spoke to me at all before we had left. I didn't understand him, I was innocent, even Cassandra believed I was innocent. Why was he still treating me like a criminal? He infuriated me, it was like as soon as I tried to talk to him he had some business to take care of. It was so different than it had been the day before the explosion. Things seemed like they were finally beginning to be okay at that point. The peace talks were happening which gave everyone hope that the war would finally end, my brother was alive, and a handsome man looked at me the way a man looks at a woman he would like to spend time with.

I was more lost than ever. I had received a reply letter from father, not mother, and I knew that was only bad news. I hadn't gotten the courage to open it. Would they think it was my fault? Did they wish I had died and Simon lived? I loved my parents and I respected them more than anyone else, if they hated me, it would kill me.


	8. Chapter 8

I never thought I would be happy to see the village of Haven but here I was happy to see the village of Haven. A month in the Hinterlands was too long, but I was proud to say that the refugees were happy and safe and that horse master Dennet would be supplying the Inquisition with his finest steeds as soon as our soldiers arrived at the newly built watchtowers. It felt good to be doing that kind of work. It felt normal, it's what I had been doing the entire time I had been away from the Circle except now there were demons thrown into the mix.

"You look happy, Herald" Varric said as we walked through the gates.

I sighed contently at my dwarven friend, "I am happy, and Varric, how many times must I ask? Just call me Bretta. The whole Herald thing still freaks me out." I shuddered slightly at the title.

People looked to me like I was some sort of holy symbol and I guess to them that's exactly what I was. I had been raised by a devout Andrastian family, but after the Circles fell and I had seen the world, it had shaken my faith a bit.

Varric smirked at me, we waved at Solas as he parted from us to walk to his cabin, "I know it freaks you out, which is exactly why I keep saying it."

I mock glared at him, "Are all dwarves so cruel?"

Varric held a hand to his heart, "You wound me with your words, Herald. I am but a man of strong faith in awe of your excellency."

I stuck my tongue out at him as we began to part ways, "I'm going to check in with Leliana before I hide from everyone for a few days."

"Have fun!" He called after me with a laugh.

I sighed happily as I walked up the steps to the Chantry. That's when I noticed a crowd gathering there. Mages and templars that had pledged themselves to the Inquisition were standing in front of the Chantry arguing. Cullen was there trying to mediate.

"Your kind killed the Most Holy!" A templar accused.

"Lies! Your kind let her die!" A mage countered.

"Shut your mouth mage!" He said as he began to pull out his sword, Cullen hurried to grab the mans arm to stop him.

"Knight-Captain!" The man shouted in surprise. Cullen settled him with a glare.

"That is not my title, we are not templars any longer" he turned to level the mages with a glare as well. "We are all part of the Inquisition."

"And what does that mean exactly?" Chancellor Roderick stepped forward looking all too smug.

Cullen sighed in a tired fashion and I walked a little faster to help him. "Everyone move out, fighting amongst each other is not the answer." I said firmly.

They looked at me like they wanted to say something but I glared at them and dared them to. The templar spat on the ground before walking away with his buddies grumbling. The mages were a bit kinder in their exit but still muttered things under their breath. The templars of the Inquisition were still having trouble listening to me since I was a mage. Thankfully they respected Cullen immensely, I silently thanked Cassandra for recruiting him to be our commander.

Cullen looked at me and smiled gratefully, it was the first time he had smiled at me since the Conclave exploded and I found my irritation leaving me to return his smile. Maker, he was infuriating. I nodded at him as I came to a stop in front of Chancellor Roderick.

"Roderick, back so soon? I didn't even have a chance to miss you yet." I smiled sweetly at him and he glared.

"Sarcasm does not become you Herald." He spat the title like it were a curse word and I thought to him the thought of calling a mage the Herald of anything but evil was blasphemous.

"I don't suppose it does but I think I make up for it in charming enthusiasm, don't you?" I had long since stopped letting the Chancellor get to me. I had found that the more cheeky I was to him, the angrier it made him, and that in turn made me very happy.

He turned to glare at Cullen, "And this is who the Inquisition lets decide the fate of everyone?" He grunted before stalking off, probably to torment Cassandra. Better her than me. I nodded at Cullen and moved to enter the Chantry.

"Bretta..." He said to stop me.

I stopped walking and turned around slowly. "Yes?"

He rubbed the back of his neck, I had noticed he did this when he was nervous. "Would you... walk with me?"

I furrowed my brows in confusion. "Is there a problem with the soldiers?"

He sighed, "No, but there is a problem... between you and I..."

Now I was suddenly nervous. I cleared my throat, "I supposed I can catch Leliana up later. Sure, let's walk, commander."

\----

We were strolling through the woods outside of Haven. He hadn't really said much, and the silence was killing me. It was awkward and I hated it. I looked over at him as we walked and he was watching the ground as he walked. Finally I couldn't take it any longer.

"Cullen, what are we doing? Why did you want me to walk with you if you weren't going to say anything?" I stopped walking and crossed my arms.

He walked a few steps pass me and took a breath before turning around. "Do you know that you're the reason I decided to join the Inquisition?"

I was beyond confused, "No, Cassandra had already recruited you when the Conclave happened."

He kicked at the snow under his boots and shook his head, "Yes she had, but you're the reason I agreed to join when she asked me."

I stood there waiting for him to explain. He seemed lost in thought for a moment. "I thought about that day in Kirkwall all the time. Your words just constantly went through my mind. 'If we can't take the time to help others in times like this, then we let the darkness and the suffering win.' When Cassandra asked me to come with her your face came to mind. I remembered how you had helped that girl and her baby, without even a worry if you were caught. I told her yes before I had even realized what I was doing. I needed to help, to do my part, just like you said."

I listened to him as he spoke and I was more than a little surprised. I too had thought of that day in Kirkwall many times. It was the memory of kindness in the last place I had expected it that helped my heart from getting bitter.

Cullen smiled slightly and continued talking. "When they first told me it was you they were holding in the cell under suspicion of causing the explosion I was adamant that it couldn't be true. I told Cassandra that I knew you, that I knew you wouldn't do it. When she asked how I knew you it made me stop, and then I realized I didn't really know you at all. I had only spoken to you twice after all, who was I to say you weren't capable of such a thing?" He frowned and began walking up a small bank. I followed him, I didn't want to interrupt or ask questions. I wanted to hear everything he had to say.

We stopped at the top of the snow bank. He looked out at the view of the frozen lake and took a deep breath of the fresh air. "It shook me, that realization. I had changed my entire life because of that one meeting with you, and then when they thought you had committed such a terrible crime I started questioning my decisions. Had I been a fool? I was..." he sighed, "I have been unfair to you recently. I have treated you coldly, and I wanted to apologize for that. I have watched the way you've lead these people in this last month and you are the same woman that awed me that day in Kirkwall." I blushed at his words and rubbed my arms against the wind.

Cullen noticed my shivering and removed his cloak without hesitation and draped it over my shoulders despite my protests. "I hope you can forgive me for my behavior, and I would very much like to get to know you better... to prevent foolish misunderstandings in the future..."

I thought over everything he had said and it all made sense then. His coldness, the guarded way he spoke to me. We didn't know each other at all in reality. I understood his actions, that didn't mean they hadn't hurt me though.

"Simon was at the Conclave..." I said quietly and I snuggled into the coat. It was ridiculously warm and it smelled like a man... like Cullen.

He nodded his head and looked down, "I know, I am so sorry."

I nodded, "You thought me capable of killing my own brother? I know we didn't know each other very well, Cullen, but you saw me with my brother..."

"I thought maybe that part was an accident... I don't know. It's a mad time! Bloody demons fall from the sky, I am working with mages as opposed to being their jailor. I don't know what to think anymore."

I watched him as he became flustered and I couldn't help but to smile. "I forgive you." I said quietly. He looked over at me in surprise and returned my smile.

"Good" he said as his smile widened.

"So you thought of that day in Kirkwall often, huh?" I asked him as I smirked.

Cullen flushed and cleared his throat, "I wouldn't say often but from time to time I... yes I did."

I nodded with an amused smile and he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "I thought of it a lot too, I still do..." I murmured, I was being very candor and it was making my heart flutter. I just felt so comfortable with him... safe, yet he put my every nerve on end at the same time.

Cullen looked surprised again. "You do?" His voice was a whisper and he took a step closer to me. I moved slowly towards him too and nodded my head in answer.

"Bretta..." He whispered my name like a prayer and reached out to touch the side of my face. His hand was like fire on my skin, I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes. This was happening, my stomach felt like there was a nug doing somersaults inside of it.

"Herald!" My name being called caused us to spring apart like we had been shocked. I looked down the bank to see none other than my Spymaster, and she was smiling at me with an all too amused look.

"Leliana! I was just about to come and find you." I said, flustered.

She smirked at me and then Cullen, who was looking anywhere but Leliana.

"Yes, I can see that." She said sarcastically and I cleared my throat before taking Cullen's cloak off of my shoulders and handing it back to him.

We met eyes again and I shrugged a shoulder in apology, "Commander." I quipped before leaving him behind me to join Leliana. Her smirk grew as I approached her.

"Not a word." I said quietly in warning.

"Wouldn't dream of it." She replied as we headed back towards the gates.


	9. Chapter 9

Things hadn't gone exactly according to plan at Val Royeaux. The Lord Seeker had attacked a Chantry Mother, the templars had left calling the Inquisition heresy. I was really getting tired of being called a heretic. A mysterious flying arrow had left a cryptic message and after following the instructions on the clues we had ended up recruiting a strange elf called Sera. She spoke in riddles and hated nobles, she wanted to help though and at this point I was not turning down any help where it was offered. We had also received two invitations, one from the mage resistance at Redcliffe and another from Madame De Fer. Lady Vivienne had also pledged her help to the Inquisition and Fiona had invited us to talk an alliance with the mages.

We were almost back to Haven now. Vivienne had a very elaborate carriage and more luggage than I thought she needed, and Sera had only brought herself and her bow. Sera was puzzling, but I really like the elf. She gave Varric a run for his money with sarcastic jokes and it was amusing to watch them banter. Solas disapproved of her, he thought she was flighty and immature. I had laughed and told him that everyone seemed immature to him. Solas was the wisest person I had ever met, even wiser than my dear father. He seemed like he'd been alive for a thousand years, the way he talked of elven history like he was there. I had told him this once and he had chuckled with a sad look in his eyes.

"You'll get premature wrinkles frowning like that." Sera said as she caught up to me on her horse we had provided.

I looked over at her, "I wasn't frowning." I said defensively.

She chuckled and scrunched her face up dramatically, "This is you."

I rolled my eyes and laughed, "You're silly."

"You should be more silly, don't want to get too self important. Then maybe I'll be stealing your breeches." She waggled her eyebrows and I laughed loudly at the memory of the men attacking us in their small clothes.

\----

A knock on my door woke me. I opened my eyes and waited to hear the noise again. Sure enough three more knocks came. I lit a candle on my bedside table and pulled a robe on over my nightgown before going to the door and opening it slowly. Cullen was standing there and I tucked my hair behind my ear self consciously. We hadn't had much time to speak since my return to Val Royeaux, I had left the day after our moment on the snow bank.

"You were sleeping... of course you were sleeping. It's an ungodly hour, but I just wanted to see you." I was becoming accustomed to Cullen when he was flustered, and the sight always made me smile.

I pushed the door open and beckoned him to come in. "Come in, it's cold out."

He looked slightly hesitant, and I thought it was probably odd for him to be alone with a mage still. He nodded and came in anyway.

"I shouldn't have woke you..." He started but I held up my hand to stop his apologies.

"It's really okay, I hardly sleep these days. It was probably only a matter of minutes before my own mind woke me." I lit a few more candles and tied the sash on the robe I wore.

Cullen looked around at the small cabin that I had began to make my home. I had drawn several pictures of Simon and placed them on the walls. I had also drawn others of mother, father, and even Sutton. Cullen ran his fingers over the parchment and smiled slightly.

"These are very good."

"You sound surprised." I said as I walked over to stand beside him.

"Truthfully, I am." He looked over all of the drawings with a smile on his face.

"People are often blinded by first impressions. Is it so bizarre to think that a mage might also be an artist?" I asked conversationally.

Cullen looked to me, "I am sorry, I didn't mean to off-"

I giggled, stopping his rambling. "I am teasing you, Cullen. It is true though, I am not only one thing. I am a collection of things. We all are, I just wish people took more time to see the whole of a person, instead of particular talents they are born with or without."

"You are a most odd woman, Bretta Trevelyan." Cullen said as he looked at me.

The look in his eyes made me shy, and I looked down as I blushed.

"That" He said as he lifted my chin with his fingers. Blue eyes met hazel ones and my heart fluttered.

"You are such a leader, you're commanding in your plans and confident; and yet I can still make your cheeks redden that way. I must confess I enjoy it." He massaged my cheek with his thumb.

I felt a breath leave me as we moved closer together. Cullen rested his forehead against mine and his hand moved from my cheek to my hair, his other hand reaching down to intertwine with mine.

"Cullen... I'm glad you woke me up." I said quietly. It was as if he had saved me from the nightmares and I was truly grateful.

"I missed you, is that odd?" He said. He pulled away and looked at me with a smile.

"I missed you too." I grinned widely. I felt like I could dance, I felt like I could take on a pride demon singlehandedly.

We stared at each other for a moment. I was locked in his eyes, it was making my heart beat irregularly. I stepped closer without breaking eye contact. I leaned up and finally closed my eyes as I planted a kiss on his cheek, just as I had the day we met in Kirkwall. I moved and kissed his other cheek slowly. Cullen suddenly grabbed my face between his hands and his lips were on mine. I gasped in surprised and then returned the kiss in earnest. He began walking me backwards and I felt the back of my knees hit the mattress and we fell. Cullen's weight was pressed on me and I ran my hands up his arms and through his hair as we continued to kiss. His tongue met mine and he tasted like tea and just... Cullen. His hand moved down my leg to hitch it on his hip and I gasped.

"Cullen!" I said in a breathy voice. He kissed my neck and I thought I might explode.

"Cullen!" I said again and slightly pushed on his shoulder.

He stiffened and pulled away with an apologetic look. He tried to leave me completely but I held him to me with my legs.

"I am so sorry, Bretta! I don't know what came over me! You're a lady and I just assaulted you like some sort of brute." His face was aflame and I chuckled and touched his cheek, coaxing him to look at me.

"Cullen, I quite enjoyed it, please don't apologize. It's only... I am not..." I sighed in embarrassment.

I looked away from him as I spoke. "I have never... been with a man, in an intimate way..." My face was flaming by the time I stopped talking.

I bit my lip and looked to Cullen, he was smiling at me. He rolled off of me and propped himself up on his arm as he laid on his side.

"How old are you, Bretta?" He asked.

"I turned twenty-two just before I came to Haven." I answered.

"Maker, I am nearly ten years older than you!" He said as his eyes widened.

"Does that bother you?" I really hoped it didn't.

He thought about it for a moment, he ran his hand over my loose hair and let one of the curls wrap around his finger. "No... I don't suppose it does. It's just you seem so much older than that."

"My father always said that death ages people, I have seen much death in this last year, so I suppose that means we are about the same age." I snuggled closer to him and tucked my head under his chin.

"Will you stay here with me tonight? Just as we are?" I didn't want him to leave. His presence had silenced the terrible thoughts that plagued my mind and my sleep.

Cullen touched my face and looked down at me. I smiled up at him slightly and he returned it.

"My lovely Bretta, why is it me you have chosen?" He kissed my forehead and I leaned into him again and sighed happily.

I fell asleep before I could answer his question.

\----

When I opened my eyes I felt a warm arm wrapped around me and I smiled happily. I rolled over and looked at the sleeping man beside me. Cullen looked younger in his sleep, less troubled. I reached up and traced my finger over the scar on his lip and wondered where he got it. There was so much I still didn't know about him, but he set my entire being on fire and I felt safer with him than I had in a long while. He was beautiful, and he was here with me. I leaned up and kissed his cheek. I began to move to get out of bed but his arm tightened around me.

"Don't get up yet" he murmured and buried his head into my hair, I chuckled and relaxed into his arms.

"What will people say when they see the commander sneaking out of the Herald's cabin this early in the morning?" I said jokingly.

"Will it bother you that they'll talk?" He asked, suddenly nervous.

"No, it won't. I am used to people whispering about me as I walk by, this is one thing I wouldn't mind them whispering about." I said truthfully.

Cullen's arm tightened around me slightly and he kissed the back of my neck, I sighed happily. "Can we just stay here, just like this?" I asked as I ran my fingers over his.

"If only..." He replied.

He was right, so this time when I pulled away he let me. He didn't move however, he just watched me as I began brushing my hair and braiding it down my back. I caught him staring and blushed brightly.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You are the most beautiful woman I think I have ever seen."

I blushed and rolled my eyes. I reached into the wash basin and wet my hand so I could flick water on him. He held up a pillow as a shield and laughed.

"Disarm, my lady!" He pleaded and I laughed.

I chuckled and walked behind the dressing screen to dress. He couldn't see me, but it made me shiver a bit to know that I was naked in the same room that Cullen was in. My cheeks flamed as I pulled the leather breeches on and pulled the tunic on over them. I stepped out from behind the screen and Cullen was standing and stretching.

"I suppose we should face the music." I said wearily.

Cullen walked over and grabbed my hand and brought it to his lips. He smiled at me and tucked a stray hair behind my ear.

"You walked into the Fade and lived, you can do this."

I nodded and squared my shoulders before heading towards the door. Cullen grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him quickly and kissed me until I was breathless. When we parted I chuckled.

"You aren't making this easier!" I said excitedly causing Cullen to chuckle.

We both walked towards the door then and I opened it slowly, taking a deep breath. People were busy bees walking all over the place as usual but when Cullen and I stepped out of the cabin together they all stopped to stare. I thought I might puke. I looked at my feet and I felt Cullen take my hand comfortingly. I looked up at him and I wondered why he was so put together all of a sudden. He nodded encouragingly and I returned it and began walking.

"All right, all right! Nothing to see here! Move along people. I know you all have some place to be." It was Varric. I tried to convey my gratitude with my eyes. He merely winked and walked along, shooing the gawkers. I looked up at Cullen once more and squeezed his hand before turning and walking towards the Chantry.

\----

"Maker, I don't think I will ever get used to the smell of these things." Sera said as we slay the last of the shades falling from the rift at the Redcliffe Chantry. I looked to her and wiped the sweat from my brow. I looked to the mage that had met us here.

"I assume you sent the message?" I asked.

"Yes, I am Dorian Pavus." He bowed slightly and I returned it.

"Bretta Trevelyan." I said quietly, "This is Solas, Sera, and Cassandra" I introduced my party.

"Where is Felix?" Dorian asked as he looked around us.

"He fainted at the tavern, is there something wrong with him?"

"Felix has been sick for some time..." Dorian said just as the man in question came forward.

The two men then told me of the Venatori and just how Alexius had gotten to the Redcliffe mages before us. Time magic, it sounded dangerous and it sent fear through me at the chaos it could potentially cause. They then told me of Alexius's obsession with me, and how I was the sole reason he had even used the magic to get to the mages. That scared me, but it also intrigued me.

"We must return to Haven and tell them of this plot. If I know it's a trap then we can plan accordingly."

"I'll be joining you if you don't mind. I know Alexius, he used to be my mentor. I can help you move against him, also I bring charm and good looks, a winning combination." I smiled at the odd man and nodded.

"Considered yourself hired." I told him, and we shook hands.

\----

"Why would you knowingly walk into a trap?" Cullen boomed.

We were all in the war room planning our next move. I had decided to try and contact the mages, we needed a lot of magic to power up the mark in my hand if we were to close the Breach for good. Cullen was still adamant that we go with the templars.

"If we know it's a trap then we've won half the battle. He doesn't know we are aware." I said, trying to keep calm.

"We could send agents in a secret tunnel below the castle. I know of it, the entrance is in an old windmill and was built for the family to use in case of emergencies." Leliana piped in.

Cullen shook his head stubbornly and paced around the room once before leaning over the war table. "No, it's too risky. You could be killed." He muttered.

I sighed and looked at the three woman standing in the room with us. "Could you all give us just a moment?" They nodded and left the room quickly.

I looked at the man across the room from me and sighed, "You are being irrational" I said quietly.

Cullen's head shot up and he glared at me. "I am not! The templars are just as capable of helping you seal the Breach as the mages and they don't have a plot to kill you, might I add."

I shook my head at him and walked around the table. I perched myself on it and touched his cheek. "I will be fine." I told him.

"You don't know that." He said quietly, letting the worry show through.

"Do you remember what I said to you that day in Kirkwall?" He sighed and closed his eyes and I knew he did.

"I told you that if we don't help people then we let the darkness and suffering win, and that my life is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I have to take this risk, but we will be careful. I promise."

"Your life is not insignificant to me, and if you die then we are all condemned regardless."

"Which is why Leliana will send in her best men to infiltrate the castle, Alexius doesn't know we know of his plan. We are one step ahead of him."

Cullen stood up straight and looked at me, his eyes were still worried.

"Forgive me, I am letting my personal feelings dictate my decisions. You're right... you're always right." He chuckled at the last part and I smiled at him.

"And don't you forget it."

"I doubt you will ever let me." He kissed my forehead then and I sighed.

We would plan to go to Redcliffe.


	10. Chapter 10

I gasped as I awoke from my dream.

I looked to my side where Cullen slept beside me. My chest was heaving and sweat fell down my back. Redcliffe had been daunting. Dorian and I found ourselves thrown forward in time and the future before us had been anything but a pretty picture.

I had looked into the eyes of Blackwall, my newly recruited Warden friend, and Sera. Their eyes were full of suffering and red, something not natural.

I had watched as they died for me, and as Leliana had bravely used her very last arrow to insure we returned to the time we came from. The weight of that future had been heavy on my mind ever since we returned.

We had been victorious, gaining the support of the mages and having the ability to grant them freedom in the process. We could close the Breach for good now and yet all I could think about was that future. That future that was up to me to prevent. I had asked the future Leliana what had become of Cullen.

"He hardened after your death. He became harsh in his leadership, and he took risks with himself in battle. He was… Slain, by a red Templar that he once called brother."

Just thinking of that happening made me feel sick. I looked at his sleeping form and the fear subsided briefly. He had hugged me close when I returned. Then we walked and I told him of everything I had learned in this dark future, leaving out his own outcome.

I felt myself distancing from him. Just the thought of losing him was enough to make me uneasy. This thing between us was still new but I could already feel my heart becoming attached to him. I had lost Sylvia, Angelica, and Simon. I couldn't bear to lose Cullen too, that would surely ruin me.

A hardness was growing inside me as the weight of what I must do became more and more apparent. I would more than likely not survive this ordeal. This "Elder One" hadn't shown himself yet but if he was capable of creating such a dark future I was sure he wasn't just your average Mage.

I propped myself on my elbow as I watched Cullen sleep. He was so handsome, and he cared deeply for me. I could tell. I traced my hand through his hair and over his face, to the scar on his lip, an accident in one of his first training sessions as a young Templar, I had learned. Maker, but I could see myself loving him. I could picture it perfectly, if we lived in a different world. Me painting my pictures in a nice house, my belly round with child as a little blonde haired boy followed behind Cullen in the yard outside my window. Him smiling lovingly at me when he caught me watching them. I could see it.

We didn't live in that world though.

We lived in a world tormented by demons and war, I was a Mage and despite the outcome of this war I would never live a normal life, and letting Cullen become more attached was cruel. I had to end it. For both of our sakes.

But for tonight I would let myself sleep in his arms one last time. I would let myself believe we were those people in that perfect world, if only for a night.

\----

I awoke to the sound of someone banging on my cabin door. Cullen too was awoken, he sat up and rubbed at his eyes tiredly. I pulled my robe over my nightgown and rushed to the door.

"Sorry to disturb you dearie, but we've a bit of a situation"

It was Dorian and he looked nervous. I stepped out of my cabin and looked behind him to see an army marching down the mountain.

"Cullen!" I shouted frantically.

He appeared beside me. "Maker's breath…" He murmured.

His face hardened and suddenly he was in commander mode. He rushed back into my cabin and pulled on his armor hurriedly. I followed suit and pulled my leathers on. Not worried about modesty in the moment and neither was Cullen. We followed Dorian to the gates where Josephine was instructing everyone that wasn't a soldier to get to the chantry.

"Under what banner?" Cullen demanded as Leliana explained the unknown force approaching.

"None" Josephine said solemnly.

The gates pushed forward and we all looked to each other before opening them. A strangely dressed rogue stood before us, he looked up at us from under his hat.

"The Elder One comes, Corypheus, do you know him? He knows you! And he's angry you took his mages."

We all looked to the top of the mountain where a dark figure stood commanding the army. So this was the Elder One.

\----

An hour of fighting. My shoulders ached from loading the ballista and causing a small Avalanche. Taking out a large portion of Corypheus' troops. Templars with red lyrium growing from them attacked us. They twisted into vile creatures and I thought briefly how glad I was that Cullen had left the order. Now we made our way to the Chantry, just when we thought we might have a chance a bloody archdemon shows up.

As Varric had said, I am the most unlucky person alive.

We were all in the Chantry now, contemplating certain death when Roderick spoke of a way out of the valley.

"If we could get the attention of that thing then we could lead the people of Haven to safety" he said weakly and coughed.

"I'll go." I said quietly.

All eyes shot to me but the only ones I looked at were a pair of hazel ones that looked angry and scared.

"Bretta…" He began in a warning tone but I held up my hand.

"Cullen, it's me this thing wants. I will cause a distraction and it's up to you to lead the people out of here."

He came toward me and spoke in a lower tone, "We will find another way."

I smiled and touched his cheek. "I'm afraid we are short on time, Cullen. Get everyone out of here, okay?" I turned to leave him before I lost the strength to do so.

He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him. "Bretta I…" His eyes searched mine and I saw that future again. I held that thought in my heart as I kissed his cheek quickly and left, my heart squeezing tightly in my chest.


	11. Chapter 11

Cold. I felt colder than I thought was ever possible.

When I was eight years old we had a large First Day celebration at our estate. The entire Trevelyan House was staying with us, and we also were housing our neighboring friends and their families. Mother had been busy preparing for the gathering for months. One night I was sitting in the garden bundled up in my winter furs watching the stars above my head. Sutton pecked on the glass and I turned my head. She had smiled wickedly and I heard the click of the lock turning. I rushed to the window and began knocking on it and shouting for her to let me in. The glass was thick and magical though. Father had ordered it from the Cirlce of Magi in Fereldan especially for mother's garden, no sound could pass through it. My shouts fell on deaf ears as Sutton sauntered away.

They had found me nearly two hours later, huddled in a ball under one of the dead pear trees. My lips were blue and I had lost feeling in my toes. Mother had shouted at Sutton in front of all our guests and sent her to her room, she had not been allowed to attend the ball on the final night because of her little stunt. The site of her horrified expression had been enough to warm my cold body.

I had thought then that I knew what it was like to nearly freeze to death.

I was wrong.

My entire body ached as I sat up in the cavern where I had landed as I fled the Avalanche that leveled Haven and what was left of Corypheus's army. I felt of a huge knot on the back of my head and winced. It also hurt every time I took a breath. Broken ribs, I let a bit of healing magic flow from my hand to my injured abdomen and hissed at the pain as I felt the bones mending. I felt tired after I healed my rib but I knew I had to move. If I passed out now I would surely die.

\----

It felt like days that I walked through the cavern. A small bit of demons tried to attack me and I held out my hand that held the green mark and shouted as a new kind of energy flowed from it. A rift opened and pulled the demons inside of it. I sagged against a nearby wall after they had vanished and winced as I cradled my still injured middle. Blood was seeping through the leathers that I had cherished so much, I tried to heal the opening wound but I was drained. I had to move.

I finally made it out of the cavern and a blizzard awaited me. The harsh wind ripped at my cheeks and threatened to knock me over. Blood dropped onto the snow as I walked and I thought that this was it. This was where I would die. I would die alone in the cold, forgotten. I was about to collapse and accept my fate when I saw a bit of smoke. I tried to hurry my pace but my injuries didn't allow it. I fell to my knees as I reached the small fire pit. I picked up the embers and they still felt warm in my freezing hands. They had to be close. I looked around and felt a surge of hope fill me. Maybe it wasn't over, not yet.

I pushed myself up a small bluff and sobbed in relief when I saw a camp in the little valley below. I fell into the snow and sobbed openly, I think I may have been in shock. My blood still soaked my hand through my leathers but I held my other hand above my head and waved rapidly. I don't think I had the energy to move.

"Help!" I shouted and my voice was a hoarse chirp.

I mustered up what was left of my energy and shot a small fireball into the air to get their attention. I saw people headed towards me then and I pulled myself to my feet.

"It's the Herald!" I heard the voice of Cassandra shout.

"Thank the Maker." Leliana said in relief.

I stumbled to try and meet them, I kept falling and wincing. I was beginning to feel light headed from the blood loss. Then suddenly I was warm. Warm strong arms surrounded me and I looked up at the face of Cullen. His face was hard, but his eyes were wet with unshed tears and filled with worry. He lifted me into his arms and cradled me like a child to his chest.

"She is badly injured. Get the healers!" He shouted in his commander voice as he began to carry me towards the small camp.

"Cullen…" I croaked as I touched his face.

"Don't try to talk, just hold on, okay? You keep looking at me. You're safe, I've got you. Bretta… Keep your eyes open!" His voice became frantic as my eyes drooped.

He was so warm, and I was so tired. I was safe. His pleading for me to stay awake became distant as I let my mind enter the Fade. For the first time in what felt like a lifetime, I slept.

\----

Shouting made me open my eyes. Cullen, Leliana, Josie, and Cassandra were arguing with each other. I winced at the pain in my head. I realized that I had no clothes on but I was sweating because of all the furs covering me. I sat up and hissed at the pain still lingering in my side.

"You're awake." Came the soothing voice of mother Giselle.

I looked to her and coughed. She walked over and held a water skin to my lips. I felt like a child being tended to, but independence didn't have a place here right now. My throat was dry and I drank the water greedily.

"It is hard to sleep with all of the arguing." I murmured, my voice slowly returning.

"They have the luxury of that thanks to you." She said with her unwavering smile.

I sighed and asked her if I could have some clothes. She complied and brought me a fresh pair of smalls and some leathers. She helped me as I pulled them on.

"Do we know where Corypheus went?" I asked as I laced up my boots.

"We aren't exactly sure where we are." She replied.

I stood and made to peek out of the tent.

"The Commander will want to know you've awoken. You were asleep for three days, and he was in turn awake for three days." She went to exit the tent to fetch him. I stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. She turned to look at me, a question in her eyes.

"I do not wish to see Commander Cullen, I would very much like to be by myself. I need to plan and decide what needs to be done now that the Inquisition is homeless." My voice quivered but my resolve was sure.

I had to accept the role that had been bestowed upon me. I had seen the look in Cullen's eyes when he realized I lived, I could have looked at him forever. That was dangerous, I couldn't let thoughts of him cloud my mind. I had to lead these people. I had to make the hard decisions. There was no room for distractions.

"The prophet Andraste gave up her worldly desires to better serve the Maker. A noble sacrifice but I have often wondered if it were a necessary one. Sometimes the love of others makes us stronger than we think." She mused as she looked at me.

"You always speak of Andraste and I as if we are equals… It's unnerving." I murmured.

"There are some similarities. You're both strong women, and there are some that even believe that Andraste was perhaps a powerful Mage. You've had an impossible task thrusted upon you, much like Andraste."

"Yes, but she was chosen by the maker. This…" I said as I looked at the anchor on my hand. "This is a mark of dark magic by a mad man."

Mother Giselle looked at me with her chantry mother eyes. She had a way of making me feel like a small child at weekly services again.

"You are a sign of hope to these people. They saw their Herald stand and fall in the face of their enemy and now she has returned again. Faith can carry people farther than cold truths sometimes. Think about that."

I made to reply to her but she exited the tent, a song forming on her lips. People turned to stare at her, and then they soon joined in. Even the advisors stopped their bickering to look at the gathering of people. I stepped slowly out of the tent and looked around as the people began to fall on their knees before me. I wanted to tell them to stop. I wanted to tell them that I was not this holy symbol they wanted me to be. I was a woman, in the wrong place at the wrong time. I felt the weight of each of these people on my shoulders as they fell on their knees before me.

I looked up and met eyes with Cullen. His eyes were searching mine, I'm not sure what he saw there but he looked away. His face hardened, and I felt a wall build itself around my heart.

The song ended and I took a deep breath.

"A word." It was Solas, he walked ahead of me and I knew he intended for me to follow.

Perhaps my dear elvish friend could help me figure out how I was supposed to take on all of this. I ignored the pair of hazel eyes that followed me as I walked away. I ignored the painful twinge in my heart as I locked it away from him.

No distractions.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Hoping to get the next 4 chapters up within the next few days!

Skyhold.

We had been here a week. I walked amongst the grounds and helped people where I could. The people of Haven had lost much and I felt it was my duty to make them safe, to take care of them. So I healed people that were injured, I took food to mothers whose husbands had died protecting the Inquisition, I played with the children in the garden. I felt not only my body healing but my mind. I had become firm in my resolve, I was the Herald, these people counted on me. I wouldn't fail them where I had failed Angelica, Sylvia… I swallowed at the thought of Simon. His face and his voice shouting my name was forever burned into my mind.

As I walked I noticed a gathering of people. I looked to see Cassandra and Leliana standing in the stairwell as if to give a speech. Leliana motioned for me to join them and I walked meekly up the stairs.

"What is going on?" I asked nervously.

Leliana stepped towards me and presented a sword.

"The Inquisition needs a leader. It needs someone not afraid to make sacrifices, it needs someone to be a symbol for the people in this dark time." She said the words as if she had practiced them in a mirror.

Cassandra stepped forward with a smirk on her face. "It needs you, Bretta. You've already been leading us, we just want to make it official."

I looked from them to the crowd below. More weight upon my shoulders.

\----

So I was the Inquisitor. It was a hard title to get used to. There were delegates from all over Thedas coming to Skyhold to see me. The politics were driving me insane, I practically begged Leliana to find missions so that I could get away.

The politics of being the Inquisitor weren't the only things I was hiding from however. I hadn't spoken to Cullen in weeks. We interacted at the War Table and that was it. He hadn't tried to approach me and part of me was grateful, but another part, the part that I had tried to lock away was screaming at him to change my mind.

I spent my days that I wasn't in the field with Solas. We painted the walls of his sanctuary together and he told me tales of elven culture. If I wasn't with Solas, I was with Dorian, his flirting and light sense of humor took my mind off of things. If I needed an ale and a good story I would go to the tavern and talk to Sera, Bull, and Varric over a game of Wicked Grace.

At night however, I was alone. My dreams had become more vivid. Simon shouting for me, Sylvia haunting me, her once beautiful eyes sallow as she asked me why why why.

I screamed myself awake, my night shirt was soaked through with sweat and I was sobbing. I wanted my mother. I wanted her comfort like I had wanted it in my early days at the Circle. I wanted her kind words, her protection. I wanted to sit with father in his study, I wanted Simon to muss my hair and call me Bumblebee. I even missed Sutton, and all of her venomous words.

Skyhold had become a home to me, but my family was my true home. I missed them so much it hurt deep inside me. Mother had written me finally. I still couldn't read it, I couldn't stand to read her words of encouragement, knowing that it could very well be my fault that Simon was dead.

I clutched my pillow to my face and screamed in frustration. I never wanted any of this. I didn't want to be a leader, I didn't want to be a Mage. Why had the Maker done this to me? Was I being punished for my magic? Why was it that I had to turn the man I loved away because of the responsibility dropped on my shoulders?

The man I loved…

I pulled myself from my bed. I draped my robe over my shoulders. It was a fine blue silk from Orlais that probably cost more than my entire wardrobe combined. Josie had gotten it for me as a sort of coronation present. I had wanted to refuse but once I felt the fine material I indulged myself and kept it.

Once I had tied the sash of the robe around my waist I slipped on a light pair of slippers and crept down the stairs to the main hall. It was always eerie walking around the castle at night. The only souls awake were the guards and they were so caught up in trying to not fall asleep that I'm sure they didn't even notice my lithe form moving in the shadows.

When I got outside I hugged my shoulders against the chill. I looked up at the guard tower that Cullen had made his quarters. I took a deep breath and began making the walk to the entrance. My heart felt heavy. He must hate me. We could still be friends though, right? He had been a great comfort to me, to be truthful the last good night's rest I had had was the night before the attack on Haven.

I got to the door and took a deep breath. I was about to knock on the large wooden door when voices from inside stopped me.

"Cullen, you work too hard." Came a melodical female voice.

"You're one to talk, when was the last time you actually did something for yourself?" He replied and I could hear the smile in his voice.

"I can think of a few things I would like to do for myself…" Her voice dropped into a suggestive tone.

"Oh? And what might those things be?" Cullen was flirting back.

He had always sounded nervous and unsure with me, but now his voice held a confident lilt. I couldn't stay to listen to the unknown woman's reply. I had to get away. I fled from the door, not sure of why I had gone in the first place. I was stupid. Foolish. Of course he wasn't upset at my sudden dismissal, I had just been a passing fancy, or perhaps he felt the need to protect me. I tried to stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks but they came on their own accord.

I collided with someone in my escape and I looked up to see Blackwall looking down at me.

"My lady, are you alright?" His eyes were filled with worry. I sobbed and clung to him, his arms hesitantly circled me. He held me while I cried into his shirt.

Blackwall and I hadn't really became as close as my other companions and I. He was very stand offish and secretive. He always diverted his eyes when you asked him questions and quickly changed the subject. A part of me didn't trust him due to his secrecy, and he made it hard to get to know him with how closed off he was. He was reliable in a fight however, he watched the back of everyone in our company and showed skills as a warrior that I had never seen.

We stood there while he held me for some time. He probably thought I was mad because of my behavior but I found it hard to care. I felt my heart break as I cried, not only because of Cullen, but because of the loss I had seen. The weight of the world that had been placed on my shoulders. The loss of the carefree girl I used to be.

"I apologize, Blackwall. I seem to have lost my composure." I said as I finally pulled away.

He smiled at me and I thought it might have been the first time I had seen him showing an expression other than stoic calm.

"It is no trouble, my lady." He said earnestly and his voice was so full of empathy and understanding that I felt slightly guilty for questioning his secrecy.

After all, we all had our demons we were trying to hide from. The mood had gotten too heavy for my liking so I forced a chuckle that sounded more like a croak.

"Please, call me Bretta or Bee, all my friends do." I smiled at him.

"Bee…" He said slowly.

"My brother, he called me Bumblebee. I used to hate it, I said Bee's were not beautiful like butterflies and that it greatly offended me to be called such." I chuckled at the memory.

"Simon, my brother, he had said 'Bee's are beautiful in their own way, and better yet, they can protect themselves. They are strong, much like you, little Bee'". A tear fell from my eye at the memory.

Blackwall reached out slowly and wiped the tear away. His hands were rough and calloused, but strong. I felt my breath hitch slightly at the contact.

"Your brother sounds like an intelligent man."

"He was, he um, he died, when the Temple exploded."

"I'm sorry for your loss. I have lost brothers in battle, not blood, but they were brothers all the same." He was a little over a decade older than myself. He would have been a young man when the Blight came.

"In death, sacrifice." I whispered.

"That's not just a Warden's oath, my la- Bee… Death is always a sacrifice in war. To fight at all is a sacrifice. I want you to know how brave I think you are, if you ever need an ear, I am here." He had become closed off again. I watched him as he left me standing in the corridor alone.

\----

We were in the War Room planning ways to build the Inquisition's renown. Josie had the grand idea to get us invited to the Winter Palace, but that was still a few months away. In the meantime we had to find ways to let the people of Thedas know that we were there to protect them.

I was steadily avoiding all eye contact with Cullen. I had locked myself in my room the past two days. I had only agreed to come out when Sera had showed up and told me I smelled like a horse's arse and that Leliana sent her to fetch me for a council meeting.

It wasn't unusual for Cullen and I to not interact on a daily basis. We had both avoided that, but I had always been able to put all of that aside when we were in the War Room. The success of the Inquisition was bigger than my feelings. Today though, I wouldn't look at him, I deflected any time he tried to talk directly to me. I could feel his eyes on me, questioning me, but I couldn't look at him. All I could see was him with that woman, wrapped around each other. Did he hold her face the way he had held mine? I felt sick again.

The War Room doors opened and we all turned to see Varric entering with a wary expression. Leliana and Josie had been in a heated debate on whether we explore the Exalted Plains or the Emerald Graves first. They quieted to look at Varric in question.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have a friend here that the Herald will want to meet…" He said quietly.

"Well by all means, bring them in." I said, grateful for the distraction from Cullen's piercing gaze.

Varric clapped his hands together and smiled. "It'd probably be better if you met in private, away from listening ears. Meet me on the far wall beside the barracks. I'll introduce you there." Before we could question him again he was gone.

I turned to my advisors and sighed. "I suppose I should go then, wonder who this mystery guest is?"

"If it's who I think it is, Cassandra is going to kill our little dwarf friend." Leliana said warily.

I didn't stay to ask her what that might mean. I fled the room, I could feel Cullen's gaze on me as I exited. When I closed the War Room door behind me I took a deep breath of air. Maker, he drove me batty. I thought about him all the way to the catwalk. I wondered who this woman he was seeing was. An old flame? Their conversation had sounded like they had known each other for some time. Or was she just another person who had made the pilgrimage to Skyhold? The not knowing was gnawing at me.

"Okay Varric, who is this mystery friend of yours?" I said a little more harshly than I had intended.

"Herald, meet Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall." He motioned to the shadows and a woman stepped forward.

"Though, I don't really use that title any more." She said with a wink at Varric.

I was frozen, however, that voice, that soft melodic voice. This was the woman that had been with Cullen two nights ago.

The woman was Marian Hawke, Champion of Kirkwall.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This chapter might have material that is sensitive to some, just a warning.

The Champion was beautiful.

It was hard not to notice her obvious beauty, you'd probably have to be blind. She was very thin and the way she moved was graceful to watch. Her hair was a rich blonde, her skin pale as snow, and her eyes were a bright piercing green. The only flaw to her complection was a vertical scar that sliced through her eyebrow all the way to her jaw. The scar somehow added to her beauty, it made her look dangerous, and I'm sure she was.

She had been here a week, full of ideas and promise. I tried to dislike her, I really did, but honestly Varric's novel hadn't done her justice. She was a sight to behold, I had originally found it hard to believe one woman defeated an Arishok singlehandedly. Now though, I could see why she had inspired Varric to record her tale.

I could see why Cullen would want her in his bed…

The thought made me sick. When we were all in the War Room she would find reasons to touch him, she would throw her head back and laugh in her light airy way, Cullen seemed at an ease with her that I had never seen. It was hard to watch, my heart hurt.

Hawke had informed us of her dealings with Corypheus. We had found out that he could influence the minds of Grey Wardens, which could explain why the whole bloody order had disappeared, except for Blackwall.

We had to search out her Grey Warden friend to see if he had learned anything useful. That temporarily put Josie and Leliana's arguments over where we could go next on hold. It also got me away from Skyhold, away from Cullen.

It was the night before we were to leave for Crestwood. It had been a while since we were in the field and we were all trying to soak up our comforts while we could. I had let Sera convince me to join everyone at the tavern. I had wanted to lock myself away in my room and enjoy my last precious moments with my bed but Sera could be convincing when she wanted.

"Come on, Bee. Let loose for a bit, Miss Champy pants isn't going to be there if that's what's got your breeches in a bundle." She quirked an eyebrow at me.

My mouth opened and closed in shock but I finally righted myself. "I don't know what you're talking about." I quipped.

She laughed her loud belly laugh. "Yeah right, you're the most translucent person I've ever seen. I don't know why she gets you in such a tiz but the looks you give her could set a bloody ice giant on fire."

I glared at my elf friend as she laughed at me. "I will join you, but not because you have gotten under my skin, but because I am choosing to go of my own free will."

Sera swatted my behind as I walked past her. "You keep telling yourself that, Quizzy."

\----

"And then my sister walked right into the oil that Simon and I had slicked the ballroom floor with. She slid the entire length of the room! Her hair was flying around her and she was screeching like darkspawn the entire time." I could barely talk I was laughing so hard at my story.

Or perhaps it was the ale making the story seem funnier than it was.

Everyone around me laughed too. I had been at the tavern for an hour now. Sera had been handing me drinks steadily. I had lost count after five, and now everything felt light and wonderful. I had finally gotten to meet all of Bull's Chargers; they were just as brash as Bull.

"You might have some Red Jenny in you after all, Bee!" Sera giggled as she poured more ale into my glass.

"I think she's had enough, Sera." Blackwall murmured disapprovingly.

"Pish posh, she never has any fun."

"She also has to wake to embark on yet another journey in the morning and I think she'd probably be better off doing that without a raging headache."

I slammed my ale onto the table to end their bickering. "You're right, Blackwall" I said as I stood.

He and Sera were both looking at me like I had lost my marbles. I giggled because their expressions were funny.

"No no no. I mean it, I want my bed. Ohhhh I love my bed. It's so much softer than my bed at the Circle. Yes, good plan, bed, sleep, nightmares. Blackwall! My good man! Would you care to escort me to my quarters?" I presented my hand dramatically.

Blackwall sighed and took my hand to loop it through his arm. I could hear Sera laughing at me through our entire exit.

I leaned on Blackwall as we walked through the grounds to the stairs that led to the entrance of the castle. I signed happily, I hadn't been this unworried in months. Suddenly, though, Cullen's face entered my mind and I frowned. I stopped walking as we reached the steps. My arm slipped from Blackwall's and he turned to look at me.

"Bee?" He asked. He stepped forward and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Am I pretty, Blackwall?" I asked bluntly.

He blinked a few times and opened his mouth and then closed it. "Y-yes, you're a very attractive woman." He sounded very uncomfortable.

I frowned deeper and sighed. "Am I beautiful? Attractive isn't the same as beautiful."

"Bee… What is this really about?"

"Am I beautiful, Blackwall. You're my friend, just please answer me." I ignored his question and stared into his eyes.

He looked at me for a moment and then smiled before cupping my cheek. "Sometimes I think you might be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." He said earnestly, his voice was full of something. Something I was too drunk to try and figure out.

"Then why doesn't he love me?" I asked quietly. "Am I not as pretty as she is? Is that it? Or is she just smarter? Oh, she is very smart…" I was talking to myself now.

"Bee, who are you talking about? Is this about the Commander?" Blackwall was stoic again. The emotion he had shown gone.

"I never wanted any of this. I never wanted to be a Mage, the Herald." I spat the word. "The only thing I ever let myself want was him, and I screwed it up. I screw everything up…" I walked up the tall stairs and looked over the ledge that fell down into the lower courtyard.

"I could end it now." I whispered.

"Bee! Stop!" Blackwall was right behind me.

I inched closer to the edge. "I could escape all of this, I could be a coward. I could end it all, right now. Maybe if I was dead Corypheus would leave us all alone."

I turned to look at Blackwall, he stood a foot away and he held his hands out like he wanted to grab me, but he was afraid I would jump, and I probably would have. I stared into his eyes and then cocked my head to the side.

"You shouldn't love me, Blackwall." I said lowly.

"Please, Bee, just come here, let me put you to bed."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. All I had to do was fall, my neck would probably break. It was so late, Blackwall couldn't find a healer quick enough. I could have an end, finally.

"Bretta, stop!" A different voice commanded, a Commander's voice…

I opened my eyes and turned my head to the right sharply. He stood there staring at me with a stern expression, but he was scared. I knew his face, I knew his expressions.

"Cullen." I whispered, my foot slipped and I felt myself begin to fall but Cullen caught me.

He pulled me to him and I rested my head on his chest as he tears began to fall. What had I nearly done?

"I will take the Herald to her room. Thank you , Blackwall." He dismissed the other man and then lifted me into his arms as if I weighed nothing and walked us up the stairs.

I listened to his heart as he carried me. He smelled the same, he smelled just so… Cullen. I loved him, Maker how I loved him. He didn't say anything as he carried me to my room. He pushed the door open with his foot and walked up the stairs to my loft. He laid me on my bed like I was a precious object and then he unlaced my boots. I watched him, drinking in each line of his face. He looked pale, was he sick? I wanted to reach out and touch him but I didn't want the moment to end. He finished unlacing my boots and then he stood up as if to leave. I shot my hand out and grabbed his arm.

"Don't leave… Not yet." I would probably have been embarrassed at the begging tone in my voice, but my mind was still cloudy with ale.

He seemed unsure, I could see he wanted to refuse. My dignity be damned.

"Please, Cullen." My voice was a whimper.

He rubbed his hand over his face. "Maker, Bretta…" He whispered before motioning for me to scoot over.

I moved quickly and then watched as he unlaced his own boots and put his feet on my bed. I scooted slowly towards him, testing what he would let me get away with. I laid my head on his chest slowly and I felt a long breath of relief leave me as I heard his heart beating against my ear. He was stiff for a moment but then I felt him relax and his hand began rubbing soothing circles on my lower back.

"I'm sorry… For what you saw earlier." His other hand rested on his stomach and I traced the lines of his knuckles.

"Why haven't you came to me? I know we-" he stopped as if trying to gather the right words. "I know we haven't been close as of late, but you can always talk to me. I care for you. To think that you might have…" His voice caught.

"Shhh… Don't think about it." I said as I traced the ring he wore on his finger. It had the Templar crest on it.

"I miss you." I said after a moment of silence.

"I've been right here." He said.

"I know."

"Don't disappear again." He said quietly, but his voice was pleading.

I couldn't respond, my eyelids were getting heavy. The beating of his heart and the soft motions of his hand on my back were making sleep take me.

"Cullen?" I said, my voice groggy.

"Yes?"

"Do you still think I'm pretty?"

He chuckled and I felt him press a kiss to my forehead.

"Yes, go to sleep, you have a long journey in the morning."

I think I might have mumbled something else to him, but my mind was already halfway to the Fade.

The next morning when I woke, Cullen was gone, and I wondered if I had imagined him being there at all.


	14. Chapter 14

"I can't believe the coward ran." Sera said with a strong note of disapproval.

We had been in Crestwood for going on two weeks now. Our search for Hawke's Warden friend was put on hold when we arrived to the town of Crestwood to find it nearly completely overran by corpses. Hawke had left our party in favor of scouting ahead, and I insisted the rest of us stay until the problem with the rift in the lake was resolved.

Amongst the ruins of Old Crestwood we had found that it was in fact the mayor that had flooded the village back during the Blight. Upon returning with this evidence to confront the man we found a letter admitting his guilt and all of his personal items packed and gone.

Everyone was miffed about what had happened so I suggested we all get a room at the local tavern before continuing on our search for the Warden in the morning. Everyone missed sleeping in an actual bed, and Varric said he needed to drown himself in ale to forget the smell of all the rotting flesh.

Blackwall had been mostly silent our entire mission. We hadn't spoken about the night of my almost mistake. I felt ashamed for him to have seen me that way, and what I had said to him, my cheeks flushed just thinking about it. I had noticed the way he looked at me, but I had ignored it for the most part. I was still green in the workings of men. It wasn't until I had really looked in his eyes that I noticed he looked at me, the way I must have looked at Cullen.

I was such a fool.

\----

With the threat of the undead lifted, the people of Crestwood were celebrating. They held a small festival that night in our honor. I had finally taken a bath and washed most of the grime from the field off of me. Aside from my shame from how I acted two weeks ago, my spirits were high. I watch Varric twirl Sera around the dance floor and laughed loudly. They were quite an awkward pair.

"I'm the man! I'm supposed to lead!" Varric was complaining.

"Oh, piss off, I'm taller, therefore I lead!"

"That's low even for you! To belittle a man because of his height!"

"You're already be-littled." Sera crowed at her own joke.

"Ow! Hey! You did that on purpose you ninny!" Sera shouted as she hopped on one foot.

I continued to chuckle to myself as they bickered. I took a small sip of wine that had been offered to me, no more ale, that was for sure.

"My lady, care to dance?" I looked up to see Blackwall.

I looked at him and I felt ashamed again. He wasn't looking at me with judgment or anger though. He was smiling, he held his hand out to me and I returned his smile meekly before placing my hand in his.

He led me onto the dance floor like a gentleman and then bowed, I laughed and curtsied. Then he led me around the dance floor like a professional. I remembered the steps vaguely from my childhood but it wasn't hard to recall them with him leading.

"Blackwall, I must say, I'm very impressed that you dance so well." I said as he twirled me before bringing me back in.

"My mother taught me, she adored dancing. She said every young man should know how to twirl a woman like a princess."

His story made me smile.

"You've never told me anything like that before."

"It is hard for me to… Open up. I am trying however, and I hope that you feel you can trust me the same." He settled me with a serious look as we spun.

"I will remember that, thank you."

He nodded and we finished the dance. He bowed his head to me and was about to walk off the floor but I stopped him.

"Blackwall, about the other night-" he held up a hand to stop me.

"My lady… Bee, I more than anyone know what it's like to hold the lives of others in your hands and I would be lying if I said I have never had dark thoughts myself. What matters is that you didn't do it… And I will always be here to offer you a shoulder, if you should need one…" and with that he left me standing on the floor alone.

\----

"Hawke should be right ahead." Varric said as we neared the entrance to the cave where the Warden was supposedly staying.

Sure enough there was the bright blonde haired woman, she waited for us at the mouth of the cave.

"Ho there Inquisitor." She gave her familiar smirk as she approached us.

"Is he in there?" I asked after giving her a curt nod.

"Yes, and my friend, he can be a bit on the suspicious side. Just… Don't be offended if he questions you."

That had been an understatement. Nearly as soon as we reach the opening at the back of the cave I had a sword aimed at my chest. Sera pulled her bow and aimed it at the Warden in defense. I held out a hand to call her off, she lowered her bow but glared at the red haired man before us.

"Alastair, it's fine, this is the Inquisitor." Hawke stepped forward.

The man looked me up and down and then sighed before sheathing his sword.

"Forgive me for being cautious, it seems everyone is out for my head these days, I am Alistair, Grey Warden." He held out his hand and I shook it while my mind slowly connected the dots.

"Wait, the Alistair? The Alistair that fought along side the Grey Warden who ended the Blight?" Varric asked the question before I could.

Alistair looked strained, "Yes, but that was a long time ago, I was a different man then."

He got a far away look in his eyes and I wondered briefly if the rumors that he had been in love with the Warden Mage that ended the Fifth Blight were true. She had died delivering the killing blow to the archdemon. I remembered hearing the news of the victory at the Circle. I had been there for nearly a year when news of the victory reached us. Alistair cleared his throat and turned away from us.

"'What have you done lately, Alistair?' That's seems to be what people ask these days." He scoffed.

"We've come to you because suddenly all the Wardens disappear, and then a darkspawn magister shows up. I'm curious if one might have something to do with the other." I had come here for answers and I intended to get them.

"It very well could. We had thought that Corypheus was dealt with after Hawke killed him. Archdemons have the ability to come back to life, I feared Corypheus might have the same ability and just when I had began looking into it, every single Warden in Orlais began to hear the Calling." He voice grew grave.

"You didn't tell me this, Alistair." Hawke's voice was low and betrayed.

He chuckled without humor, "I like to keep at least some of the oaths I've made to the Wardens"

I was beyond confused, "What is this Calling?"

"Grey Wardens are tied to the darkspawn somehow. It eventually poisons us, at first it's just bad dreams, but then you hear the music. It starts out quiet, and then it gets louder, to the point where you can't even think straight. Bloody annoying really." He said.

I turned to looked at Blackwall, his face was guarded, but that's wasn't unusual. "Are you not effected, Blackwall?"

"You have a Warden with you? Warden Blackwall? My mentor… Duncan, he spoke highly of you." Alistair was surprised to find Blackwall with us.

"Duncan… Yes, Duncan, good man." Blackwall murmured.

"Well?" I asked, he hadn't answered my question.

"I do not worry about the Calling. Fearing it only gives it power, anything Corypheus does will only strengthen my resolve." He had placed a wall up, and something told me there was more to it, but I didn't want to push him.

"Do you think that this calling is being mimicked by Corypheus?" I asked.

Alistair looked up at me, "I think that might be a very strong possibility."

\----

We were heading back to Skyhold after three weeks away and I was more than ready. The trek back always seemed to take longer than the trek away. We were making camp for the night, Alistair was returning with us to speak to my advisors about us investigating the Western Approach. I wanted to ask him so many questions about the Blight. They said that Solona Amell was an exceptionally powerful Mage. I remembered pretending to be her as a child, me and the other apprentice children would fight over who got to defeat the Archdemon. I remembered us acting out the heroic death dramatically. Looking at the man that had lived it now, I suspected it was far worse than our child's minds could have ever comprehended.

"What's on your mind, Herald?" Varric asked as he sat down on the log beside me.

I looked to my dwarven friend and shrugged. "I'm excited to be home, but I'm also nervous."

I had confided in Varric about my stupidity the night before we left. He had listened to me with non judgmental eyes, he hadn't even cracked a joke at my expense.

"The Commander cares for you, Bee. I don't think you need to worry. You should just talk to him, put the poor guy out of his misery." I wanted to tell him that my feelings for Cullen ran deeper than his did for me.

I looked across the fire where Hawke was talking animatedly with Alistair. I wondered if even he was moved by her beauty. She seemed to be the type of woman that could make any man fall in love with her.

"I made the decision to push him away, I shouldn't be so upset that he's given up." I said as I threw a rock into the flames.

"Herald, for such an intelligent woman, you sure are dense sometimes." Varric said. "Cullen looks at you the way Bull looks at a fresh barrel of ale."

I threw my head back and laughed at his comparison. "Maybe I should talk to him…" I said quietly.

Varric slapped me on the back and stood from his place beside me. He dusted his rear off before winking at me. "You should, and you should also know that I am always right. Don't forget it!"

He pointed a finger at me and then left me to go and talk to Hawke. I sighed and threw another rock into the fire. I must have gotten very deep in thought because I didn't even realize Alistair had sat down in Varric's spot until he spoke.

"So where are you from, Inquisitor?" He asked conversationally.

"Please, call me Bretta, it makes me feel somewhat normal." I said truthfully.

He laughed, "Get used to it friend, you're never going to be normal again. This right here is going to follow you for the rest of your life. Whether you want it to or not…" I wondered if we were still talking about me.

"Thank you, for that lovely piece of positivity." I joked and he laughed again.

"I'm from Ostwick, to answer your question. I grew up there until I was eleven and then I was taken to the Circle of Magi."

"You don't really act like most Circle Mages I've known."

"How so?" I asked slightly flattered and slightly offended.

"You seem… Free." He said finally.

"I am many things, Alistair, but sadly free is not one of them."


	15. Chapter 15

We had returned to Skyhold late into the night. I had offered to help unsaddle horses and put supplies away, but both Sera and Blackwall had shooed me away and instructed I get some rest. I felt like I should have protested, but the thought of my bed was too enticing. I had passed out nearly as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I awoke early that morning and took a long bath. Varric's words were running through my mind and I had decided I would talk to Cullen. I had gone far too long without explaining to him why I had shut him out the way I did. I would talk to him and if he wanted nothing to do with me, if he had truly moved on, then I would accept that and call him a friend. I just knew I needed him in my life in some way, being with him had been the one bright spot in this whole twisted mess, he made me feel like a woman, not a holy symbol, not a savior, but a woman. I had my friends, but I still felt lost.

After I had dressed and brushed my hair out I headed down the stairs to the Main Hall, Josie hadn't stopped trying to make Skyhold a grand place and it seemed that every time I left and returned the castle was looking more and more what I suspected it looked like in its glory days.

I admired the stained glass windows, fashioned with the Trevelyan crest, I'm sure that was also Josie's doing. I would have to thank her for that, it reminded me of the small prayer room in my childhood home.

\----

I felt sick as I walked towards Cullen's door. The last time I had been here I had heard his suggestive conversation with Hawke. The memory of that still made my stomach churn, but I wouldn't be a coward. I would face him and I would be strong about it. I was about to knock when the door opened, a guard was leaving and he bowed his head respectfully when he saw me.

"My lady Herald, if you're looking for the Commander he is speaking with Lady Cassandra." He bowed again before hurrying away.

I sighed and debated on giving up and hiding in my rooms, but I knew if I didn't speak to him now then I would lose my nerve. So I sought out Cassandra.

They were in a heated debate, they didn't even realize I was standing in the doorway.

"You asked for my opinion and I've given it. Do you honestly expect it to change?"

Cassandra crossed her arms.

"I expect you to keep your word."

"You give yourself too little credit, Cullen." That was Hawke. She sat in a chair beside the fire.

"I am unfit for this position and you both know it, would you rather save face than to admit…" He suddenly noticed me standing there.

"Forgive me." He murmured before leaving.

Hawke stood and nodded at me before following after him. I was utterly confused and I looked to Cassandra who was staring after Cullen with an exasperated expression.

"And they say I'm stubborn, this is ridiculous." She said with an eye roll.

"What was that about?" I asked as I walked towards her.

So she told me, she told me of how Cullen had decided to stop taking lyrium. She and Hawke were the only ones he had confided in and he had made Cassandra promise to find him a replacement if the withdrawals became too much for him to handle. I was shocked that he had kept this from me, and also hurt that he had felt he could tell Hawke over me. My heart ached.

"Why didn't he tell me?" I asked, trying to hide the hurt in my voice.

"Honestly? I don't think he could bare to disappoint you. You should go to him, maybe he will listen to you." She looked at me with a meaningful look which I ignored and decided to seek him out again.

\----

He was back in his quarters, I listened at the door and heard his and Hawke's voice.

"I should be taking it." He said roughly.

I pushed open the door before she could reply just in time for his lyrium kit to fly towards my head. I dodged it just in time and the blue liquid crashed against the wall.

"Maker, Bretta, I apologize." He crossed the room and touched my shoulder to see if I was okay.

"It's fine, Cullen, really. Hawke? Could you give me a moment alone with the Commander?" My voice came out stronger than I felt. Hawke looked to Cullen for approval, which irked me, he nodded and she left us.

We were alone.

I looked at him and I noticed now the paleness of his skin, he looked like he'd lost a little bit of weight as well. I bent to begin cleaning up the mess he had made when he threw the box.

"Let me help." He said hurriedly.

We made quick work of the mess and when there was nothing else to do with my hands I found I didn't know what to say. He seemed to be in the same predicament. I took a deep breath and spoke.

"Why didn't you tell me you were quitting lyrium?" I didn't mean to sound betrayed, but I did.

Cullen rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, a nervous habit of his.

"You have enough on your plate without having my issues piled on top." He admitted.

"I always have time for you, Cullen, always." My voice was filled with meaning and I hoped he understood.

He blinked and then looked at his feet, another nervous habit. He didn't speak so I kept talking.

"I sought you out to apologize, for how I acted the other night. I was off my face, and I'm sorry you had to see me like that." The shame of that night flooded to my face.

"Don't apologize to me, surely if you want me to share my problems with you, you must know I want the same thing from you."

"Point taken." I said quietly.

We sat in another odd silence, I finally couldn't take it anymore.

"I think it's very brave, what you're doing." I blurted.

Cullen smiled, "Thank you, Bretta."

I returned his smile and I felt light and it made me brave.

"I owe you another apology, I owe you an apology for how I acted after Haven. It wasn't fair to you, and I didn't even offer you an explanation. I am truly sorry." I felt my voice catch as emotion threatened to take me.

Cullen walked over to his desk and sighed. "You nearly died, right before my eyes. I had never been so scared, and then you were so cold and closed off afterwards. I thought perhaps you blamed me… For not saving you, and then I thought you needed space, so I gave it to you."

"I never blamed you, never. I just… I thought it would be easier for us both if I cut things off before they got any more serious." I admitted.

"Easier?" He asked, slightly incredulous.

"Yes, the way I feel for you, it honestly scares the life out of me. I thought that I would let my feelings for you get in the way of what I had to do."

"So you just decided to shut me out? You didn't ever think you could talk to me about this? You just decided to take the weight of the world on your shoulders and never once thought that maybe I could help you?" His voice had risen and he was looking at me with a harsh expression.

"You're angry with me…"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"You can't just make those sort of decisions on your own, Bretta. You're not the only person affected. I have been agonizing for months over you walking away. You took my decision from me, you shut me out completely and didn't give me any reason. I care- I cared for you, I could have helped you." He was very angry, and my temper was starting to flare as well.

"Oh you've been agonizing for months, have you? You sounded very agonized the night Hawke was in your room doing maker knows what." My words were harsh and the jealousy seeped from me but I couldn't help it, my brain had lost control of my mouth.

"What in the maker are you on about?" He demanded.

"I heard you with her, Cullen! The first night she was here! I'm not an idiot. Forgive me if I find it hard to believe you've been tormented over me when you had the Champion of Kirkwall in your bed."

Cullen's eyes bulged, "You think that Hawke and I…?" He acted as if he couldn't even wrap his mind around it.

"I heard the way you spoke with each other, what else am I supposed to think?"

Cullen leaned over his desk and bowed his head, "Hawke and I are friends, nothing more, nothing less. She is an insufferable flirt and I humor her sometimes because she has been through a lot in the last ten years."

My mind processed the words and I furrowed my brow.

"So you two have never…"

"No, not even close."

I let out a breath and felt my cheeks flush in embarrassment.

"Varric is right, I'm dense."

Cullen was watching me now, the anger was gone from his face and suddenly he was just Cullen again. He walked around the desk and came to stand before me. He cupped my cheek and I leaned into his touch.

"My lovely, Bee. We have made quite a mess of things." He smiled at me and I returned it.

"I thought perhaps you didn't feel as strongly for me as I do for you, the Champion is so beautiful and sure of herself." I tried to look away from his piercing eyes but he wouldn't let me.

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes upon, and I lo-" he stopped himself and took a deep breath before continuing. "I love you." His voice was strong and didn't waver.

I sucked in a quick breath at his confession. I lifted my hand to touch his face as he touched mine, I stood on my toes and kissed his cheek just as I had the day we first met in the alleyway of Kirkwall.

"I love you, I think I loved you before I even knew your name." I admitted, and I felt as if nothing had ever felt more true in my whole life.

He leaned his forehead against mine and moved his hand from my cheek to run through my still damp hair.

"Don't disappear again." He said and I remembered him saying the same thing to me the night he stopped me from throwing myself from the stairs.

"I'm not going to, I promise." I meant it.

Then he kissed me, he held my face in both his hands now, like I was a precious thing that needed to be protected. I felt my heart beat wildly in my chest as he kissed me. All these months of being sad, and not letting myself be happy. I finally felt happy again. I deserved this, I deserved this happiness.

"Maker, I love you." He murmured as we pulled apart.

"Commander Cullen, the scout reports are here that you required-" the poor guard burst in the door and stopped walking when he noticed our embrace.

I hid my face in Cullen's shirt in embarrassment. I peeked up at him and saw him settle the guard with a fierce glare.

"Right, I'll just… Bring them to you later. Forgive me." He sputtered before fleeing.

I found myself laughing uncontrollably after he had left. Cullen frowned but he soon laughed with me.

"Always interruptions." He said as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

"But no distractions." I said happily.


	16. Chapter 16

Simon and I were walking through the Temple of Sacred Ashes. We were late for the peace talks and had no idea which of the many rooms it was even being held in. Simon thought the the whole situation hilarious and I glared at him over my shoulder as he chuckled. 

“This is your fault. If you would have gotten up the first THREE times I knocked on your door then we wouldn't be in this mess.” 

I was being unkind and I knew it. Sutton’s comment about us being an embarrassment to the family had bothered me. Simon however was completely unbothered and perhaps even smug. 

“Oh c’mon, Bumblebee. I said I was sorry.” His voice didn't have even an ounce of apology. I shot him another glare and walked faster, he sped up to catch up with me. 

“Let me tell you though, little sister. That redhead was well worth your ire. I will admit that.” He waggled his eyebrows and I tried to hide a smirk. 

When I had finally used my magic to open Simon’s door myself I had discovered him passed out with a naked woman draped over him. I had shrieked loudly and left the room with my cheeks flaming. My surprised sound had awoken my dear brother and I could hear his guffawing laughter all the way from down the hall. 

“You just wait until I tell mother.” I threatened. Simon was suddenly very serious. 

“You wouldn't dare.” He said with a scared voice. 

“Try. Me.” I countered with a smug smirk, proud that I had finally made his cockiness waver. 

“You are cruel. Maybe you and Sutton are more alike than I thought…” He trailed off and I gasped offended and pinched his side, he laughed and dodged my next attack. 

“Take it back!” I demanded through my laughter. 

“Only if you swear not to tell mother of my indiscretions!” He replied. 

I was about to respond but we both abruptly stopped our antics when we heard a woman cry out for help in a thick Orlesian accent. Simon and I both looked at each other in alarm and then followed the voice to a room at the end of a dark hallway. 

“What's going on in here?” I demanded when we entered the room. 

It was the Divine, and she was being held in some sort of magical bind. A… Creature stood before her nearly eight feet tall. I looked around and nearly buckled, Grey Wardens surrounded her and the creature, but they weren't defending the Divine, they were helping the creature. 

“Intruders! Slay them!” The creature said, and I noticed he held an orb in his hand. 

When she saw he was distracted, the Divine slapped the orb out of his hand. It rolled to the floor and I instinctively grabbed for it. 

“NO!” The creature bellowed and advanced on me, but he stopped when a blinding light filled the room. 

The orb was burning my hand but I couldn't let go of it. I turned to Simon whose face was frozen in a mask of horror. I screamed in pain as the orb scorched my skin and my brother stepped forward to help me as he shouted my name, but then there was darkness. 

I sat up and coughed. It was dark and unfamiliar around me. 

“Simon?” I croaked. 

“This way! Hurry!” I looked ahead and saw the Divine beckoning me. 

That's when I noticed the spiders, demons, crawling towards me. I gasped and got up despite the pain in my body and ran towards the Divine’s outstretched hand. She pulled me up the cliff and we began to run. It was becoming clear that I was in the Fade… physically. There was a portal ahead that I knew would take us back to the real world, we just had to get there before the creatures ripped us to shreds. Just as I was about to enter the portal the Divine made an alarmed sound. The things had a hold of her and they were pulling her away. I rushed forward to help her, I grabbed her hand and tried to get her out of their grasp. 

A sad look filled her eyes, “Go.” She whispered as the spiders dragged her away. 

I stumbled to follow her but when I turned behind me the portal was growing smaller. Torn between what to do I shouted loudly in frustration. I suddenly felt a warmth around me, pushing me towards the portal. 

“Go, Bumblebee…” Simon’s voice whispered to me, with a last cry of despair I jumped through the portal, and darkness took me. 

\----

I gasped as the final memory filled my mind and I turned to the… Spirit that had taken Divine Justinia’s face. 

“You… She died, to save me.” She looked down sadly. 

“I am sorry if I have disappointed you.” Then suddenly the spirit didn't look like the Divine at all, but a glowing form with her voice. 

“And, Simon…” I whispered brokenly. 

“Your brother loved you more than anyone else in the world, child. He would want you to let go of this guilt you carry. The only person to blame is Corypheus. Come now, let us finish this.” 

Then she led us to face the demon. 

\----

I had been back at Skyhold for a week and I hadn't left my room once. I had told everyone I needed to be alone, even Cullen… 

The only person I had spoken to was Leliana and that was to give her the report of what had happened. She had also been curious about the Divine, of course, Leliana mourned her death deeply. I had relayed her final message to the Spymaster and she left my chamber with a contemplative look on her face. 

I laid on my bed and looked at the ceiling. The Champion was dead, she sacrificed herself to save us all. I couldn't even look at Varric the entire way back to Skyhold and he hadn't tried to speak to me either. Simon’s voice still haunted my mind every time I closed my eyes, and now he was accompanied by Hawke. 

It seemed that the demons in the fade were keen on showing me the faces of all those that had been lost. Sometimes they liked to wear the faces of those that I hadn't yet lost. Cullen most often, but they also took mother’s shape, and father’s. 

My thoughts drifted to mother and my stomach clenched. So many letters were piled upon my desk from her. I hadn't had the courage to read them. I had sent a missive to her and father when they made me Inquisitor and that was the most contact I had made. A feeling of homesickness came over me. I longed to feel the warmth of my childhood home. 

I sat up in my bed as my mind started turning. We still had nearly two months before we had to attend the ball at the Winter Palace. My eyes drifted forlornly to my wardrobe where the gown Josie had made for me hung. It was a long lavish thing. Made with deep blue silks and velvet. It was beautiful, but I hadn't worn such a thing in a very long time. I needed to get away. 

It was late, and if I road quickly I could get to a ship in two days time. Then it would be another week at sea, but faster if I paid more. I needed to get away from everything, to clear my head. I had already made my mind up. I began packing everything I might need. I pulled on my leathers and laced up my boots. I wrote a note on my desk to Leliana, telling her I would be at my childhood home for a few weeks. I instructed to defer to Cullen and her own judgment on Inquisition matters. 

As I left my room I touched the arm of the guard on duty outside my chambers. He jumped at my contact and I forgot how quiet I could be if I needed. I handed him the note and told him to wait to give it to my Spymaster once the sun rose. I thought briefly of going to Cullen, but he would surely be asleep, and I knew that was something that didn't come easy to him with the lyrium withdrawals. 

I would write him when I arrived. Cullen hadn't seen his family in years, and I knew that pained him, even if he wouldn't say. He would understand. 

I got to the stables and crept up the ladder to the hay loft. Blackwall was in a small cot by the wall, snoring very loudly. 

“Blackwall.” I whispered and nudged him slightly. 

He only snored louder. 

“Blackwall!” I shouted and he sat up quickly with his fists raised. 

“My lady!” He said in alarm and was at his feet promptly. 

“Easy!” I chuckled as he swayed slightly in his haste. 

“Is there trouble? Are you injured?” He grabbed my arms and looked over my person but then righted himself and cleared his throat awkwardly. 

“No there is no trouble, I do however require your assistance, if you don't mind.”

“I swore my fealty to you, Bee, my sword arm is always there for you.” He held his hand over his heart and I touched his arm with a smile. 

“I require the company of a friend, Blackwall.” I said softly. 

I told him of my plan and my need to be away. He didn't try to stop me, he didn't tell me I was being irresponsible, leaving in the night. He simply nodded his head and packed his things. Then we readied our horses and we left into the night. 

\----

We made it to Ostwick in exactly a week. I noted smugly to myself that that must be some sort of record. The ship captain had been very obliging when I offered him a fat coin purse. We sat upon a hill and gazed down at the fine estate that lay in the valley. 

Blackwall let out a low whistle. 

“It must have been grand growing up in a place such as this.” He said. 

“I wouldn't know.” I replied with a sad smile before kicking my horse forward. 

The guard at the door asked our names and this time I gave him my true one. These were odd times indeed, it was no longer the Templars I feared. He bowed to me and muttered out an apology before leading us through the house. 

My heart was hurting me it was beating so hard. My mind just now thought that perhaps mother wanted nothing to do with me. I still hadn't read her letters. For all I knew she had disowned me. 

“Bretta!” A shout came bringing my thoughts to a halt. 

I looked up and mother stood on a balcony above the entry way. She held her hand to her mouth and a sob left her before she began rushing down the stairs. 

I hadn't realized, but tears were forming in my eyes and once mother’s arms were around me they flowed freely. I sobbed into my mother’s shoulder. I sobbed for my brother. I sobbed for the loss that I had seen. She held me as I cried and we crumpled to the floor, me curled in her arms like a child. 

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, mother, I'm so sorry.” I hiccuped into her neck. She stroked my hair softly and kissed my temple. 

“Hush, my darling, everything is alright. I have you.” Her voice was warm and soothing and I felt the ache of all the tension leaving me as she held me.

\----

After I pulled myself together. I stood slowly and looked to Blackwall who was standing behind us with a helpless look on his face. I felt embarrassed that he had once again seen me in such an emotional state. 

“I apologize, Blackwall.” I said quietly. 

He smiled at me and shook his head. 

“No apology is needed, Bee.” I wondered what I had ever done to deserve a friend such as Blackwall. 

“Mother, I would like to introduce you to my dearest of friends, Warden Blackwall.” I waved my hand towards the man who bowed his head respectively. 

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Lady Trevelyan.” He said. 

Mother dismissed his formalities with a wave of her hand and instead hugged him tightly. I nearly laughed at the stiff expression on my friend's face but I covered it with a cough and a shrug when he looked to me for help. 

“You two must be starved, I will let chef know that we will have dinner early tonight… Louisa will show you to your rooms.” She turned to me again and grabbed my face with her hand. 

“My heart is at peace, finally.” She kissed my cheek and shooed us away with the maid that appeared beside us. 

I looked over my shoulder at her as I followed beside Blackwall, mother smiled at me and her eyes were watery. 

I love you, she mouthed to me.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemon ahead! Just a warning.

I opened my eyes and sighed happily. I felt rested for the first time in months. Being at my childhood home and letting the worries be gone for a bit was like medicine to me. I could feel myself smiling more. I felt so at ease. We had been here a week and I could tell it had been just what I needed. I had written a letter to Cullen which had gone unanswered so far. I hoped he would be understanding. We had just gotten to a point where things were not tense between us, I didn't want to take steps backwards. 

Father had hugged me tightly when he saw me, and I thought he might have even wiped a tear away. Seeing things so badly in Kirkwall had softened him and my heart hurt. I was surprised to find that he and Blackwall hit it off immensely well. I had found them often over the last few days huddled over history books debating them. It was nice to see Blackwall so untroubled. The sadness that seemed to always linger on his face had lessened.

I spent my days with mother in the gardens. We took long walks and talked about the Inquisition. We ignored the silent presence in the room in the shape of Simon. We were both so happy to see each other again, and with times such as these who knew if these were the last moments we would share. I also told her of Cullen, a subject of which she showed much interest. 

“Is he handsome?” She said with a sly smile as we walked through the back garden. 

“Yes, very, but it's not even that. He is so kind, mother, his heart is so full of love for the people he leads. They all respect him so much.” I blushed when I realized I had been gushing and mother touched my arm affectionately. 

“Do you love him?” She asked bluntly. 

“Yes I do, very much.” I said with a sigh as I smelled a daisy. 

“And what of Blackwall?” She asked, again very bluntly. 

“What do you mean?” I asked distantly, not looking her in the eye. 

I knew Blackwall loved me. I loved him too, very much so, but not in the same way. He was my best friend. I felt completely at ease in his presence. I valued his counsel above many others. 

“Don't play coy with me young lady, he cares for you, very deeply.” 

“I know.” I said with a sigh. 

“What does your Cullen think of you traveling to another country with a man that's in love with you?” She said with a raised eyebrow. 

“Mother, Cullen isn't like that. He trusts me, and besides, I don't even think he knows of Blackwall’s feelings. I wouldn't have known it had I not got to know him so well.” 

Mother shrugged a shoulder and pulled a rose from a bush to place it in the basket she had been carrying. 

“I just want you to be careful, darling. Jealousy is not a flattering color on anyone, but it's one we all wear at some point or another. I don't want you to be hurt.” 

She smiled at me and kissed my cheek before strolling on. I stared after her and chewed on my lip. What if Cullen was angry? I hadn't thought of how it might look to him that I brought Blackwall. I had needed to leave and Blackwall was my dearest friend, I had just thought to bring him first. 

I wandered into the house with a worried frown. Perhaps mother’s concern was misplaced and everything would be well. 

'He said he wanted you to confide in him though'… A traitorous voice whispered to me. 

I stopped walking and chewed on my thumb nail. I hated that I was so insecure when it came to Cullen. I loved him more than I had ever loved anything and the thought of losing him made me feel weak. 

I sighed and continued to walk to my room. Mother had redecorated it when I had arrived after the fall of the circles. It was a happy place to me. Full of bright colors and flower patterns, the east wall was made entirely of windows and a door opened up onto a balcony. It reminded me a lot of my room at Skyhold, but I hadn't really decorated much there. Interior design was more Josie’s thing than mine. Perhaps I could get her to add a few touches from my childhood bedroom.

I stepped out onto my balcony where my easel was set up. It had been months since I painted anything and my fingers twitched to make something again. So I sat down with an empty canvas and I painted, not really knowing what the picture would become when I started. I let my hands move upon their free will. It was such a euphoria to lose yourself in a painting. 

It took me a moment before I realized I was painting Sylvia, and then Simon, and Hawke, all of them staring at me from the canvas. Their eyes weren't full of blame like my dreams however, they just reflected their souls. Sylvia and her soft voice and fragile heart, Simon and his fierce protection and laughter, Hawke with her proud brow arched. I carried all of them with me, as well as all the others that had been lost since this madness began. I stopped painting and wiped sweat from my brow. 

Three pairs of eyes looking at me from this canvas, and all of Thedas looked at me for protection, in hatred, as holy. There were so many versions of me to them, I didn't even know who the real one was. Was I the Inquisitor or Bretta Trevelyan? Was I the savior of the world or the woman whom Cullen loved? Could one person possibly be all of them?

\----

After two weeks I bid mother a tearful goodbye with a promise to return her letters. The visit had lifted my spirits, but every step we took away from the estate I felt the heaviness coming back to me. 

“Don't be so troubled, Bee.” Blackwall said as he trotted his horse beside mine. 

“It is hard for one to not be troubled in times such as these, my friend.” I said with a sigh. 

“Aye, this is true, but you know what I think of when I feel my mind becoming troubled?” He said conversationally. 

“Hmmm?” I said distantly, my brow still furrowed in stress. 

“Chocolate cake.” He said bluntly, without humor. 

I turned to him and bit my lip to keep from laughing. His face was completely serious as he rode. I couldn't help it and I let a small giggle escape me at the randomness of his answer. 

“Chocolate cake?” I said with another laugh. 

He glanced at me sideways and smiled with a nod of his head. 

“And that makes you less troubled?” I asked in disbelief. 

“I love chocolate cake more than anything in the world. My mother used to bake the best cakes, she would sell them at market stalls, everyone loved her cakes.” He had a wistful smile on his face. 

“That's very lovely, my friend. I’m still failing to see the big picture here.”

“When I think of chocolate cake, I think of a happy time. Being a sneaky child and stealing pieces when mother wasn't looking, her trying to be mad but laughing at me. I can escape everything for just a moment.”

I pondered his words, and I understood where he was coming from. 

“You have the weight of the world on you, Bee. Despite how different you wish things were, we can't change the predicament you've landed in the middle of. You can either carry it, let your family, your friends, your chocolate cake help you, or you can let it crush you.” He shrugged a shoulder and urged his horse forward, leaving me alone with my thoughts. 

\----

When we returned to Skyhold I offered my horse to the stablehand and made my way to the castle. Leliana met me in the grand hallway. 

“Can we speak, in private?” She said in a low voice with a stern look. 

I sighed, I was in trouble. I nodded at her and motioned for her to lead the way. She rushed ahead of me and into the War Room where Josephine stood waiting on us. Once the doors were closed Leliana turned on me with an angry expression. 

“Absolutely irresponsible!” She shouted and began to pace. 

“‘Defer to Cullen and your own judgment in my absence’ you wrote!” She shouted throwing her hands in the air. 

I opened my mouth to speak but she interrupted me. 

“No! I don't want to hear it! It was madness! You can't just leave whenever you feel like it. We have three weeks to prepare for the Winter Palace and get you ready for the Orlesian Court and you just up and go on a holiday! What do you have to say for yourself?” She stopped pacing and glared at me. 

“I'm… Sorry?” I said like a child caught with his hand in a cookie jar. 

“Sorry! Do you hear that Josie? She's sorry!” She turned to my ambassador then back to me with a glare. 

“Leli… I just needed a break, I needed it. I feel so much better, I'm so sorry I just left, it won't ever happen again.” I said with apologetic eyes. 

She stared at me for a moment and then sighed. 

“Just… Give me at least two days notice before you disappear again.” She said in a quiet voice now.

“You have my word.” I said with my hand over my heart. 

“How was your family, your grace?” Josie piped in. 

I smiled at her, “Very well, seeing them has lifted my spirits immensely.”

“I'm assuming you're going to go to the barracks now instead of listening to reports?” Leliana said with her arms crossed. 

I bit my lip, “Tomorrow? I'll be at your full disposal. I'll even let you fit me for the gown.”

Leliana raised her eyebrows in surprise and then glanced at Josie over her shoulder. 

“Will you jot that down, Josie? I want it in writing.” 

“I did, and it's now been stamped with the Inquisition seal, no take backs.” She blew on the paper to dry the wax. 

“That's just a little dramatic don't you two think?” I said with a mock glare. 

“No, Bee, getting you to try on a dress is dramatic, what was the excuse you used last time? 'Oh no, Leli, I can't I've got a case of the anti silks fever.'” She mocked my voice and arched a brow at me. 

“I'm leaving you cruel creatures alone now.” I said as I stuck my tongue out at them. 

Their giggles followed me out of the room. 

\----

When I got to the guard tower, Cullen was having some sort of meeting. I slipped into the shadows so not to disturb them and watched him as he spoke to the men and women. They all watched him with rapt attention and it was a sight to behold. They respected him deeply, they saw before them a man that had seen the evils of the world, battled them first hand, and he always emerged with that stern leadership that was still kind. It was hard for me to imagine anyone else being the commander of this Inquisition. 

He met my eyes suddenly and I smiled softly. He didn't return it and my stomach clenched. He looked away and sighed before looking to the soldiers. 

“Dismissed.” He said and they all shuffled from the room. 

I moved to the side as they all exited and then shut the door and locked it when the last soldier left. I turned to look at him but he wasn't facing me, he had his hands behind his back looking out the window. I could slightly see his reflection in the glass and he looked as if he were trying to gather words. 

“Cullen I-” I started but he interrupted me. 

“My sister used to tell me a story when I was younger, do you care to hear it?” He turned to look at me, his expression was unreadable. 

He didn't give me time to answer before he was speaking again. 

“It was about a boy and a dove. The dove was injured when he found it, and he nursed it back to health while keeping it in a cage at his home. The dove sang for him and he loved the sound, but then one day the bird stopped singing, and when he would open the cage to feed her she would try to fly away. Terrified of losing his song bird he would catch her quickly and place her back in the cage. She became ill and he watched the life leave her, and then one day when he went to her cage she had died.” He stopped speaking and looked into my eyes. 

“I love you, Bretta, more than I thought would ever be possible for me. I will not keep you caged however, I will not force you to stay when you do not want to.” He spoke evenly and with absolution. 

I rushed forward but stopped myself, suddenly unsure. 

“You don't have to make me stay, Cullen, I want to be with you.” I tried to get him to look at me but he wouldn't meet my eyes. 

“Why is it that you will confide in everyone but me? Have I somehow made you feel as if you can't trust me?” He met my eyes finally and his were sad and angry. 

“No!” I rushed around the desk to touch his face. “I trust you more than anyone.” 

He stepped away from me. 

“You took him with you.” He spat the words and that emotion mother had spoke of crept into his voice. Jealousy. 

“You're speaking of Blackwall.” I stated. 

“Yes.”

“He's a friend.”

“Does he know that?” He said with an incredulous voice. 

“Cullen…” I began.

“I am no fool, Bretta!” He shouted and I flinched at the volume. 

“I am a man and I know when a man looks at a woman and sees more than a friend. I have ignored it, because honestly, how can I blame him? You're beautiful and strong and so bloody talented I nearly want to hate you for it.” He chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “How can I hate him for loving you? I can't.” He turned away from me again. 

“I can't ignore it though, if you feel you can go to him and not me, if you want to be…” He stopped and took a deep breath. “If you love him, I will not stand in your way. I only want to see you happy, Bretta, even if it's not with me.” 

I stepped forward slowly and touched his back. He was tense and his hands clenched at his sides. I stood on my tip toes and kissed the back of his neck. I nuzzled my face in his skin and felt him relax. 

“Cullen, you are and always have been the one thing I have allowed myself to want. I love you, so much it scares me. I'm so sorry if I've made you question that. I am so so sorry.” My voice caught and he turned around to hold my face in his hands. 

“I love you.” He said and kissed me. I returned it in earnest. 

We clung to each other tightly and I tried to pour everything into him. I needed him to know how I loved him. If I couldn't tell him properly then I would show him. I pulled away suddenly and looked at him. 

“Come with me.” I whispered and grabbed his hand. 

I led him towards the ladder that led to his sleeping quarters. We climbed the ladder slowly and once we were up there I kissed him softly again before pulling away. 

I kept eye contact with him as I pulled my tunic over my head. My hair fell out of the sloppy bun as I pulled the shirt off and it flowed down my back in waves. His eyes darkened as he watched me take off my breeches, he looked… Hungry. I slipped my smalls off with my breeches and then reached behind my back to undo my breastband. It fell to the floor with a soft thunk and suddenly I was before him completely. I wanted to feel shy, but the way his eyes raked up and down my body made my stomach clench in an unfamiliar way and I felt hungry as well. 

He didn't say a word, he just undid his cloak and the straps of his armor. He pulled the long shirt over his head and then his pants. I watched him now and I was again amazed at how beautiful he was. He stepped towards me slowly as if I was a halla that would spook. 

“Are you sure?” He said in a low sexual voice. 

I was too nervous to speak so I only nodded and then he kissed me. This was different than any kiss we had ever shared. This was Cullen claiming me as his, and I was more than happy to let him. He ran his hands down my back and touched my bottom softly at first and then he grabbed it. A moan left my mouth involuntary and I gasped for air as he kissed down my neck. 

Suddenly he had lifted me off the ground and into his arms and carried me towards the bed. He laid me down softly and then looked at me again. I thought I must have looked mad, my hair wild around me and my breasts heaving from the kissing. 

“You're so insanely beautiful.” He said quietly as he crawled over me. 

He kissed me again and I felt his hand traveled over my neck, he caressed my breast softly and continued the journey down my stomach until he was at my most intimate place. My breath hitched as he touched me and I arched off the bed as the unfamiliar pleasure flowed through me. He moved his fingers within me and I felt a pressure begin to build as he touched me. I clung to him tightly as my release came. I fell back onto the pillows and tried to catch my breath. 

“I love you.” He said looking into my eyes. I felt him pressing at my entrance and I nodded to give him permission once again. 

With one deep thrust he was fully inside of me and I cried out at the pain. He touched my face softly and I clenched my eyes shut as my body tried to adjust to the intrusion. It hurt like hell and I honestly thought I might cry. I breathed unevenly and Cullen remained still as he touched my face. 

“Shh, I'm sorry.” He said as he kissed my forehead. 

It was probably only minutes but it felt like it took much longer for the pain to subside. Once my breathing evened out Cullen began moving and I winced as he pushed back in and another small pain shot through me. It was an odd thing, the pleasure and the pain being mixed together. Cullen started to moan as he picked up pace and the sounds made the pressure begin to build in me again. He fisted his hand in my hair at the nape of my neck and pulled my head aside to suck at my neck. I knew there would be a mark there tomorrow, but I didn't care, I wanted him to take me and claim me. I wanted him to know that he owned me, body and soul. I moaned as his thrusts became harder, I wasn't even focused on the pain anymore, I just knew I didn't want him to stop. He sat up slightly and changed angles and I suddenly fell apart at the sensation of it all. He groaned my name as he thrusted into me hard and then he stopped. I felt warmth fill me and Cullen rested his head on my chest. We were both covered in sweat and breathing heavily. I ran my hands through his hair and kissed the top of his head. 

He moved to the side and pulled me into him. I looked up into his eyes and he was staring at me in that way that always made me feel weak. 

“I could tell you a thousand times and I still wouldn't be able to express to you the extent of my love.” He said softly and I smiled. 

“We will have our whole lives for you to tell me.” I said as I snuggled into him, suddenly very tired. I didn't want to think of the bad at this moment. 

The moment had been perfect, and as I fell asleep in his arms I found that for the first time in months, Simon’s shouting voice didn't greet me first thing as I entered the Fade; but instead Cullen’s laughter.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another lemon, and also some Cullen point of view for your reading pleasure. :)

-CPOV-

I watched her as she moved throughout the room. I was so aware of every move she made that it was almost pathetic. She looked beautiful, and I had told her as much. She had responded with a small smile and the blush I loved so much had flooded to her cheeks. The dress Josie had put together was not over the top like some of the ladies here. It was a deep blue and it complimented her eyes wonderfully. She had her hair pulled up in an intricate design with tendrils of hair framing her face. My finger itched to touch them. She wore a sash of the Inquisition over the ensemble, looking every bit as royal as the empress herself. 

I worried for her. She had a big task to accomplish tonight and I couldn't stand by her side. Once again I had to stand idle as she threw herself in harm's way, all for the sake of the Inquisition. I felt my jaw clench and I downed the rest of my drink quickly. I detested things like this. 

My eyes followed Bretta as she moved lithely through the people. Many wanted to speak to her. They were enamored with this beautiful woman, this Inquisitor. Men and women both watched her with lustful stares and I longed to march over to her and claim her mouth with my own. Just so they would know whose bed she would be in tonight. 

“Why so serious, Commander Cullen?” An Orlesian woman whose name I had already forgotten spoke to me. 

“My apologies, my lady, I am very distracted with battle plans.” I tried to make my voice polite but it came out clipped, she didn't seem to notice. 

She giggled and fanned herself. “Perhaps you need a distraction from your distractions, mon cher.” 

I didn't answer her as I had lost sight of Bretta. She must have made a move to investigate the palace further. I felt myself tense, not knowing where she was put me on edge. I couldn't protect her if I couldn't see her. 

“Excuse me, madam.” I said rudely and made my way through the people to find Josie. 

When I saw her I tried to look calm as I approached her but I was on full alert. 

“Easy Cullen, you are scaring the other guests.” Josie said nervously, always the diplomat. 

“Where is she?” I said in a low tone and nodded at a guard as he passed us. The Orlesian military armor was somewhat ridiculous, and very impractical. 

“She has gone to the Grand Library.” She said, her smile not wavering as he nodded towards a group of ladies. 

“Has she taken anyone with her?”

“Bull is with her.” She said but his time with an understanding voice. 

I relaxed a bit, Bull would never let anything happen to her, not without a fight. I settled back against the banister and felt the tension lesson slightly. 

“The Inquisitor is quite the success tonight. Would you know that I have already had two lords approach me and ask of her marital state.” I made a face. 

They saw her as some sort of possession they could add to their hoard. A pretty little trinket to show off to their friends, bloody nobles and their ‘game’. I grimaced at the thought. 

Josie giggled beside me and I looked at her in question. 

“My dear commander, you wear your every expression on your face. You would be awful at the Game.” She laughed again. 

“I am going to take that as a compliment.” I said as I grabbed another drink from a passing waiter’s tray, downing it in one gulp. 

“She will be fine, Cullen, this is not her first dance with danger.” She wasn't diplomat Josie at that moment. She was just Josie. 

I sat the empty glass on the railing I was standing beside and rubbed the back of my neck. 

“I know what she's capable of, it just kills me to keep sending her into these situations.” I knew she had to do this, for the sake of everyone else she had to continue sacrificing herself, and it killed me. 

Josie touched my shoulder empathetically. “You look pale, are you feeling alright?” Her eyes held a lot of meaning and I turned away from her. 

The withdrawals made my emotions even more intense. Today was not a bad day by any means, I didn't wake up in pain that made me want to scream, only a slight headache, but the itch was still there in the back of my mind. It was always easier to deal with when Bretta was near me. Just her presence silenced my demons. 

“I am fine.” I said quietly and I suppose she heard the tone in my voice that said I didn't wish to speak of it. 

“We must keep up appearances until she returns with news, don't drink too much, we need you alert.” She said sternly before walking away from me. 

I wanted to tell her that if I couldn't at least drink that there was no way I would make it through this evening, but I didn't. I simply grimaced and went back to fighting off outlandish proposals from the court ladies. 

\----

Some time later I watched as Bretta entered the ballroom once again. Her hair looked slightly out of place and she had an upset expression on her face. I made my way to her as quickly as possible without causing a stir and when I was in front of her I took stock for any injuries, I was pleased when I found none. I touched her face softly and then remembered the eyes watching us and dropped my hand. 

“Are you alright?” I asked looking in her eyes. 

“I think the Venatori are here.” She said nervously, looking from side to side to see if anyone heard her. 

I closed my eyes and sighed, of course they were here. I touched her arm and linked it through my own to escort her to Leliana so that we could exchange information. 

“My lady Herald, it would please me greatly to dance with you.” A lord stepped in front of us. I opened my mouth to respond but she spoke before me. 

“Of course Lord Requiem, I would be delighted.” She flashed him a stunning smile and I watched as he was dazzled by her. She had no idea the effect she had on people. 

She pulled away from me and looked at me apologetically over her shoulder, she was playing the Game, and it pained me to watch her in the arms of another. He led her to the floor and when the music started they danced. I remembered then that Bretta was born into a life like this. She danced with the precision of a lady and the floor cleared for her. Had she not been born with magic, this would be her crowd, this would be her place. I wondered again why in the world she had chosen me to bestow the gift of her love. I was forever puzzled by her. 

Grand Duchess Florriane suddenly cut in on their dance and she began twirling Bretta around the room. Her blue dress fluttered around her and if I wasn't so untrusting of the woman she was with I would be mesmerized at the grace she possessed. 

They were speaking heatedly as they danced, I could tell by the look on Bretta’s face. I wondered what the lady was playing at. Bretta kissed her hand when the danced stopped and Grand Duchess Florriane curtsied deeply. Bretta hurried from the floor and the whispers that followed her were ones of awe, she had completely won them over. 

\----

I stood beside Bretta as they dragged the Grand Duchess away. Empress Celene gave a speech thanking the Inquisition and promising a new future for Orlais. I touched Bretta’s back and I could feel the tension rolling from her. She had astounded me once again. She had exposed the Duchess’s plot and saved Celene without further bloodshed. I truly wondered if there was anything she couldn't do. She turned to me and smiled. The noble’s surrounded her offering thanks and congratulations. I stepped away and watched them as they were awed by her. I was just happy she was alive. She had done it again. 

When she finally pulled herself away and walked onto the balcony I followed her. I walked up behind her and wrapped my arms around her. She sighed happily and leaned into me. 

“I was worried for you tonight.” I murmured into her hair, taking in the scent of flowers she always seemed to be accompanied by. 

“Why?” She said with a laugh, pulled away to stand beside me but not letting go of my hand. 

“I'm always worried for you.” I shrugged a shoulder. 

“I think I should be the one worried, how many ladies touched your bum tonight, commander?” She wore a mischievous smirk and I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to me. 

“More than I should like to count.” I said as I nuzzled my nose against hers. 

“Will you dance with me?” I asked her. 

She looked at me, perplexed. “I thought you said you hated dancing.” 

“For you, my love, I will make an exception.” I pulled her with me from the railing and took her in my arms and began swaying her softly to the the music that flooded out from the ballroom. 

She rested her head on my chest and I kissed her forehead as I spun us around.

“Chocolate cake.” She said suddenly. 

I pulled away to look at her and she had a dreamy smile on her face. “What?” I said with a laugh. 

“This, being here with you, dancing. This is my chocolate cake, this is the moment I will always come back to when things are hard. I will come back to being in this dress that I hate, and you smiling at me like that. I am invincible in this moment.” I had no idea what in the Maker she was talking about but before I could ask she kissed me. 

I stopped our dancing to hold her face in my hands and deepened the kiss. I felt the hunger for her growing within me, it was always there, I had never craved a woman like this before I met her. She was so shy and hesitant when we first started this journey and I had not wanted to push her. Still, she had not known what one touch from her had done to me, and ever since the night in the guard tower I hadn't been able to keep my hands off of her. I had her naked in my bed or her's as often as I could. 

“Seeing all those men look at you the way they did tonight has drove me mad.” I said as I broke the kiss. 

“Let them look, you're the only man I want.” She whispered against my lips and I growled before kissing her again. 

I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her tightly to me. She broke away with a gasp and I began kissing her down her neck. I wanted her badly and I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled away from her and grabbed her hand and began pulling her behind me. 

“Cullen where are we going?” She said with a breathy giggle. 

“Somewhere where I can relieve you of that corset, my lady Herald.” I heard her breath hitch at the seriousness in my voice. 

\----

I pulled her into the corridor and shut the door behind us. She began to protest but I covered her mouth with my own. She returned my kisses and wrapped her arms around my neck. Her breasts were straining against the front of the dress and I could feel them pressing into my chest. 

I spun her around and she squealed as I reached down to lift up the flowing silk skirts. 

“Cullen what if someone walks in?” She hissed. 

I pushed her forward so she had to brace herself against the wall and ignored her question because honestly I didn't care if any of them walked in. Let them see, let them see that she was mine. I was a man possessed. She gasped as the air hit her bare bum and I ran my hand over it and groaned. She was so fucking perfect. 

I reached down and undid the buttons on my trousers and pulled myself from them. I lined up with her entrance and thrusted into her roughly. She cried out at the contact and I growled. I grabbed the back of her hair, not caring if I messed up the intricate style Josie had requested the servants fix it in. I thrusted into her roughly, taking the tension I held in all night out on her body. She moaned at every thrust and this only encouraged me more. 

“Cullen.” She moaned quietly and the sound of my name on her lips spurred me on even further. 

I leaned forward so my mouth was beside her ear and took her earlobe between my teeth. 

“I love you.” I whispered to her. 

She was gasping now and I knew she was getting close to her release. I thrusted harder and she moaned deeply and loudly. She reached back and grabbed the back of my neck as she shuddered around me and I followed soon after her, releasing inside of her. 

We were breathing heavily and I was slightly embarrassed at the animalistic way I had claimed her; but I didn't regret it. Not one bit. 

I pulled my trousers back up and she stood up straight to smooth her dress down. It was unmistakably wrinkled and I smirked as she tried to smooth the wrinkles away. She glared at me but she was smiling. 

“You bad man, Josie is going to kill you!” She said with a laugh. 

I chuckled and pulled her towards me. 

“Worth it.” I said and tucked her hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead.


	19. Chapter 19

It had been two months since the attempted assassination at the Winter Palace. Things had been… Quiet. Morrigan had arrived with her things about a week after the ordeal. I found that I really liked the ‘Witch of the Wilds’ as the men had taken to calling her. Cullen was of course uneasy about her, and she and Leliana held much history. Leliana was a hard one to open up, but I knew they had both traveled with the Hero of Ferelden, and I knew Leliana held some sort of anger towards Morrigan. I didn't pry on the history there, but I found myself in the garden speaking to the raven haired woman often. She had interesting views of the world and while I thought there was a bitter tone to a lot of her opinions, I didn't necessarily disagree with them. 

“Your man… The commander.” She said one day as we picked herbs in the garden. 

“Yes?” I said absentmindedly. 

“He was a Templar once, I remember him from the Circle in Ferelden.” She said matter of factly. 

“He was.” I agreed. 

“He loves you.” She said again matter of factly. 

I smiled as I smelled a flower. “He does.” I said happily. 

“A mage and a Templar in love, I must say I have seen it all.” She said with a sniff. 

“He caught me doing magic in Kirkwall, right after the Chantry explosion. That's how we met.” I said as I continued picking herbs. 

“He let you go?” She said with disbelief in her voice. 

“He did.” I said with a light laugh at the memory. That seemed so long ago now. 

“You inspire the best in people I think, herald.” She said. 

“Please call me, Bretta, Morrigan.” I had asked her a million times, she never relented. 

“I hope you survive this.” She said, suddenly very serious. I looked up at her and she was staring at me intently. I had come to think of her as a friend and another advisor. I reached over and touched her hand lightly. 

“Don't fret, my friend, Corypheus hasn't made a move in a while, we have plenty of time to prepare.” I tried to remain light when talk like this happened. I didn't like to think of it. 

Morrigan moved her hand away from mine and looked down at her lap with a troubled expression. 

“Solona… The Hero of Ferelden… She was my friend. I loved her, and I tried to save her. We were not on good terms when she died, and that has haunted me. She was just so… Stubborn.” Her jaw clenched and she stopped herself. 

Her eyes met mine suddenly and she smiled, a rare thing for Morrigan. “You remind me of her.” She with a tilt of her head. “I was never able to tell her how much I respected her and loved her. So I shall tell you now, I care for you, you are my friend; and I hope, for the sake of all of us, that you survive this.”

\----

I was walking from my room one day when a twinge in my stomach caused me to pause. I braced myself against the wall and breathed deeply. It had happened a few times over the last few weeks and it was the oddest sensation, I suddenly felt very ill. I rushed to the nearest thing, which happened to be an elaborate Orlesian vase, and emptied my stomach. The people in the main hall had stopped to stare at me in worry. 

“My lady, are you alright?” A guard asked. 

I wiped my mouth and waved him off. “I am fine, thank you.” 

“Bretta, you are ill, come with me.” It was Solas, he stood watching me with a serious expression. I followed him to his quarters and sat on the lounge, suddenly light headed. 

“I'm okay, Solas, I've been having these spells for a month or so, I just need to rest.” I said as I took deep breaths trying to ease my vertigo. 

Solas knelt beside me and placed his hand on my belly, I moved slightly in surprise and opened my mouth to ask him what he was doing, I felt magic flowing from his hands into my abdomen. Before I could speak he cursed under his breath in Elvish and stood. 

“When was your last cycle, Bretta?” He said very serious. 

I felt embarrassed but then when I thought about it, I couldn't remember. I had never been regular, which Angelica told me wasn't completely uncommon for mages, the magic flowing through us threw things off. 

“I don't know.” I said and suddenly things seemed very clear to me, I rested my hand on my stomach and swallowed. 

“Solas…?” I said, my voice was terrified. 

He looked at me with sorrow and I held my hand to my mouth and began to cry. I was scared, this couldn't be happening. This was not something that could happen right now. 

“You must tell the Commander.” He said and I looked at him sharply. 

“Solas, what am I supposed to do?” I said through my tears. 

He came and sat beside me, “I have a potion I can make that will…” He looked away and I understood what he meant. I stood suddenly. 

“I have to clear my head.” I said and left. 

I made my way to the stables where Blackwall was working on some sort of wooden toy. He stopped his work once he saw me and looked embarrassed. 

“The kids here don't have a lot of proper toys, I thought it would… Ah.” He said and threw the hammer down. I would have laughed any other day, but he had said kids and my stomach dropped. 

“Blackwall, can I tell you something?” I said as I walked farther into the stable and sat down on a wooden bench. He joined me. 

“You can always talk to me, Bee, I've told you that.” 

“Something has come up, and I'm not sure what to do.” I said and my voice caught. 

“What's happened?”

I ran my hand down to my stomach. “It seems that I am with child.” I said, trying to keep my voice even. He didn't say anything and when I looked up at him his eyes were wide. 

“Maker, Bee, you can't fight, not when you're…” He trailed off and looked at my stomach. 

“What does the commander think?” He asked suddenly. 

“I haven't had the chance to tell him, I know what he will say. He will want me to keep it, he’ll demand I stay out of battle, we all know that's something that I can't do.” 

“What's the alternative?” He asked quietly. 

“Solas said there's a potion…” I could hardly get the words out. They made me want to vomit. 

“I see.” He said. 

“What do I do?” I croaked. 

“You have to follow your heart on this one, Bee, and you have to talk to the Commander, he deserves to know.” I looked away because I knew he was right, I hated it when he was right. 

“You must think I'm very stupid.” I said quietly. 

“Never.” He said with a sad smile. He touched my chin with his knuckle and stood to begin work on the wooden horse again. 

\----

“What do you mean he's gone?” I said to the man standing in the stables. 

He didn't respond, just handed me a note that was written in Blackwall’s hand. I had to sit down as I read it. It was a confession letter. It told of his betrayal to his men, and the family that had been slaughtered. Then of his redemption and attempt to join the Wardens, only to have the opportunity taken from him. I held my hand to my stomach as I felt ill. This explained everything. It explained his hesitance to open up to anyone, why he was nonchalant about the Calling…

“Prepare my horse, and the Commander’s. We are going to Val Royeaux in the morning.” I left then to go to Cullen. 

He was in his office doing reports when I walked in, he placed them on the desk. He must have noticed the look on my face because he stood abruptly. 

“Bretta, you look unwell.” I didn't answer him, I just handed him the letter as he came to stand in front of me. 

He read it and the frown on his face grew deeper and deeper as he read. 

“By the Maker.” He whispered as he turned around to lay the letter on the desk. 

“I am going to get him.” I said evenly. 

“Are you mad? He's a wanted man, Bretta, he let his men kill innocents.” He was disgusted, and I could see why, to Cullen leading your men astray was an ultimate crime. 

“He's my friend, and I can't…” I looked away as my voice choked up. 

“I can't just let him die, Cullen, I'm sorry. I want you to come with me, but if you refuse that's not going to stop me from going.” He sighed as he looked at me. 

“Then we will leave in the morning.” He relented. 

I smiled slightly but it was strained. I was worried for my friend. I just hoped we weren't too late. I looked at Cullen as he walked back to his desk. I had yet to tell him of my… Condition. It needed to be done but I knew if I told him now he wouldn't let me go get Blackwall, and I had to do this, he had been there for me at my lowest point, and I owed it to him to do the same. 

\----

“You're just like the rest of them. Using your title to bend the rules, you should have just left me there!” I had never seen Blackwall… Thom… So angry. He glared at me with disgust and I could only sit back on the throne in the Main Hall of Skyhold. 

“I hope that you will see this differently in time. Please remove the cuffs, guards.” I hated seeing him like this.

They removed the cuffs and he rubbed his arms. He looked to me again like he wanted to say something but he only shook his head and walked away. I felt a breath that I wasn't aware I was holding in leave me. I took deep breaths trying to calm down. He hated me, and it hurt, but he was alive and I wouldn't feel guilty for saving him.

I rose from the throne, everyone watched me with cautious eyes. I waved my hand to everyone in the room. 

“Please, by all means, go about your business.” I was hurt and annoyed. 

I walked down the steps and was about to go to the library to let Dorian’s lighthearted banter take my mind off of everything. 

“Inquisitor.” A voice came from my left. I looked and found Solas looking at me. He motioned for me to follow him and I sighed before entering his rooms. 

“You haven't told the Commander.” He said, it wasn't a question. 

I rested my hand on my belly, it had been nearly a month since I hand found out and I had racked my brain trying to figure out a way to tell him. 

“I have not.” I admitted. 

Solas sighed disapprovingly. 

“The window for you to use the potion closes a little more each day. If you use it too late…” His voice had risen and he stopped himself. “If you use it too late it could kill you.” He whispered. 

My hand went to my belly instinctively. I was probably almost four months along now. Soon I would be huge, and unable to hide it. 

“I can't kill the baby, I cannot do it.” It made me feel sick even thinking it. I loved the little thing inside of me already. 

Solas sighed and touched my arm with a comforting half smile. “Then you have to tell him, you won't be able to hide it much longer.” His face grew serious, “Let us just hope that Corypheus waits a bit before he moves again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How will our Cullen react? Hmm...


	20. Chapter 20

I walked to his quarters with a nervous stomach. Although, I was unsure these days if it was nerves, or the baby growing inside of me. The thought of a baby made my heart flutter a bit. I had never been so terrified. I was scared, scared about how his would play out. What if Corypheus decided to attack tomorrow? I couldn't stand down and send my men to death, but fighting, like this, that meant death for my child. 

It was a decision I had been praying I didn't have to make. 

A week had passed since I pardoned Blackwall, he wouldn't even look at me when he passed me in the courtyard, I longed for his guidance. I had decided to tell Cullen tonight. I had been working out what to say, and I feared his reaction. 

I took a deep breath and pushed open the door once I stood in front of it. He was at his desk, as usual. Papers were scattered everywhere and I made a note to myself to tidy the place up when he was training. I had no idea how he stayed so organized when his desk was always chaos. 

“Bretta.” He breathed when he looked up and saw me. We hadn't seen much of each other over the last few days. 

New recruits just kept coming in, which meant more work for Cullen to get them trained to the Inquisition's standards. I had missed him, and my heart soared when he smiled at me. Perhaps he would see this as a good thing. Maybe this meant we could actually see a future, beyond the mess the world was in. 

He stood and met me halfway through the room and kissed my forehead softly as he pushed my hair behind my ear. 

“I had hoped you'd stop by.” He said and held my hand lightly to lead me over to the desk. 

I leaned against the edge of it and held his hand in mine. I loved his hands, they were rough and showed signs of years of holding a sword and shield. Would our baby have his hands?

My breath hitched… Our baby. My mind wandered to that dream I had had so long ago. That dream of a future that I never thought possible. Of he and I, living together, happily. Could it happen? Dare I hope for it?

“I have some news.” I choked out, I had battled dragons and won over the Orlesian Court, surely I could get this out. 

“Good news I hope.” He sounded worried. 

I sighed and took his hand. With one hand I pulled up my shirt slightly and placed his hand on my slightly rounded belly. 

“I am with child.” I said bluntly. 

His eyes widened, he didn't move his hand from my stomach. I watched him closely, looking for signs of distress. He only stared down at my belly. 

“A child…” He said lowly. 

“Your child.” I whispered. 

His eyes shot to mine and to my surprise his eyes shined. A smile spread across his face and I felt myself returning it. 

“You're with child.” He said, like he didn't believe me. 

I felt tears begin to fall down my cheeks. “I am.” I croaked. 

He laughed and took his other hand to place it on my belly. He stared down in awe and for just a moment, I let myself not worry about what this meant. I watched the man I loved stare at my growing belly with love and adoration. I let myself feel this moment, not as the Inquisitor, but as a woman. 

“You're not angry?” I couldn't stop myself from asking. 

“Angry? How could I be angry, when I am so happy?” He moved his hands to grab my face and kiss me. 

“I'm so scared.” I said as we pulled apart. 

“Shh, we won't think of that right now. I will figure out a plan, I won't let anything happen to you… Or our child.” His voice cracked and he rested his hands on my abdomen once more. 

“Our child.” He said and laughed again. 

I placed my hand on his and laughed. 

“Our child.” 

\----

I had had stayed with the Inquisition for as long as my condition allowed. We had watched carefully for any signs of Corypheus but as the months passed he remained silent. I thanked the Maker for this, but it also worried me. What was he planning? 

Morrigan had her contacts watching for any signs, as did Leliana, Varric, and Iron Bull. Only my inner circle knew of my pregnancy. Cullen worried that this could be used against me by those that plotted against us, so when my belly became too large to hide beneath my gear I returned home to Ostwick. I still had two months before the baby would be born. Solas had come with me, to ensure that everything went as planned. I had also requested that Blackwall come, he had politely declined and it had broken my heart. We were like strangers now.

I had been home for nearly two weeks and Cullen had sent letters everyday. He also had made sure the best of the guard was with me. He couldn't come, and it had been a fight, not with me but with him and Leliana. She had reasoned with him that the Inquisition couldn't be abandoned by both of us. It only made sense for him to stay but he had lost his temper and said he wouldn't let me go through this alone. 

I had calmly told him that Solas would let me know when we had about two weeks, then he could come and be there. He had agreed, bitterly. The commander in him knew it was best for him to stay with the men, but the father in him told him to be by my side. 

I placed my hand on my now large belly and smiled. Cullen’s child was in there, a piece of him, and myself… Combined. I didn't think anything in the world was more beautiful. 

“Herald.” Solas said as he stepped into my rooms. 

“Yes Solas.” I stood, but not without effort, and my friend rushed to help me. 

“Let me help you.” He scolded and took my arm. 

“You're as bad as mother.” I complained.

My dear mother was beside herself with joy that a grandchild was on the way. It warmed me to see her so full of life and there was a peacefulness that I hadn't seen since I was a child. Something beautiful was happening amongst all of the dark things. It was magical. 

“Your sister has arrived and wishes to speak to you.” Solas got to the point once I was on my feet. 

“Sutton is here?” I hadn't spoken to her for over a year. I had written her once, telling her that I was sorry about Simon and I hoped she stayed safe. 

She had never responded. 

“She is in your father’s study.” He offered me his arm and we walked from my room down the corridor to the study. 

Solas left me once we stood in front of the door. I childishly wanted to beg him not to leave me alone with my sister that hated me so. He had disappeared by my side, probably sensing what I was going to ask. The cruel man. 

I placed my hand on my belly, a habit I had gotten since becoming pregnant, and pushed the door to the study open. 

She didn't look like a Chantry sister. She was dressed in a beautiful pink dress that was embroidered delicately, and her hair fell in long curls down her back. She looked just as she had when we were children. Both beautiful and cold all at one. 

“Hello sister.” I said formally. 

“Bretta.” She said when I got her attention, and then something crazy happened, my sister… Smiled at me. 

She walked away from the bookshelf she had been browsing and came to stand in front of me. She took my hand and I was too shocked to ask if she was ill. Then she looked down at my stomach and she smiled again. 

“I came when mother told me the news.” She said. 

“To tell me that it's wrong for a mage to reproduce?” I didn't mean it to come out harshly, but she flinched. 

“I deserved that.” She said. She didn't let go of my hand. 

“I have prayed for you every night since this began.” She said. 

“Thank you.” I said, again formally. Who was this person before me? What had she done with my sister?

“Will you sit with me? There is much I wish to say to you.” 

I nodded and allowed her to pull me to the lounge. We sat down and she still didn't let go of my hand. She squeezed it tightly and I wondered if she was using it to anchor herself. 

“I know how I have treated you is wrong. I didn't act like a big sister should. I hated you.” She admitted and I rose my eyebrows, she continued. “At least, I thought I did. I had this idea of myself for a long time. I was vain and cruel, and I was so jealous of you. Mother loves you best, don't try to deny it, she always has. Simon, and even father doted on you. It seemed that everyone that met you loved you. I couldn't figure out why it was you and not I. I thought myself so above you and everyone else for that matter. So I told myself that I wouldn't love you, that I would be the one person that didn't love you.” She sniffed as tears began to fall. I didn't dare speak. I knew she needed to get all of this out. 

“That day in the parlor, when you threw a fireball at my head, I thought this would finally be the time for me to be most loved. A mage, an unholy thing, in House Trevelyan? Unheard of. Still though, they loved you. Mother cried for a year, you were all she could talk about. So my hatred grew stronger. You were a mage and I planned to join the Chantry. I was doing everything I was supposed to do and still you were the pet. It corrupted my mind, this hatred. I prayed for your death many times.” She choked up for a minute and took a minute to steady herself. She sighed deeply and continued. 

“Then the explosion at the Conclave happened. I knew both you and Simon had been there. I thought you both had died, your death, the one thing I had prayed for had happened and I didn't feel happy. I felt sick with myself. This hate that I had directed at you for so long, was now aimed at the woman looking back at me in the mirror. I caught wind that you were the one they had saw step from the Fade. I felt like the Maker had given me a second chance, to fix things. I rushed to the cabin they were keeping you in. I waited for the elf-mage to leave and I went inside. You looked so small, like a child again, broken and bruised on that hospital cot. I cried, and I prayed for you, I prayed that you would live… And you did. I felt elation, I could make it right, I could let go of the anger and hatred, and I could serve the Maker properly. Then they started calling you the Herald of Andraste and I thought I was unworthy to even be in your presence, after the hatred I had had for you. So I fled to Val Royeaux and I told myself that when we met again I would be the sister to you that you deserved. When mother wrote to me I knew I had to come, so here I am... Can you ever forgive me?” She sobbed as she finished her tale. 

I stared at this woman before me. She was changed. This madness had changed us all. I pulled my hand away from her and her face fell. 

“Sister.” I said and she looked at me. I felt my own tears wetting my cheeks, “There is nothing to forgive.” I said honestly and she sobbed. 

We hugged each other tightly. Both of us blubbering like a couple of biddies. Maybe it was the hormones rushing through me that made me so emotional, or maybe it was just finally hearing the reason for her ire, but I was happy. I only wished that Simon was here, to see this, he would never believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Sutton has repented, and Cullen is excited to be a dad. Things are going pretty well... For now.


	21. Chapter 21

It happened earlier than it was supposed to. I was supposed to have a whole month before the baby arrived. It didn't happen that way though. I was walking through the garden one afternoon and suddenly a pain like I had never felt ripped through me. 

I screamed and nearly fell to my knees right there; but I needed to get to where someone could hear me. The glass in the garden was sound proof, no one would hear me cry for help. I walked slowly to the door and screamed again as the pain shot through me. 

“Solas! Mother!” I shouted once I was back inside. 

It was my dear elf friend that found me first. He hurried to my side. 

“It's too soon.” I panted. 

“We cannot stop it.” He said calmly. 

“You!” He shouted to a guard nearby. The man rushed to us. 

“The Lady Trevelyan has gone into labor. Notify her mother and tell an Inquisition soldier to ride hard and fast to Skyhold. The commander needs to get here as soon as possible.” I screamed again and he looked at the man who hadn't moved. “Go! We have little time!” He shouted. 

The man hurried away and Solas let me lean on him as he led me upstairs to my room. I screamed again as the pain came. It was too soon, something was wrong. Cullen needed to be here. I felt myself begin to fall unconscious, Solas was shouting my name, but all I saw was black. 

\----

-CPOV-

I silently thanked Leliana for procuring a ship for the Inquisition all those months ago. It allowed me to get to Ostwick way faster than if I had had to pay someone to ferry me across the sea. I hadn't slept in days. The letter had arrived by crow and I had left that very hour. She was having the baby, early, and I wasn't there to support her. 

I was terrified, terrified of what it meant. I was unable to receive letters while at sea so I was completely in the dark to what had happened during the birth of my child. My face was nearly a full beard, I hadn't shaved since I left. My mind was too busy worrying about her. I cursed myself for not being there. I should have been there. 

I bought a horse from a stable and rode quickly to the Trevelyan Estate. I didn't even bother with pleasantries when I arrived. 

“Where is she?” I asked an elven servant when she came to the front hall to greet me. 

I'm sure I looked mad. My face was scruffy and my eyes were probably bloodshot from lack of sleep. She looked like she might sick the guards on me but Solas appeared. 

“It is okay Kinala, this is Commander Cullen. Good evening.” He nodded at me. 

“Where is she? Is she…?” I swallowed unable to even say it. 

Solas smiled kindly at me. “She is fine, and so is your son.” He said. 

“My son… I have a son.” I ran my hand through my hair and laughed. 

“I have a son!” I shouted happily and rushed over to hug Solas. The man froze awkwardly and I released him with an awkward throat clearing. 

“I'm sorry. Can I see her?” I asked desperately. 

“She is resting. I must tell you that the delivery was very hard on her. Simon was nearly four weeks early and he is a rather large baby. It was rough on her body, we nearly lost her.” His voice had grown serious, and I thought I might vomit. She had nearly died. 

“By the Maker…” I whispered. 

Solas touched my shoulder. 

“She is doing well, I just wanted you to be aware because she will seem very weak. She only just fell asleep. Why don't you let Kinala take you to a room, get some rest, wash up? I will let Lady Trevelyan know you have arrived. She has been most excited to meet you.” He smiled and I nodded dumbly, dazed from all of the information. I followed the elven girl with a half dazed expression, but then I stopped and looked back at the man standing there. 

“Simon?” I said with a smile. 

“Simon Rutherford.” He said with a nod. 

“My son.” I said to myself as the girl led me up the stairs. 

\----

I slept all through the night. Knowing that Bretta and the baby were safe calmed me and the exhaustion had hit me hard. I woke when the sunrise peaked through the curtains, I looked across the room to find that a bath had already been drawn. I washed the grime of my travels from my body and shaved my face with a razor sitting upon a table beside the bath. I found my ruck sack by the door and pulled out a fresh tunic and breeches. There was a knock on the door as I laced up my boots and I rushed to answer it. It was a male servant. He nodded at me politely. 

“Commander, Lady Evelyn Trevelyan wished me to tell you that breakfast is served and she would be delighted to have you accompany her and her family.” I swallowed nervously. 

“I will be down promptly.” I told the man and he rushed away. I looked down at my simple tunic. I always forgot that Bretta was from noble birth. 

I had been born on a farm, and spent most of my childhood there before joining the order. Templars didn't really spend much time with nobility. I had been out of my element at the Winter Palace, and now here I was again, a fish out of water. 

“This is Bretta’s family… One day they will be your family, get ahold of yourself.” I whispered to myself as I walked from the room down the stairs. 

“This way Commander.” The same elven girl led me down another hallway to a dining room. 

“The Commander is here, mam.” She said as we entered the room. 

I looked to the people seated. There was an older man who I assumed was Bretta’s father. I had heard good things about Ban Trevelyan, he had helped with the chaos in Kirkwall after the explosion at the Chantry. They had wanted to make him Viscount, but he had declined. Then there was an older woman who was her mother. Her face was shaped like Bretta’s and they had the same shine in their eyes. Another woman sat next to her that could have been her twin, this was her sister that I had heard so much about. They all looked at me. The two women smiled, but Ban Trevelyan stared at me with calculating eyes, I felt sick. The silence finally broke when Bretta’s mother squealed and rushed over to hug me. I was so surprised that I didn't return the embrace, she kissed my cheek when she pulled away. 

“Commander, you have no idea how delighted I am to meet you.” She beamed. 

“My lady, please call me Cullen.” I said as I bowed. She waved me away and took me by the arm and led me to an empty seat beside the Ban.

“Only if you call me Evelyn. We are family now aren't we?” She laughed happily and I found myself smiling at the warmth coming from her. 

“This is my husband, Charles Trevelyan, and our eldest daughter Sutton.” Sutton bowed her head at me and smiled and the Ban stood to offer me his hand. He shook it very tightly. 

“Bretta has spoken of little else since she returned home.” He said gruffly. 

I cleared my throat. “She has told me much about all of you, it is a pleasure to meet you all finally.” I said awkwardly. 

“Well, sit! Have breakfast with us. Solas is checking on Bretta and then he will be joining us. Then once we've fed you, you can meet your son.” She said and the happiness nearly poured from her. 

I obliged and sat down beside the Ban, his presence made me nervous and I suddenly felt like a teenage boy. I had gotten his daughter pregnant out of wedlock, I could guess what his opinion of me was. 

I ate the food without tasting it. I was anxious to see Bretta, Solas had said she was feeling good this morning when he joined us but I ached to see for myself. I answered Evelyn’s questions about the Inquisition as we ate. She didn't ask the hard ones like what would happen when we had to take down Corypheus for good, that wasn't really breakfast time talk. 

“Can I see her?” I asked Solas as I finished the last bite of bacon. 

“Follow me, she is anxious to see you.” He said. 

I couldn't stand up fast enough. 

I followed him up the same stairs and the opposite direction of the room I had stayed in. He nodded towards the door when we arrived. 

“I will give you some privacy.” He said quietly. 

I opened the door eagerly and there she was. Sitting up in the bed. She looked thin, and pale, but she was still the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her hair was in a messy braid to the side and she was smiling down at a bundle in her arms. She heard me enter and her smile grew even wider. I was momentarily dazzled by the beauty before me, but when she tried to get out of bed my protective instincts kicked in and I rushed to her. 

“No don't get up.” I said as I sat on the edge of the bed. 

She rolled her eyes and reached up to touch my face. 

“No one will let me move, I'm going to become one with this bed soon if I don't get up and walk.” I kissed her before she could scold me for my overprotective nature. I was so happy she was alive that I forgot about the small person in her arms until he made a sound of protest. 

She pulled away and looked down at him. 

“Shh, it's okay now, do you want to meet your daddy?” She cooed, adoration dropping from her. 

I finally looked at him, my son, and he was beautiful. He had rosy cheeks, and his mouth pouted like his mother’s, he was so Bretta, the only trace of me was the mess of blonde curls atop his tiny head. 

“Say hello to your son.” Bretta said as she looked up at me. 

“Our son.” I said and reached out to touch his cheek. His eyes opened and they were the same brilliant blue as his mother’s. 

I touched his tiny hand with my finger and he gripped it. He cooed and smiled at me. 

“He's smiling.” I said and looked at Bretta. She giggled at me. 

“He probably passed gas, that’s why they usually smile.” 

I scoffed, “Just let me think it's because he's happy to see me.” I joked. 

She leaned her head against me and I wrapped my arms around them. We were a family. 

“Marry me.” I said suddenly. 

Bretta sat up and turned slightly to look me in the eye. 

“Pardon?” She said. 

“Marry me, Bretta, be my wife.” I said again, completely serious. She searched my face for a moment. 

“You're serious?” She asked. 

I laughed and held her face in my hand. 

“Yes. Marry me.” I said. 

“When?” She asked and laughed. 

“Today.” She scoffed in shock. 

“You're mad.” She said. 

“I'm not, I'm completely sane, and serious. Say yes.” I nuzzled my face into her hair. 

“Yes.” She whispered. 

“Really?” I asked a smile spreading over my face. 

“Yes, you handsome man.” She laughed. 

“I love you.” I whispered against her mouth and kissed her softly.


	22. Chapter 22

We were married that very day. Mother had called a priest to the house and Solas had finally permitted me to get up from bed to freshen myself up. Mother had pulled her old wedding gown from storage and let me wear it. There with only my family and a very dear friend, we swore ourselves to each other, with our son sleeping in his grandfather’s arms. Mother had cried as well as Sutton. I thought that I might burst from the happiness. 

That was a week ago. I finally was well enough to move about the estate. Cullen, Solas, and mother still fretted over me annoyingly. I knew they worried I pushed myself too hard, but it was crucial I get back into fighting shape as quickly as I could. 

I felt such true happiness in the time spent at my family home. Happiness that I honestly thought was unattainable for me. My sweet little Simon adored his father, it was beautiful to watch them together. Cullen would talk to him and tell him of the great warrior he would one day become, Simon would just watch him talk with wide blue eyes. It was a rare memory, to fall in love with someone over and over again. I also spent my days with mother in the gardens, and Sutton joined us often on our walks. We had formed a bond since her confession the day in the study. I enjoyed listening to her speak of the Maker, it seemed my sister had gained not only peace, but wisdom as well. Then there was my dear father, who had formed quite the friendship with my elven friend. Solas educated my father on elven history, and my father, forever the scholar, soaked it up. 

Then one day something amazing happened without my realizing it. I was sitting on my balcony, painting Cullen and Simon. Cullen held him tightly and altered his angle to show him the view from the balcony; talking to him like the small boy knew what he was saying. I remembered my dream then, that life I had wanted so badly, when I was still just a broken girl in Haven. I stared down at my stomach which was almost completely flat again and I wondered if another Rutherford would one day join us. 

\----

The letter came late at night. 

A servant rushed to me with a piece of paper. I saw the Inquisition seal and was brought back to reality. 

Corypheus had finally shown himself after all these months. Morrigan wrote to tell me he was searching for something in the Arbor Wilds and that it was crucial we get to it before he did. 

I turned to the servant who watched me as I read the words that brought the heaviness crashing back onto me. 

“Go to mine and Commander Cullen’s room and pack our belongings quickly. We must leave immediately.” He nodded and rushed up the stairs. 

Cullen was in the study with father discussion military actions. Mother sat beside Sutton on the lounge, Simon was sleeping in her arms. I stared at them all for a moment and I wished with all my heart that this was how things could stay. I wished that the world wasn't so messed up. I steeled myself to say what I had to. To break the perfect bubble of happiness. 

“Corypheus is moving again, in Orlais. We have to leave.” I said. 

Four pairs of eyes looked at me sharply. Cullen squared his shoulders and crossed the room to take the letter from my hand. He read it and his eyebrows furrowed. 

“I will go now.” He said and left the room. 

I looked to my family. Mother had a terrified expression on her face and father had gone pale. Sutton looked close to tears. I went to follow Cullen and mother stood. I held up a hand to stop her. 

“I will return in a moment.” 

“Cullen!” I called as I followed after him. 

“Don't say it.” He said sternly as he kept walking. 

I touched his shoulder to get him to stop and he glared at me. 

“Don't.” He said in a low voice. 

“I am coming with you.” I said. 

He closed his eyes and sighed. “That's not going to happen.” He said and started to jog up the stairs. I stared after him, shocked, and followed. 

“This is not up for debate, Cullen, I have to go. I have to fight with the men.” 

“No! You will stay here with our son, where you'll be safe.” He shouted. 

“You're asking me to abandon my post? When I'm needed most?” I shouted back. 

“I'm telling you that you will stay here. I will lead the men into the Wilds.” 

“I am coming with you. I am going to fight with my men. That's an order, I'm still the Inquisitor, am I not?” I said in a stern voice. 

Cullen finally stopped and looked at me. His face was pained. 

“I cannot send you to him again, my heart… I can't bear it Bretta.” He said softly. 

My anger waned and I stared at him, my husband. I walked forward and touched his face with my hand. 

“We both knew this would happen.” I whispered into his chest as I leaned against him. 

“That doesn't make it easier.”

“Cullen… If something happens… If I-”

“Stop, please, I can't think of that. You will make it out alive.” He hugged me tightly. 

“You have to.” He murmured into my hair. 

\----

Skyhold was bustling when Cullen, Solas and I arrived. My eyes were swollen from crying for a week. I had had to leave my baby with mother. That's where he would be safest. It pained me, I felt like my heart broke every step I took away from him. 

Cullen had held me as I sobbed. Mother stood holding him on the docks as we left, tears flowing from her eyes. She had made his little hand wave goodbye, and I had had to look away. I understood that day, what mother had gone through the day they took me from her. I understood her heartbreak every time I had returned home only to go back to the danger. It was terrible, the pain. It was crippling. 

We rested for a day before we marched on the Wilds. It was an old elven ruin he was after, and Morrigan thought it was perhaps an Eluvian he was after. Whatever it was, he had to be stopped, at all costs. So we made camp, we sent our scouts. Then we waited to plan our move. 

“I hear there are congratulations in order.” It was Blackwall. He sat beside me on the log I was sitting on. I watched Cullen as he prepared the men for battle. 

“On the baby or the marriage?” I said lightly, not looking at him. 

“Both I suppose.” He said. 

“Thank you.” I said and gave him a half hearted smile before looking back to my husband. 

“I am sorry, Bee.” He said suddenly. 

This was the most he had spoken to me in months. He had refused to come with me to Ostwick, something that had hurt me deeply. I had assumed this was how things had to be now, and I was okay with it, because he was alive. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” I told him. 

“I do, I have hurt the one person that has never given up on me. I have hurt my bestfriend, and I'm sorry.” He said. 

“I should apologize too, I didn't respect your wishes, because I was selfish.” 

“I would have done the same, had the roles been reversed.” He admitted, and that made me smile. 

“You're a good man, Blackwall… Or is it Thom now?” I asked. 

“I think I will stick with Blackwall, maybe one day I will earn the respect that comes with that name.”

“You have mine, you're a good man, even if you don't see it.” I said earnestly. 

“He's lucky to have you.” He said, diverting the conversation from him to Cullen. 

I smiled at the man in question. He had been my rock these last few weeks. I had been an emotional wreck leaving our son, and I know it had to bother him just as badly. He hadn't shown it though, he had remained a constant strength for me. 

“I'm the lucky one.” I said making my friend laugh. 

“If he hurts you, I'll cut his ears off.” He said in a very serious tone as he stood. 

I looked up at him and laughed, “Let's not tell him that.” My husband was still wary of my friend. 

He laughed, “Okay, but the threat is still out there.” 

I stood and I hugged him, he froze momentarily and then hugged me back. 

“I missed you.” I said. 

“Back at you… My lady.” He said with a smile. 

\----

I shouted as we landed back at Skyhold. Morrigan waved her hand and closed the eluvian. She then rushed to me to help me up. 

“Are you alright?” She asked. 

I rested my hands on my knees and panted. Solas, Blackwall, and Dorian watched me with worried eyes. 

“I'm fine.” 

Morrigan looked please that I was okay and dusted herself off with a smug smile. 

“I can defeat the dragon.” She said. 

“Then we are not doomed.” I said with a relieved voice. 

\----

“Bretta!” Cullen stormed through the doors of the War Room and rushed over to me. 

He kissed me hungrily and I returned it even though we had an audience. 

“I rushed back to make sure you made it out okay.” He said as he pulled away, he checked me over and I sighed at his worrisome nature. 

“I am fine, Cullen.” 

He noticed the three women watching us with smug smiles and cleared his throat as he blushed. 

“Forgive me.” He said and came to stand on his side of the table. 

I had been back from the Wilds for two days. The majority of the troops wouldn't be back for another few days. So Leliana, Josephine, and myself had been making plans awaiting their return. I had also wrote to mother to ask about Simon, I missed him and I was more ready than ever for this all to end so I could see my baby. 

“We have dealt a huge blow on Corypheus, he is weakened by the loss of Samson, it might be some time before he strikes again.”

“When he does we will be ready. I-” Morrigan was cut off suddenly as bright green light filled the War Room. We all stood frozen and went to look out the window. In the direction of Haven the Breach had began to grow again. 

“He has come.” Morrigan said solemnly. 

“We must go.” I said and began to leave the room. 

“We can't go! We are severely outnumbered. We have to wait for the men to return from the Wilds.” Cullen said as he grabbed my arm. 

“We don't have that long, Cullen, that hole is going to swallow the world if I don't act now.” I rushed forward and kissed him deeply. 

“I love you.” I said full of meaning and turned to leave. 

\----

We had been fighting for hours, all of us. Morrigan had transformed and fought the dragon off for as long as she was able. I feared that my friend was dead. I channeled all of that hurt into Corypheus’s bloody dragon. I thought of my son as I deflected its fire with an ice spell. I thought of Cullen as I shot a fireball of my own at it. When it lay crumpled beneath me and I stabbed the blade of my staff through its jugular, I thought of Simon. 

I spat at the dead reptile and heard a loud roar from above me. It was him, he knew what had happened. I nodded to Bull, Blackwall and Solas to follow me. We crept up the pathway, Corypheus had tried to recreate the Black City with the ruins of Haven. It was an eerie replica. 

Once we reached the top it was quiet. I knew that couldn't be a good sign, we looked around for any sign of the darkspawn and suddenly he was upon us, shouting and throwing spell after spell upon us. 

I shouted as I dodged his attacks that were mostly directed at me. 

“Where is your beloved now, Inquisitor? He sent you here alone?” He taunted. 

Blackwall jumped from behind a pillar and sliced at his back causing him to roar in pain and turn on my friend. 

“She's not alone!” He shouted. 

I shouted as he swiped at Blackwall, the warrior barely dodged his attack and I quickly locked him in a Crushing Prison spell to aid Blackwall in escaping. Solas hung back and through healing spells at us as we fought. It was brutal and it was hard. 

Corypheus held up the orb suddenly and my friends were all trapped in a spell. He advanced on me and I shot an ice spell at him but he easily deflected. I was tired and my magic was waning. 

“Out of ideas, Herald.” He spat at me. 

He grabbed me by the neck and began lifting me from the ground. I gasped for air and kicked my legs, but he was a behemoth. 

“Not quite.” I hissed and I waved my hand. 

The orb went flying from him and he shouted and began to crumple. He was defeated. I saw it in his eyes, the orb crumbled against the wall and all of his power crumbled with it. His eyes bore into mine, and while they were filled with defeat, they were also filled with hatred. With one last roar he tossed me from his grasp. I felt the impact of my head hitting a stone pillar, pain filled me, but then it was also gone. As I took a strangled breath and closed my eyes to the darkness I saw two people. I saw Cullen and our son, in his arms. He smiled his wide handsome smile and held up our son so he could better see me. I reached out to them. Then another presence appeared, I felt a warm hand on my arm. I turned and there stood my brother; beaming at me. 

“Simon.” I whispered as I hugged him. 

“Time to go home, Bumblebee.” He said sadly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me.


	23. Chapter 23

-CPOV-

Everyone cheered as the Breach sealed, completely this time. She had done it, she had won. I stood on the steps of Skyhold with Leliana and Josephine. We had to stay back when a small hoard of demons had descended upon Skyhold directly. The people had to be protected. Bretta and her company had rushed for Haven. The fighting had lasted nearly all through the night. The sun was peaking above the mountains, and the sky was healed. She had done it. My body nearly collapsed in relief.

It was finally done. 

We all waited for her party to return. A huge welcoming was gathered to congratulate her on the victory. He was gone, I could hardly believe it. This dark figure that had lingered over us for nearly two years was gone, and she had done it. 

I should have known something was wrong when no missive came to tell us of an arrival. 

Everyone waited, speaking amongst themselves with hushed and excited murmurs. They were all anxious to see their Inquisitor. 

When we finally saw someone approaching on the bridge everyone began to cheer. The party moved slowly and I could not see clearly what was happening because of all the people. 

The shouts of happy excitement suddenly turned into gasps of horror and sobbing. I craned my neck to see what was wrong. I looked to Leliana and Josephine, they looked as scared as I felt. Where was she? 

I rushed down the steps, and the crowd of sobbing people parted for me. I saw Blackwall first, his eyes were cold and filled with sorrow. He looked at me and I saw a broken man before me, he hung his head and I looked then, because I had dared not to, to the small body in his arms. 

I felt all the air leave me as I looked at her. She looked so small in his arms… She was pale, unnaturally pale. I looked back up to him and he watched me with pain filled eyes. I shook my head in denial, she had won, it was over. We were safe, she was tired from the fight, he had to carry her, she would wake up any second and tell me I worried too much. 

“I am sorry, Cullen.” He said. 

I stepped forward and he passed the broken body into my arms. I crumpled to the ground as I held her against me. She was so cold, and her lips that I had kissed only hours ago were blue. 

“No, no, no, please.” I said in a strangled voice. I bowed my body over hers as I sobbed. 

“Bretta, please.” I begged, she wasn't there. It was a shell of her, Bretta had gone to a place I couldn't follow. 

The Inquisitor was dead. 

My wife was dead. 

The mother of my child was dead. 

\----

It had taken Leliana and Blackwall both to get me off the courtyard ground. I held Bretta’s body to mine tightly and they led me into Skyhold and up to her rooms. I wouldn't let them take her from me, I couldn't let go of her, not yet. I sat down on the edge of her bed and I brushed the hair from her beautiful face. She had been laughing this time a month ago. I had woken her up with kisses, we were in her childhood bedroom, naked and curled together. We were happy, we were so happy. 

“We will need to write an official letter to the family and make arrangements for a service. It will take a week for them to get there, we will have the mages do some preservation spells. Where is Solas?” Josephine was talking, I could hear the tears in her voice. 

I stared down at her and tried to will her awake. 

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up to see Leliana. 

“We have to get her cleaned up and hurry with the preservation spells.” Her eyes were full of hurt and sympathy. 

I nodded and looked at her again. It was just her body, the woman I loved wasn't there anymore. 

“I’ll take her.” I looked up and saw Iron Bull standing at the top of the stairs. 

He walked over to me and took the small body from my arms. His face was wet, and I was almost intrigued that the Qunari could cry. 

“Commander… I, you have my deepest sympathies.” He said quietly. 

“Thank you Iron Bull” I said numbly as I looked at the body of my wife. 

Once he was gone I looked to Leliana and Josephine. 

“I should be the one to write to her family, I will tell them to be here as soon as possible. We should also write an official letter to both Ferelden and Orlais, to tell them of her success.” It didn't feel like we had won. She was dead. 

“Yes, Commander.” Leliana was all business, I knew that was her way of coping. Then they left me. 

I looked around the room and I breathed in. I could still feel her in here. I laid on the bed and buried my face in her pillow. Her scent filled my nose and I sobbed. I curled into a ball like a small child, clutching her pillow to my chest, and I sobbed. 

\----

“Wake up.” Her voice whispered. 

“I don't want to.” I said back. 

“You have to.” She whispered. 

“You'll leave me if I wake up.” I said. 

“I am always with you.” Her voice faded. 

I sat up in the bed and rubbed my eyes as the light hit them. The funeral was today, her family had arrived yesterday. We had spent the day together. I had held my son tightly to my chest. He looked so much like Bretta that it nearly hurt to look at him. He would never know her. He would hear stories of her bravery and her heroism; but he would never see for himself the smile she got when she looked at him. He wouldn't hear her laugh. I had cried again for him, for the loss my son was too young to understand. 

Bretta’s mother was a changed woman. Gone was the happy peaceful woman I had met all those weeks ago, she looked… Aged. There was no smile to be seen on her face, not a tear, she sat with her husband and she stared at nothing. If she didn't respond when you spoke to her I would have thought she was catatonic. 

I crossed the room to the cradle that sat in the corner. Simon was awake, but he didn't cry, he kicked his feet and cooed. He had turned two months old yesterday. When he saw me he kicked his legs faster and squealed. I picked him up and stared at him. 

“We have to say goodbye to mama today.” I said as he grabbed my pinky with his hand. 

“She loved you so much. I am going to make sure you always know that, I promise.” I swallowed the emotions. 

Simon smiled at me and he looked so much like Bretta that I nearly lost it. 

“I promise to never leave you. I promise to always protect you, no matter what. We will get through this.” I rocked him back and forth. 

“Maker, help me get through this.” I whispered. 

\----

She looked beautiful. The preservation spells made her look alive almost, like she was sleeping. We had her lain upon a stone so that people could visit and pay their respects. Skyhold was not large enough to hold everyone. People had made camps along the end of the bridge. Flowers and letters lay all around her. 

I held Simon beside her. Leliana had announced that her months of time away had been because she had given birth to our son. Many wanted to meet him, and me too. I remained stoic the entire time. Evelyn kept her arm linked through mine and a handkerchief held tightly in her other hand. Ban Trevelyan had not said much the entire time, he hadn't shed a tear. A little brown haired girl stepped forward from the crowd and approached him. 

“Daddies are allowed to cry.” She had said as she squeezed his hand. 

Ban Trevelyan had had to walk away for a moment. 

Sutton looked as numb as I felt. I knew of her and Bretta’s strained relationship, and how things had been made right. I wondered what she was thinking. She looked up at me and looked as if a thought occurred to her. 

“I'm not a sister anymore.” She said in a dull voice. 

“Excuse me.” She said before disappearing into the crowd. 

By the end of the evening I was exhausted and Simon was cranky. 

“Get some sleep my dear, let me take him for the night.” Evelyn said as she took Simon from my arms. 

“You don't have to do that.” I said. 

She stared down at the little boy. “I want to, I want to spend as much time as I can with him before we leave. He looks so much like she did when she was a baby, she was always so beautiful.” She said sadly, but she didn't cry. 

“What was she like? When she was a little girl?” I craved information about her, things she would never be able to tell me now. 

Evelyn smiled as a memory filled her mind. 

“She was always so brave. She climbed trees and slid down the banisters. Her brother of course encouraged this unladylike behavior.” She rolled her eyes and laughed, “She was so kind though, even as a child, when Sutton and her would fight she would make her a flower crown and hang it on her doorknob. She always wanted to help the servants with their chores. She was my little dove, my beautiful little dove.” Her voice cracked and she looked down at the baby in her arms. 

“She loved you very much.” I said softly. 

“I know she did.” She sniffed and smiled. 

“Goodnight Cullen.” She said and turned to walk towards her room, humming a soft melody to Simon as she went. 

I stared after her for a long moment, and when she had finally disappeared from my sight I decided to go to the tavern. Many of the people were staying in camps amongst Skyhold, but a majority had left after paying their respects. I walked through the tents and went into the tavern. The lady at the bar saw me and hurried to pour me a large ale. 

“Thank you.” I said and she gave me the pitying smile I had become accustomed to. 

“Mind if I join you?” I looked up to see Blackwall, Thom Rainier, looking at me. 

I waved my hand to the empty seat beside me and he pulled it out and sat, he motioned for the girl to bring him an ale and she nodded and hurried to pour it and hand it to him. 

I had never been much of a drinker. I didn't like to lose my senses. It wasn't responsible for a knight to do so, but tonight I didn't care. I downed the ale in one drink and sat it on the counter. 

“You were her chocolate cake. Did she ever tell you that?” The man beside me spoke up suddenly. He stared into his mug and I looked at him in question. 

A memory came to me, of Bretta and I dancing at the Winter Palace, she had said that moment was her chocolate cake. I had been confused, but I was so mesmerized by her beauty that I hadn't questioned her. 

“She mentioned something about cake, maker, that seems like a lifetime ago.” I said as the girl slid another ale in front of me. 

He chuckled, “I told her a story about myself as a boy. My mother’s chocolate cake was the best in all of Orlais I'm sure. I told her when things weren't how I wanted them and I felt lost, I thought of chocolate cake and it brought me memories of my mother and how I loved her.”

“Thank you for telling me that.” I said in earnest. 

He smiled sadly and took a large drink from his ale. I did the same and wiped my mouth on the back of my sleeve. 

“You were in love her.” I said suddenly. 

I had always known. You'd have to be blind not to see the way he had looked at her. The man in me was jealous of their friendship that he clearly wanted to be more; but my heart, it understood why he loved her. How could you not? 

“I was. Very much so." He said quietly. 

“How did it happen?”

I asked the question I had dare not to ask. I thought perhaps I didn't want to know. The injuries were many, I knew it was trauma to her head, and that it was rather instant, but the how was something I had been scared to ask. 

“The thing… That… Demon.” He hissed the word. “He grabbed her up like a doll. I tried to get to her, but he binded us with his dark magic. I couldn't move, I could only watch. He threw her…” He choked on the word and took another drink of ale before continuing. “He threw her nearly forty feet and I can still hear the sound… The awful crack as she hit the pillar. Then she fell to the ground, and she was still. The creature was torn apart by the veil, he died in pain, and for that I am glad. Once he was gone we were freed but when I got to her it was too late. Solas was gone, there were no healers, and I don't think that would have saved her anyway.” He spoke to me but his eyes were far away, they were living it again. 

My chest had grown tight, I clenched the mug of ale so tightly I thought it might break. Would I even feel it?

“I should have been there.” I said in a low voice. 

“There is nothing you could have done. That creature was dark and twisted, unnatural. She used her last bit of magic to destroy him.” Rainier placed his hand on my back awkwardly, like he was unsure. 

“What are we going to do without her?” I said. 

“We will do what she would want us to, we will live.”

\----

I walked through the streets of Kirkwall. The madness here was uncontrollable. The Champion had vanished, Meredith was dead, everyone at the Chantry was dead. For the first time in my years of service I felt ashamed of the crest upon my armor. This is not what the order stood for, this was senseless death, I did not want this. 

As I was walking I saw a hooded figure pull a young woman into an alley. I was scared she was in trouble so I placed my hand on my sword and I crept to the corner. I saw the profile of a lovely woman and I was momentarily stopped. She was beautiful. Magic flowed from her hand to the infant and the baby began to cry. Why was she helping this girl? Surely she required payment. I watched in awe again as she presented the girl with a large coin purse. I hurried to hide myself as the young girl exited the alley, and then the mage woman behind her. I followed her for a few steps and then grabbed her into another alley. 

She hadn't screamed when I removed my hand from her mouth. She had questioned me, asked if I was going to kill her. I remember looking at her face, she was so beautiful, and I knew then that I couldn't have killed her. I don't think I would have been physically able to do it. 

“Why did you help her?” I had asked. 

“She needed help so I helped her.” It couldn't be that simple. 

“But you could have been discovered, killed, why risk that for a complete stranger?”

She thought for a moment and then smiled at me. 

"If we can't take the time to help others in times like this, then we let the darkness and the suffering win. I think that my life just seems a little insignificant in the grand scheme of things, don't you think?"

She said it simply. Suddenly the world around us drifted away and she walked towards me. She wasn't in her armor, but a long white dress, her hair, which she so often kept pulled back, was flowing around her delicately. 

“You remember that day well.” She said softly. 

“It is burned into my brain.” I said as I touched her face. 

“You must keep living, Cullen, I always knew that this could happen. I was ready for it. You have to move on, for our son.” She said as she laid her head on my chest. 

“I can never move on from you.” I murmured into her hair. 

“I miss you.” She said. 

“Oh maker, how I miss you.” I replied. 

“You were wrong that day in Kirkwall.” I said suddenly. 

She pulled away to look at me. 

“How so?”

“Your life was not insignificant. You have saved everyone, our son will grow up in an imperfect, but happy world, because of you. You saved us all.” She smiled and tilted her head. 

“I wouldn't have been able to do it had you not first saved me.” She said and kissed my cheek, just as she had done that day in Kirkwall, all those years ago. 

\----

“Bretta!” I said as I sat up in bed. 

I sighed, another dream. 

The sun was shining. It had been a month since she died. A scar in the sky was what was left to remind us what we could have lost, had it not been for her. Morrigan had left a week after her death. No one knew where she went, and I had told Leliana to hold when she sent scouts after her. I had a feeling she would be back, to visit the garden. 

We laid Bretta under a tree in the garden. She loved the garden of Skyhold and had spent much of her time there when she wasn't on missions or with me…

I walked down to the garden with Simon in my arms liked I had done every morning since she was buried. I could almost feel her when we sat under the tree. 

“Say hello to mama, Simon.” I told the little boy in my arms. 

He gurgled and smiled, and then we sat there and we talked with her. The pain… It was still too much to bear sometimes. I had taken some time off from the Inquisition. There wasn't much to do now with the Breach closed and Corypheus gone. Still we received letters from foreign nobles wishing to host us, thankfully Josie and Leliana took care of most of that and Sera went with them oddly enough, she enjoyed playing pranks on them. 

Rainier had left to join the Grey Wardens, all news from them had stopped and I wondered what became of the dark haired man that also had a hole in his heart shaped like Bretta. 

Mia wrote to me often and had even visited to meet her nephew for a couple of weeks. She had known of mine and Bretta’s relationship and her presence had helped bring comfort to me. I told her of Bretta and her bravery, her love. She cried with me and laughed with me. I told her the story of us, and that had made the hurt lessen just a little. 

I began a journal, to write down every meeting, every hurt. I wanted to remember it all. I never wanted to forget what the two years of battle had done to us. I had loved and I had loss, I didn't really know what more I could hope for in life. Her love had been the greatest gift the Maker had ever given me, and she in turn had gifted me with a beautiful son. 

“Nothing is ever insignificant. No kindness or cruelty, no word of love or hatred. Everything is just a piece in the bigger picture. You will never be forgotten, not as long as I draw breath.” I made my oath to her stone and looked down at my son with his father’s hair and his mother’s eyes. 

I knew in that moment, whether it was her spirit guiding me, or my own acceptance I wasn't sure; I knew though that I would laugh deeply again, and that happiness can come from bad things just like a Templar can love a mage, nothing is out of reach, if you only have the courage to grab for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it folks! 
> 
> I know some of you are probably very angry that Bretta died, but I just couldn't see another way to end it. I always thought the Inquisitor should have at least had the option to die like the Warden did in Origins. 
> 
> In the words of Varric: "Most of my stories end in tragedy. Probably that says something about me personally.” 
> 
>  
> 
> I feel that statement on a personal level. I am thinking that I might post an epilogue that's set years down the road; but I will need to think about how I want it to go. 
> 
> If you've read this entire story, please know how greatly I appreciate you. Thank you for following Bretta on her journey.


	24. Epilogue

5 years after the fall of Corypheus...

\----

I walked through the halls of Skyhold like I did every morning. There wasn't as much going on here these days. Most of our friends had moved on to other things. 

There were a few that still lingered, Sera had started a Red Jenny headquarters of sorts out of the tavern. Leliana had gone to Val Royeaux to be Cassandra’s Right Hand. There was still no word from Blackwall, or any Grey Wardens for that matter, not a letter or anything. Every year on the anniversary of Bretta's death a bouquet of daisies was placed in front of her stone, along with a piece of chocolate cake, and I knew he was well, wherever he was. 

I still trained men for the Inquisition, our forces were smaller these days, but I think our presence brought peace of mind to people somehow. We helped out with minor things when we needed to. Bretta’s birthday had become somewhat of a holiday, people made the pilgrimmage every year to pay their respects. Josie amongst them always made sure to come ahead and plan quite the soirée. It was always lavish and huge and I knew Bretta would have hated it, the thought of her pout made me smile. 

I stayed at Skyhold for her, being away hurt, and I enjoyed my morning talks with her. I still felt her around me, and I knew she lingered there. I did travel some however, back to the farm to see my family; and it had become tradition for Simon and I to spend First Day at the Trevelyan Estate, Simon also stayed the Summers there, he loved his grandparents and aunt dearly. 

Like he had heard me thinking of him suddenly someone leapt onto my back. I grabbed him so he wouldn't fall and laughed. 

“You left without me!” He complained. 

“I figured you needed sleep, you had a long journey yesterday.” He had returned from staying at Evelyn and Charles's for a month yesterday. 

“I always sleep on the ship, the rocking is soothing.” 

“You don't get that from your mother, she turned green anytime she was off land.” I said fondly. 

“Tell me the story again.” He said as I let him fall from my shoulders, he took my hand as we walked. 

He looked so much like Bretta, his eyes would light up in mischief like hers, and his smile, the way it turned up his whole face. He had my hair though, poor boy, curly and blonde and absolutely uncontrollable unless we cut it short. 

“Once upon a time a Templar found a Mage doing magic, in Kirkwall of all places, during a time when magic was very feared…” He asked me to tell him the story all the time. 

He loved his mother, I had made sure he knew of her, every detail. When he was old enough I planned to give him the old battered journal that I had filled with our tale. We walked to the garden every morning and we talked with her and with each other, I was sure he had a lot to tell me about his visit with his grandparents. Sutton always spoiled him rotten while he was there, they all did, oddly enough Charles was the worst of them. Simon could get anything he wanted from the man with just one look. 

I finished the tale as we entered the garden and we both slowed slightly when we noticed a couple and a small child that was maybe a few years older than Simon standing in front of Bretta’s grave. 

The woman turned when we approached and I noticed she carried another small child in her arms. The woman struck me as familiar somehow, but I couldn't figure out how. 

“Hello there.” I said as we approached, I wondered if they had made the pilgrimmage to Skyhold as many had, to bust the grave of the Herald. 

The woman smiled. “Hello, you are commander Cullen, yes?” She said softly as she rocked the baby. 

“I am, have we met before?” She looked so familiar and it was bothering me that I couldn't place her. 

“We have not, but I did meet the Herald once a long time ago. I am Georgiana.” She said as she looked to the stone. I waited for her to continue. 

“She helped me, when everyone had closed their door. I had just had my Maggie only a couple of months, I did not know her father. I was hungry and he offered me a meal for a night and I said yes.” She stopped and I could tell this was hard for her. Her husband placed a hand on her arm and she smiled at him before continuing. “Maggie caught a fever and I thought she would die. Then a woman helped me, she helped without want of payment. Then she went a step further and gave me enough money to start a life for my baby and me. I thought she was Andraste in the flesh. Then word of a Herald arised, I did not know it was her until after she had died. I never got to tell her how much that act of kindness changed my life. She gave me hope that people were still good, and then I met my Johnathan…” She smiled at the man. 

I was in shock. This was the very same girl that Bretta had helped in the alley that day. I looked to the little girl sitting beside the grave, she picked flowers and hummed to herself. That was the baby that Bretta had healed. 

“I am sorry I did not get to thank her before she died.” She said solemnly. 

I stepped forward and shook the man's hand and then hugged the woman. 

“Thank you for coming, this means so much to me. I met Bretta that very day. I was a Templar in Kirkwall and I saw her healing your baby… If that hadn't have happened we might have never…” I was mind blown. 

She smiled, “It's funny… How things work out.” She said softly. 

“This is mine and Bretta’s son… Simon, say hello.” I told the little boy who had been standing by my leg. 

He smiled widely at Georgiana and her husband. “Hello, I am Simon Cullen Rutherford, and my mommy was Bretta Trevelyan Rutherford.” The word ‘Trevelyan’ came out horribly butchered and it made the adults laugh. 

“Your mommy was a very kind woman.” She told him as she knelt to his height. 

“This is my youngest daughter, her name is Bretta too.” She said and my grin grew wider. 

“She named her baby after mommy.” Simon whispered to me. 

I chuckled and ruffled his hair. “Will you stay with us for dinner?” I asked. 

“We would love to.” She said as she smiled. 

We all talked for a while then. Mostly about Bretta, but about other things, life. I laughed to myself and wondered if she had orchestrated this somehow. Things had such a way of coming full circle. 

Five years without her, I heard her laugh in my dreams. I kept her artwork in mine and Simon’s rooms. Her scent had faded from the sheets long ago, but her smile welcomed me in my dreams often. 

I was happy. I had found a simple happiness. It wasn't that life altering consume everything happiness that I had felt when I was with her; but I think that maybe happiness like that was always fleeting. We loved and laughed together more in two years than some people do in a lifetime and I was grateful for the time I had had with her. 

One day when Simon was old enough to know everything, about Corypheus and how the world nearly ended; I would tell him. I would tell him of how his mother had lived and died just so everyone else could live happier. Her selflessness was something I knew would be passed down for centuries and that comforted me. 

People will remember her as the Herald. This holy being that had ultimately given her life for the greater good. 

I would remember her like she was in the morning time, her hair was always so messy and her eyes would lilt sleepily as she woke up. I would remember the face she got when she was painting, and how when she concentrated really hard her tongue would peak out of the side of her mouth. I would remember her laugh and how loud it was. 

I would remember the person she was, not the symbol she created for everyone. That part of her was just for me. 

Just like my heart would forever be just for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's really the end, I hope you are happy with it...I am. I will be back soon. I am working on a bit of an AU fic so stay tuned for that. Love you all!


End file.
